Veritas Omnia Vincit
by Heatherlly
Summary: Lily and Severus reconcile after her marriage to James, beginning an affair that will have long-lasting consequences. Canon compliant until "The Half-Blood Prince". Eventual Severitus.
1. Part One: Severus and Lily

**Introductory Notes** : _Welcome, readers! Just a few notes before we get started:_

 _1.) This story will not be flattering to the Marauders, especially James Potter. I'll be highlighting his arrogance, his bullying and manipulation, along with a willingness to do just about anything to get what he wants. This is a version of his character that feels realistic to me – I find it hard to believe that he went through such a drastic change in a few short years and became the perfect husband/father._

 _2.) I'm no fan of James, but I do like Lily. If you feel differently, that's fine, but please don't bash her_ _in your reviews._

 _3.) This story will be canon compliant up to "The Half-Blood Prince", so be prepared for a major character death._

 _4.) Finally, this is a "Severitus" story. The dynamic between Severus and Harry will be dealt with in part two, while part one will focus on his relationship with Lily._

 _** Rated M for profanity, sexual content, and other adult themes._

 **Veritas Omnia Vincit** : (Latin) _Truth Conquers All_

* * *

 **Part One: Severus and Lily**

* * *

Lily huddled closer to Petunia, doing her best to shield herself from the summer storm. Of course, a simple charm could've kept her dry, but the results would've been too obvious in a cemetery full of Muggles.

"Do you have to stand so close?"

"I'm getting wet."

"Well," Petunia said, "you should've thought of that before you left the house without an umbrella."

Shrugging, Lily shot a pointed glance at Vernon. He hadn't brought one either, though Petunia didn't scold him for _his_ oversight. Instead, she made sure he was fully covered, while Lily's dress was already soaked through.

"I could duplicate yours," she suggested. "Make one for me and for Vernon, too."

Petunia's eyes widened, her face turning an unflattering shade of red. "What did I tell you about…"

"I know, but no one's even here yet."

"Lily, this is no place for your nasty tricks."

" _Nasty?_ There's nothing nasty about…"

Suddenly, Petunia's expression changed, her scowl giving way to a subdued smile. She slipped an arm through Vernon's, seeming to forget about Lily as she turned to greet the first arrivals.

"Thank you for coming, Julia. I know my mother would've appreciated…"

Lily didn't hear the rest, her throat tightening as she watched the pallbearers approach. She still couldn't believe her parents were in those coffins, battered and broken by the car crash that had taken their lives. The last time she'd seen them, they'd never looked better, her father waiting by the door in his finest suit as her mother practically floated down the stairs.

"How do I look?"

"Beautiful," Lily said, staring at her with open admiration. She'd chosen a cream colored skirt and matching blouse, auburn curls scooped into a loose chignon. Her hair was only a couple shades darker than Lily's, their faces eerily similar despite the three decades that separated them. Only the eyes had been different – Lily had inherited her father's brilliant green, while her mother's were a deep, rich brown.

"Thank you, dear." She'd smiled, patting Lily's cheek with one hand as she'd reached for her purse with the other. "We'll be back before midnight."

"Have fun!"

 _Have fun?!_ Those words had haunted Lily ever since, seeming like the worst thing she could've possibly said in that moment. Her parents hadn't even made it to the restaurant, colliding with a drunk driver just a couple miles from home.

"There's been an accident, Miss Evans. We've summoned an ambulance for your father."

"And my mother?"

There'd been a long pause on the other end of the line.

"She's gone, Miss Evans. I'm sorry."

Lily had Apparated straight to the hospital, too shocked to fully absorb what was happening. Petunia arrived soon thereafter, but by then, it was already too late. Their father had passed away en route, never regaining consciousness.

 _Have fun…_ she wished she could go back and say something meaningful, hating herself for not choosing her words with more care. Of course, she couldn't have known that her parents were about to die, but what did that matter? She should've told them that she loved them, should've…

"Lily!"

Blinking furiously, she returned her attention to Petunia. Her sister's manner was still carefully composed, though there was no mistaking the peevish edge to her voice.

"I'm sorry, did you say something?"

Petunia didn't respond, addressing the man in front of them instead. "You must forgive my sister, Pastor Smith. She hasn't been herself lately."

"Perfectly understandable," he replied. "The loss of family is never easy, though we must remember that this separation need not be permanent. If we put our faith in God, we shall be reunited with our loved ones in heaven someday."

Lily managed a polite nod, sighing in relief as the pastor turned to leave. He took position between the empty graves, motioning for one of his parishioners to hold an umbrella over his head.

"Very well," he said, withdrawing a Bible from his pocket. "Shall we begin?"

The service seemed to go on for hours, full of droning prayers and empty platitudes about eternal life. Lily tuned most of it out, realizing it had nothing to do with her parents. Oh, they'd attended church for the occasional holiday, but even that had ended when they'd found out their younger daughter was a witch.

"We have to go to church!" Petunia had argued. "It's what decent people do!"

"Decent people work hard. They're kind to others and take care of their families. Church has nothing to do with…"

"But what will everyone _think?_ If we don't show up, even for _Christmas_ …"

"I doubt they'll notice, dear."

Of course, Petunia hadn't listened, even when their mother's words turned out to be true. She'd only tried harder to prove her respectability, something she was obviously trying to do with this funeral. It was why she'd chosen the most expensive flowers, why she'd spent thousands on needlessly ornate caskets. She seemed more desperate than ever to make a good impression, smiling sweetly as they were approached by a woman that had to be Vernon's sister.

"Marge," she said. "Thank you for coming."

"Least I could've done under the circumstances. How are you holding up?"

"Well enough, I suppose. We've been so busy planning the funeral that…"

"You did a brilliant job," Marge interrupted. "Both of you."

Lily looked up, surprised to be acknowledged. But then she noticed that Marge's eyes were fixed on Vernon, who had the nerve to murmur his thanks.

Naturally, Petunia did nothing to correct Marge's assumption. She didn't explain that she'd made all the funeral arrangements herself, not even allowing her own sister to help. In fact, she didn't mention Lily at all, leaving her to stand there like some unwanted intruder.

"I'm glad you went with the flower arrangements I recommended," said Marge. "I'm sure your parents would've loved…"

"Our parents would've hated them."

Lily hadn't meant to let the words slip, but she wasn't about to take them back. Instead, she lifted her chin, her eyes defiant.

"Ah," Marge said, the shock in her expression giving way to speculation. "You must be Petunia's sister."

"I have a name."

"Yes, well, we haven't been introduced, have we? I can hardly be expected to know…"

"No, I suppose not," Lily said. "I imagine Petunia doesn't talk about me much when I'm not around. Hell, she barely talks _to_ me, even when I'm right here beside her."

"Lily…" Petunia's voice was calm, though there was no mistaking the flush of color that had crept into her cheeks. "This is Marge Dursley. Marge, this is my younger sister, Lily."

"Pleasure," Marge said stiffly.

"Likewise."

With that, Lily excused herself, knowing that her presence wasn't welcome. The three of them seemed determined to exclude her, as if they'd already formed some new family to which she didn't belong. That thought made her feel terribly lonely, which wasn't helped by the other guests. She was surrounded by strangers, after all, none of whom bothered to speak to her as she went to stand beside the empty graves.

"Who are these people?" she'd asked Petunia when the notices had gone out. "Did they even know Mum and Dad?"

"They're my friends. Old schoolmates, work colleagues…"

" _Your_ friends."

Petunia sniffed. "I don't know what you're implying, but inviting them is the proper thing to do."

"Well, in that case, maybe I should invite some of _my_ friends."

"You wouldn't dare."

Lily had been tempted to argue, though in the end, she'd decided against it. She hadn't wanted to treat the funeral like a social event, surrounding herself with people who'd barely known her parents if they'd ever met them at all. What she _wanted_ was…

"Come on, Lily. Let's go."

She looked up, surprised to see that most of the guests were heading to their cars.

"Aren't we going to stay until…" She trailed off, gesturing at the coffins.

"Everyone else is already heading to the house," Petunia said. "Besides, I'd rather not…"

For the first time, Lily caught a glimpse of genuine pain in her sister's eyes. The sight was jarring, a stark reminder that Petunia was grieving, too.

"I know," she said gently. "It's just a bit too final, isn't it?"

"Do you think I bought enough ice?"

" _Ice?_ "

Petunia nodded. "For drinks."

"I don't know, but I was hoping we could talk about…"

"Suppose I can always send Vernon to pick up a couple more bags."

With that, Petunia strode away without a backward glance, leaving her no choice but to follow.

* * *

The limousine was warm and dry, though Lily would've rather walked home in the rain. She couldn't imagine anything worse than being trapped in close confines with Marge Dursley, those small, piggish eyes scrutinizing her every movement.

"You'll be riding with us, of course," Petunia said. "No need to pay for another taxi."

"Thank you, but I need to stop by the hotel and check on the dogs."

"No reason we can't take a detour," Vernon said. "Come to think of it, there's no reason you should be spending all that money on a hotel either. We've a perfectly good guest room back at the house."

"I wouldn't want to impose."

"Nonsense!" Petunia exclaimed. "We'd love to have you."

Lily stared at them incredulously, though she knew there was no point in arguing. She didn't even complain when a trio of bulldogs crowded into the car, two of them poking her with their cold noses while the third slobbered all over her dress. Clearly, no one gave a damn what she thought, so why should she…

"Vernon says you're on holiday until the end of the month."

Petunia nodded. "That should give us time to clean out the house before we put it on the market."

"What?!" Lily said. "You can't sell the house!"

"Why not? Legally speaking, it's mine now."

"But… where am I supposed to _live?_ "

Petunia shrugged. "Won't you be going back to that school of yours?"

"Yes, but…" Lily trailed off, struggling for composure. "I'll still need a home to come back to. You can't just… Mum and Dad wouldn't have wanted…"

"I have no _idea_ what they would've wanted," Petunia shot back, "seeing as they didn't leave a will. What I _do_ know is that this funeral cost a fortune. I need to sell the house to cover what I spent, not to mention…"

"It only cost so much because _you_ felt the need to show off!"

Petunia narrowed her eyes. "That's a horrible thing to say."

"It's the truth," Lily said. "You didn't care what they might've wanted, didn't even stop to consider it. You just…"

"The arrangements your sister made were lovely," Marge interjected. "I'm sure your parents would've approved."

"Did you even _know_ our parents?"

"No, but…"

"Right, which means this is none of your damn business!"

" _Lily!_ "

Petunia was fuming now, though Lily didn't care. She leaned forward, her eyes fixed on her sister.

"Don't you _dare_ tell me to apologize. Not after the way you – all of you – have been treating me."

"What are you talking about?"

"You know damn well what I'm talking about." Lily grunted, attempting to shove a large black bulldog off her lap. "They were my parents too, or have you forgotten? _My_ parents, yet my feelings, my opinions, none of it seems to matter. No one bothered to ask me what kind of flowers we should have. No one stops to consider what I might like to do about the house, or…"

"How do you think _I_ feel?" Petunia snapped. "Having all of this dumped on my shoulders?"

"Oh, please. If you'd let me help…"

"Legally speaking…"

"You're the adult," Lily finished for her. "Yes, I _know_ that. But I still had a right to be involved. How do you think Mom and Dad would feel if they knew… _will you get this bloody dog off me?!_ "

Marge made a tutting noise, though it had little effect. The dog placed its paws on Lily's chest, swiping one of her cheeks with its overly large tongue. Shuddering, she tried again to push it away, only to freeze as she heard Marge chuckle.

"Fine," she said. "I guess we'll have to do this the hard way."

With that, she withdrew her wand from her sleeve, doing her best not to smile as she heard a collective gasp.

"Put that thing away!" Petunia shrieked.

"Bruno," Marge said, her voice suddenly urgent. "Bruno, _come_."

 _"Et cessabit."_

The change was instantaneous. Not just one, but all three dogs retreated to the opposite side of the seat, completely docile as they lay down with their heads resting on their paws. One by one, their eyes drifted closed, followed by peaceful silence.

"You…" Marge trailed off, her eyes wide with horror. "What have you _done_ to them?!"

"What does it look like?"

"If you hurt them…"

"Do they _look_ hurt?" Lily sighed. "It's just a charm to calm them down."

Vernon, who'd been impressively quiet up until that point, began to mutter under his breath.

"What did you say?"

He hesitated, shooting a quick glance at her wand. "This is no place for your… well, whatever it is, you've got no business…"

"Magic," she interrupted. "It's called magic."

"That's enough, Lily," Petunia said, her voice trembling. "Put it away now."

Lily shrugged, tucking her wand back in her sleeve. For now, it was enough that she'd made her point – she was in control and they all knew it, whether they were willing to admit it or not. Oh, she might choose to keep things civil (for the most part), but that _was_ a matter of choice, not an obligation.

"All right," she said quietly. "Where were we?"

"You were complaining about the arrangements I made."

"I wasn't complaining, I…" She paused, giving her head a little shake. "I was only trying to make a point. Anyway, it's done now."

Petunia didn't respond, choosing to glare at her instead.

"As for the house…"

"I'm selling it, Lily. There's nothing you can say that will change my mind."

"Okay, you're selling it. Fine. What are you planning to do after that happens?"

"I already told you. I'll need to cover funeral expenses."

"Yes, I know, but there should be plenty left over."

"Oh, I see," Petunia said. "You're after the money."

It took all the restraint Lily had not to blow up at her sister. She took a deep breath, struggling to bring her temper under control.

"No," she said. "I'm only trying to figure out how I'm supposed to survive. If I'm going to be homeless…"

"Don't be so dramatic."

" _Dramatic?_ " Lily echoed. "I'm 17 years old, Petunia. Never had a job, no source of income beyond what Mum and Dad gave me, and now I won't have a place to live. It's not like I can just…"

"What?" Marge interrupted, her voice snide. "Seek gainful employment like the rest of us? You know, Petunia, if I were you, I wouldn't give it to her. Not a single shilling. Let her see what it's like to…"

" _Silencio!_ "

Lily didn't know how her wand ended up in her hand. She didn't even know she was casting the spell until it had already left her mouth. Once it was out though, she had no intention of taking it back. Instead, she turned to Vernon, cutting him off mid-protest with another flick.

Petunia stared at the Dursleys, her mouth falling open in shock. Marge was clutching at her throat, her eyes wide, while Vernon gestured frantically, his face turning a mottled shade of red.

"What did you… fix it, Lily. _Now!_ "

"No," Lily said, her voice calm. "Not until we're finished."

"You can't leave them like that! I _insist_ that you…"

"They're going to stay quiet until we're done with this conversation. Keep arguing, and I'll do the same to you. Understand?"

Petunia crossed her arms over her chest, her nostrils flaring. "You wouldn't…"

"I wouldn't dare? Try me."

"Fine, let's get this over with."

Lily nodded. "As I was saying, it's not like I can just rent a place as soon as I leave school. I'll need time to find a job, and I'm sure it'll be a couple weeks before I bring home any wages. Isn't that the way it was for you? I seem to recall Mum and Dad sending you cheques after you moved to London."

"How much do you want?"

"Enough to cover several months of rent. A little extra for food, clothes, basic necessities."

"What else?"

"I'll want a few keepsakes from the house. Pictures, knickknacks…"

"You're not getting the pearls."

Lily shrugged. "I didn't ask for them."

"Anything else?"

"Yes."

"Well?" Petunia said. "Spit it out."

"I want the two of them to stay at a hotel. I don't want them – or those horrible dogs – sleeping at our house."

Petunia's eyes widened, her mouth falling open in disbelief. Turning away from Lily, she addressed Vernon and Marge instead.

"I'm so sorry. She doesn't mean… _of course_ you can stay…"

"They were _my_ parents," Lily said quietly. "That house was _my_ home. If I've only got two weeks left to live there, I'd like to do it in peace."

"Well," Petunia said. "That's not your choice to make. Legally, I own the house. If I want to invite guests…"

Lily sighed. "I need privacy, Petunia. I need a little time to grieve. I shouldn't have to do that around people I barely know, especially when those people _obviously_ don't like me."

"And who's fault is that? You've gone out of your way to provoke them."

"No, I haven't," she said. "Though there's no point in arguing about it. I'm only asking…"

Petunia started to interrupt, though it was Vernon who had the final word. He passed her a slip of paper, tucking a ballpoint pen back in his pocket.

"All right," she told Lily. "We'll do this your way."

"What about the living expenses? The keepsakes?"

"Yes, yes," Petunia said, rolling her eyes. "Whatever you want. Now fix…"

Lily didn't wait for her to finish. She lifted her wand, bracing herself for a flurry of shouts as she canceled the spells. To her surprise, the Dursleys remained oddly subdued, though there was no avoiding the venom in their eyes. Contempt had given way to outright hatred, making her wonder if using magic had been a mistake. Perhaps she should have…

No. These people were determined to think the worst of her, no matter _how_ she behaved. Better to stand up for herself than let them get away with treating her like dirt.

The way Petunia treated her.

With that thought, Lily turned her attention back to her sister. It was jarring to realize that Petunia was the only family she had left, this cold, sour faced woman who clearly wanted as little to do with her as possible. She'd hoped the loss of their parents would bring them closer, bound by blood if nothing else. Unfortunately, Petunia didn't seem to feel that connection, preferring to attach herself to people who had nothing to do with the childhood they'd shared.

"How much farther?" Marge said.

"About a mile," Petunia replied. "We're almost there."

Lily leaned her head against the seat, spotting the dilapidated factories in the distance. It had always been a comforting sight, safe and familiar, though it seemed alien to her now. She wouldn't be returning to the sound of her father's laughter, nor the gentle embrace of her mother's arms. There was nothing left for her now but memories, painful reminders of a life that would never be hers again.

"Hmph," Vernon said, jabbing a fat finger at the window. "Looks like we've got a juvenile delinquent lurking about."

Following the direction of his eyes, Lily froze. There was no mistaking that tall, black clad figure, his face obscured by a curtain of dark hair.

"Don't know what he's up to," Marge said, "but it can't be anything good. We should report him to the police."

"For _what?_ " Lily whipped her head around, glaring at them both. "The last time I checked, it was hardly illegal to lean against a stop sign."

"That's not all he's doing," Vernon said. "You can be sure of that. Probably looking for someone to rob, or…"

"Ah," Petunia interrupted, her face flushed with embarrassment. "That boy's an old friend of Lily's. He lives nearby."

Marge narrowed her eyes at Lily. "You're friends with that… that…"

"Miscreant," Vernon finished for her.

Lily opened her mouth, ready to tell them that she hadn't spoken to Severus in well over a year. She couldn't bring herself to do it, however, not wanting to say anything that might confirm their suspicions.

"Yes," she said. "I am."

"Well," Marge replied. "That explains a lot."

"What the hell is that supposed to mean?"

Before Marge could respond, Petunia cleared her throat, forcing her thin lips into a smile. "Looks like everyone's here. We'd better get inside."

"What about the dogs?"

Lily cringed as she lifted the charm, though fortunately, the dogs were so eager to get outside that they paid no attention to her. They focused on Marge instead, stopping briefly to gobble treats from her hand before they whined at her to open the door.

"All right, my darlings. There you go."

Quietly, Lily watched them scamper up the driveway, followed by Petunia and the Dursleys. Only then did she exit the car herself, her eyes immediately straying to the stop sign at the corner.

 _"You should tie your hair back, Sev. No one can see your face."_

 _"Yes, well, that's rather the point."_

 _"But why would you want to hide it? You have such nice eyes."_

She remembered him smiling at that, catching a glimpse of curved lips between strands of inky black hair. He even followed her suggestion from time to time… or at least, he had until the day their friendship ended. Since then, he'd gone back into hiding, keeping his face concealed whenever she was around.

But he wasn't hiding from her now. He reached up to smooth his hair back, his hand trembling ever so slightly as he lifted his chin. Their eyes met, his brimming with sympathy as hers filled with tears. In that one glance, she found everything she'd been longing for – compassion, concern, but deeper than that, an entire world that was familiar and safe. Severus knew who her parents had been and what they'd meant to her, understood what she must be feeling better than anyone else could. For the first time since she'd received that phone call, she forgot what it was to feel alone.

She took a step forward, slow and tentative. Another step and she thought she heard him catch his breath, his eyes still fixed on hers.

 _"I don't need help from filthy little Mudbloods like her!"_

Cringing, she stopped dead in her tracks. It all came back to her then, childhood memories giving way to the darkness that followed. Severus was in deep now, from what she understood, far deeper than he'd been a couple years before. Lord Voldemort was openly recruiting now, with most of the Slytherins flocking to his cause. Was she stupid enough to believe that Severus could be an exception to the rule? No… not when he spent all his time with _those_ people, as fascinated as ever by the Dark Arts.

Still…

She stared at him for a long moment, rremembering all the good times they'd shared. Had she been too hasty, ending their friendship the way she had? Maybe if she'd given him another chance…

"Lily."

That was all he said, a low pitched murmur that floated to her on the summer wind. She felt her throat tighten, knowing he wouldn't say another word without her invitation. This was _her_ decision, one she knew he'd accept no matter what she chose to do.

But it wasn't that simple, was it? No, she was standing at a crossroads between the past and future, afraid to move forward yet unable to turn back. There was nothing to do but stand there, caught in some strange, alternate reality where time had ceased to exist. She'd never felt so helpless, her body as rigid as a statue as she willed herself to move, to speak, to do _anything_ that might put an end to this awful uncertainty.

Gradually, his expression changed, vulnerability giving way to careful composure. She knew he was bracing himself for disappointment, but how could she make such a huge decision when she couldn't even see what he was feeling? Was he truly sorry? Was there still hope that he could change? Was there even the slightest possibility that he could be part of her past _and_ her future, or was it already too late?

"Sev," she said, her voice emerging as a shaky whisper. He was too far away to hear her, but his attention was fixed on her lips, his eyes widening ever so slightly. For the first time, he was the one who moved closer, taking several halting steps in her direction.

"I'm sorry," he said. "About your parents, I mean. I'm sorry."

"Thank you."

"If there's anything you need…"

"I don't…" She trailed off, shaking her head in an attempt to clear her confusion. "I'm sorry, I can't…"

"Ah, there you are."

Gasping, she whirled around to find herself face to face with Petunia. Her expression was mutinous, though to Lily's surprise, her tone was relatively civil.

"Yes, I was just… getting some fresh air."

'Well, do you think you can wrap it up? I could use some help in there."

Lily nodded, glancing over her shoulder at Severus. He'd retreated back to the corner, his profile obscured by a curtain of hair as he turned his head in the opposite direction. Part of her wanted to go to him, make another attempt to explain herself. The problem was, she still had no idea what to say.

"All right," she told Petunia as she followed her up the driveway. "Just tell me what you need me to do."

"You can start by putting that wand of yours in your room. I won't have you embarrassing me in front of our guests – not after the stunts you pulled earlier."

Petunia narrowed her eyes, obviously bracing herself for an argument. It didn't come. The fact was, Lily was simply too tired, too confused, too grief stricken to object. She did everything that was asked of her, from serving tea to making mindless small talk with people she'd never met. She even went out of her way to be polite to the Dursleys, ignoring their suspicious looks as she served them plate after plate of biscuits.

"That's more like it," Petunia muttered as they passed each other in the kitchen.

Hours later, the guests were gone, leaving the house strangely silent other than the sound of Marge's snores. She'd fallen asleep in Mr. Evans's favorite armchair, her dogs sprawled out on the rug beside her. Vernon wasn't far behind, eyelids drooping as he fiddled with the television remote.

"We have to let them stay," Petunia said. "Wouldn't be right to send them off to a hotel."

Lily hesitated, letting out a heavy sigh. "Fine. Just keep them out of my way, all right?"

With that, she trudged up the stairs, pausing to look outside. There was no sign of Severus, only an empty street and a dull gray sky overhead. She turned away from the window, swallowing her disappointment even as she reminded herself that it was for the best. There was no going back now, no pretending that things between them could ever be the same. All she could do was move on, putting the past behind her as she turned her eyes toward the future.


	2. Lies

**Lies**

* * *

Until she boarded the train, Lily had barely thought about her new status as Head Girl. She'd received the badge just two days after she'd lost her parents, glancing at it without a flicker of emotion before she'd tossed it in her trunk.

"Over here, Evans!"

Spotting the badge on James's chest, she suppressed a sigh. Really, it was no surprise that he'd been chosen, though that didn't mean she was looking forward to spending the next few hours in his company. He looked even more smug than usual, flashing her an easy grin as he moved over to make room for her.

"Hi," she said, dropping into the seat beside him.

"Hello yourself. Good summer?"

"No."

"Why not?"

"I'd rather not talk about it, okay? Let's just… instruct the Prefects or whatever we're supposed to do."

"Okay." Rising to his feet, he cleared his throat as he turned to face the others. "Let me start by congratulating all of you. It's an honor to be made Prefect, though it also carries a great deal of responsibility. Have you read over the guidelines? Good. Make sure you memorize them, and be sure that…"

Lily leaned back in her seat, relieved that he had the situation under control. Needless to say, she'd done nothing to prepare, promising herself that she'd look over her own guidelines as soon as she had the chance.

"I think that's it," James said after a few minutes. "Anything you'd like to say, Evans?"

"No, I think you've got it covered."

He nodded. "In that case…"

"Wait, there _is_ one thing." She paused, looking at each of the students in turn. "You're to hold everyone to the same standard. No playing favorites, not even when it comes to your own house. If we… if _I_ catch you doing this, there _will_ be consequences."

"Agreed," James said. "Now then, I think it's time for your first patrol."

He waited for the others to leave before he turned to Lily, his lips twitching into a smirk.

"Nice little speech there. I suppose that was for my benefit?"

"That depends."

"On what?"

She shrugged. "On whether you needed to hear it."

"Are you suggesting that I'd _abuse_ my power? You wound me, Evans."

"Oh please. You've spent the past six years breaking the rules. Why should this be any different?"

She expected him to laugh, even to look a little smug. Instead, his expression grew serious, his voice subdued.

"Is that really what you think of me? That I'd use my position to mistreat people, or… look, I know I've done stupid things. Gotten carried away with myself, took things too far. But I've gotten better, Lily. I really _have_ been trying…"

"I know you have," she interrupted. "Listen, I didn't mean…"

"Yes, you did. You've always been hard on me, and you know what? I deserved it."

"Well, yeah."

He chuckled. "Not only did I deserve it, but I appreciate what you did. Really, I do."

"Why?"

"Because you challenged me to be something better. Granted, I'm still not perfect, but I've come a long way because of you."

"You shouldn't change for my sake," she said. "You should do it for yourself."

"Oh, I am." He shrugged, smoothing back a lock of messy black hair. "It's time to grow up, don't you think? School is almost over – we've got to start thinking like adults."

"I agree."

They lapsed into silence, no sound to be heard other than the low rumble of the train as it sped down the tracks. James turned his head to stare out the window, his handsome profile illuminated by the setting sun. She'd never seen him so serious and thoughtful, surprised by how curious she was to know what he was thinking.

"James?"

"Yeah?"

"What are you planning to do? I mean, after school lets out."

"I'll be fighting," he said. "I guess we all will. He's not going to win, Lily, not if I have anything to say about it."

"You're such a Gryffindor."

"Likewise… which is why I don't even need to ask about _your_ plans. You'll be right there on the front lines, fighting like hell for what you believe in."

Lily smiled, realizing that she quite liked this side of James. Maybe it wouldn't be so bad to be paired up with him all year, just the two of them patrolling the halls or managing the Prefects. Who knew? Perhaps they'd even become genuinely good friends.

"Evans?"

"Call me Lily," she said. "I like it better."

"Right. Is there anything else I can do for you, Lily?"

There was something suggestive about the way he said it, something that made her shiver though she didn't know why. She did her best to ignore it, hesitating before she lifted her eyes to his.

"There _is_ one thing you can do."

"Tell me."

"I want you to leave Severus alone this year."

James's entire demeanor changed, his body tensing as he narrowed his eyes. "Oh, no," he said. "Don't tell me you're talking to _him_ again. Do you have any _idea_ …"

"I'm not," she interrupted. "And yes, I'm well aware of what he's been up to. I'd still like you to leave him alone."

" _Why?_ "

"Because," she said quietly. "He was my friend. We might not be friends anymore, but I still care about him. I don't want him getting hurt."

"If the situations were reversed…"

"He'd try to protect me, too. I know he would." She paused. "In fact, I'm pretty sure he already has."

James frowned. "What do you mean?"

"None of the Slytherins have ever given me any trouble. Have you noticed that? I've never had to worry about getting hexed or nasty comments in the halls, or…"

"You think _Snape_ is behind that?" James snorted. "The Slytherins leave you alone because they're afraid of me and Sirius. They know what will happen if they mess with one of ours."

"They weren't afraid to mess with Mary McDonald," she pointed out. "Or Howie Higginbotham, for that matter. I heard he was in the Hospital Wing for _weeks_."

"Isolated incidents. That doesn't mean…"

Lily sighed, holding up a hand to stop him. "I don't want to argue about it, okay? I just want you to leave him alone."

"What if he tries something with us?"

"I don't think that'll happen."

"But what if it does? Would you blame me for defending myself?"

"Of course not. You know that's not what I'm talking about."

Seeming to sense her exasperation, James chose a different approach, his voice more gentle when he spoke again.

"I'll leave him alone," he said. "If it's really what you want, I'll leave him alone. But I'd like you to promise me the same thing."

She frowned. "You want me to…"

"Stay away from him."

It should've been easy to agree. After all, she wasn't friends with Severus anymore, which had been entirely her choice. But for some reason, she hesitated, reluctant to put more bricks in the wall that already stood between them.

"Severus would never hurt me."

"I know you think that," James said. "Who knows? Maybe you're right. But can you say the same for his friends? You know what they are, Lily, what they'd do to you if they thought they could get away with it."

"I know, but he wouldn't let…"

"Maybe not, but he won't be able to control them forever."

"I guess you're right," she said. "It's just hard, you know? We used to be such good friends."

"I know." He reached for her hand, giving it a gentle squeeze. "But people change, Lily. You can't blame yourself for that."

She nodded, reaching up to wipe a tear from her eye. Only then did she realize that the train was slowing down, gliding to a stop as James rose to his feet.

"Right," he said. "Better get up to the school so we can start abusing our power."

Unable to help herself, she laughed, shaking her head as they joined the other students.

* * *

To Lily's surprise, James was true to his word. He never harassed Severus, never so much as glanced in his direction. Not only that, but it seemed that Sirius had decided to leave him alone, too. The Marauders were much more subdued this year, clearly intent on putting their bullying ways behind them.

She didn't know how it happened, but she soon found herself included in their circle. Whether she was in the Great Hall or the common room, walking to class or spending a little time outdoors, she always seemed to have at least one of them at her side. She'd even joined Sirius at Quidditch practice a couple times, both of them cheering for James as he'd chased the Snitch around the field.

"I'm sorry about your parents," James said to her one night as the two of them patrolled the halls.

"How did you know?"

"Remus told me. You're not upset, are you?"

"No, not at all."

"If there's anything we can do, just say the word."

"Thank you."

He nodded. "We're family, you know. We take care of our own."

'I know." She smiled, touched by his efforts to include her. "I'm fine, really."

"Going to Hogsmeade this weekend?"

"Of course."

"Me too." He hesitated, not quite meeting her eyes. "Listen, I was wondering… would you like to go with me?"

"A date?"

"Well, I just thought…"

He trailed off, whipping his head around to glance behind him.

"What was that?" she whispered.

"In there," he said under his breath, pointing at the door to the Arithmency classroom. Nodding, she twisted the knob by slow degrees as both of them drew their wands.

" _Severus?_ "

His head jerked up, his dark eyes widening as they connected with hers. He was perched on an empty desk, his quill hovering over a piece of parchment as he balanced an open book on one knee.

"Snape," James said flatly. "What are you doing in here?"

"I think he's doing homework," she said.

"Homework? Why would he be skulking around in the middle of the night if…"

"The middle of the night?" She rolled her eyes. "It's 10 PM."

Severus remained quiet, giving James a wary look before he returned his attention to Lily. It was to her that he finally spoke, his eyes never leaving hers.

"I was just finishing up some research."

"Why didn't you go to the library?" James said.

Severus ignored him, waiting for Lily to repeat the question before he responded. "The books I needed were in here," he told her. "At any rate, I'm finished now."

With that, he shoved the quill and parchment in his bag, slinging it over one shoulder as he hopped down from the counter. He was halfway across the room before he hesitated, his hand hovering near his wand.

"I'm not going to hurt you, Snape," James said, tucking his own wand back in his sleeve. "But if you don't get back to your common room, we'll have no choice but to report you."

Severus's mouth dropped open, his eyes widening as he stared at his former nemesis. But then just as suddenly, he collected his wits, his face a mask of indifference as he swept out of the room.

"Wow," Lily said as soon as he was gone.

"What?"

"You were so… not _nice_ , exactly, but…"

"Civilized?" James suggested.

She nodded. "I was afraid you might hex him or something."

"I told you I'd leave him alone, didn't I?

"Yeah," she said quietly. "I suppose you did."

The rest of their patrol was uneventful, the two of them chatting about nothing in particular as they ascended the stairs to Gryffindor tower. It was only when they'd reached the common room that James turned to face her, flashing her a little smile.

"Have you thought about it? Hogsmeade, I mean."

She hesitated, remembering how much she'd once despised him. He'd been unbelievably arrogant, not to mention one of the nastiest bullies she'd ever met. Granted, he'd changed a great deal since then, but was that really sincere? Or was it just an act he was putting on for her benefit?

As soon as the thought crossed her mind, she felt guilty for it. Really, what reason did she have to doubt him? He'd done everything in his power to redeem himself, treating everyone around him with more consideration. He'd even given Severus a break, letting him go with nothing more than a warning.

Beyond that… well, she had to admit that he _was_ rather attractive. Would it really be so bad to give him a chance? It was only one date, after all – it wasn't like he'd asked her to marry him.

"Lily?"

"Sure," she said. "I'd love to."

* * *

"So," James said, "where would you like to go first?"

"Honeydukes?"

He nodded, taking her hand as he moved to cross the street. It was an innocent gesture, yet she couldn't help but blush, knowing that at least half the school must already be gossiping about them. She felt their scrutiny as she and James browsed the aisles, though he seemed oblivious to the attention they were receiving.

"Right," he said as he helped himself to an impossibly large bag of toffee. "And what will you be having?"

"Oh, I'm not buying anything. Just wanted to have a look around."

He shook his head, grabbing a handful of Fizzing Whizzbees and popping one in his mouth. "You've got to get _something_. It's not a proper trip to Honeydukes if you don't."

"Fine, I guess I'll have a Sugar Quill."

"Come on, we can do better than that. What's your favorite?"

"Chocolate Cauldrons, but I really can't afford…"

Grabbing several boxes, he headed for the register. Before she could stop him, he'd purchased them all, his expression smug as he handed her the package.

"I'll pay you back next week."

He scoffed. "Don't be absurd."

To her chagrin, he didn't stop there. He bought her several useless items at Zonko's, then refused to leave Tomes and Scrolls until she'd picked out a book for herself. By the time they made it to the Three Broomsticks, she knew it was pointless to protest. She let him buy her several rounds of butterbeer, followed by a shot of firewhiskey.

"All right," she said. "I think that's enough."

"Can't keep up?" He tipped back another shot, flashing her a mischievous grin.

"No, I just don't feel the need to show off as much as you do."

His eyes widened, his mouth falling open in mock outrage as laughter erupted from the next table. Glancing over at Remus, Lily grinned, flipping her hair over one shoulder as she returned her attention to her date.

"You think I'm a show off, eh?"

She shrugged. "Well, you _do_ seem to be going out of your way to impress me."

"Is it working?"

He pitched his voice lower, the words like a caress as they reached her ears. Unable to help herself, she shivered, her breath catching in her throat as her eyes met his.

"Could be," she said softly. "Though I'd like…"

"What would you like?"

"I'd like to go somewhere a little more private." As soon as she said it, she blushed, which wasn't helped by a low whistle from the next table. "No, I didn't mean it like that!" she said hastily. "I just want to talk."

"Is _that_ what the kids are calling it these days?"

"Shut up, Sirius," James said as he rose to his feet. Turning to Lily, he flashed her a charming smile. "Shall we?"

They didn't go far. With half a dozen teachers patrolling the village, that was hardly an option. Still, James managed to find them a spot that was reasonably private, perching on a fallen log beneath a towering tree. She settled herself beside him, feeling awkward as she twisted her hands in her lap.

"So," he said. "What would you like to talk about?"

"I don't know, but… well, this _is_ a date."

"Sure is," he agreed.

"And the point of a date is to get to know each other, right?"

"Well, that and sloppy make out sessions."

" _James!_ "

"Don't worry, I won't be trying to ram my tongue down your throat. Not yet, anyway."

She shook her head. "You really are the most…"

"The most charming bloke you've ever met?"

"I was going to say… well, nevermind. Tell me about your parents."

"My _parents?_ Bloody hell, Evans, that's one way to kill the mood."

Despite his sarcasm, James's expression softened. He told her all about his life outside of Hogwarts, his voice full of affection as he described his mother and father. He followed that up with several questions about her own family, his eyes bright with curiosity as she explained what her parents had done for a living.

"What's a psychiatrist?"

"It's a healer of sorts. They help people with mental afflictions. Depression, schizophrenia, you know."

"Skits…" He frowned.

"Schizophrenia. It's a medical term, though I guess in the magical world, you'd just say that the person was cracked. Muggle psychiatrists are pretty good at figuring out what's wrong with their patients – they use medicine and other treatments to make them better."

"That's what your mum did?"

Lily nodded. "It was a perfect job for her. Stressful, maybe, but she loved it."

"She sounds great. Your dad, too. I wish I could've met them."

She didn't know when it had happened, but James was holding her hand again. It felt even better than it had before, his thumb absently stroking the backs of her fingers like it was the most natural thing in the world.

"I wish you could have, too. I think they would've liked you."

"What about your sister?"

She snorted. "Why don't we save Petunia for another time?"

"That bad, eh?"

"You have _no_ idea."

"Probably not." He hesitated, staring off into the distance. "I don't take it for granted, you know."

"What?"

"Having such a good life. I know I've been lucky."

"So have I."

"Yeah, but I've never had to deal with the things you have. Growing up with Muggles, not to mention a sister who… well, I don't know what her problem is, but it doesn't sound good. And then losing your parents…"

"What's wrong with growing up with Muggles?"

"There's nothing wrong with it. I only meant that it has to be harder, not growing up around magic. I'll bet you didn't know the first thing about it until you came to Hogwarts."

She nodded, deciding not to mention all the early lessons she'd received from Severus. "I guess it is harder in some ways, though honestly, I wouldn't know the difference."

"Guess not."

With that, they fell silent, though there was nothing awkward about it. On the contrary, Lily couldn't remember the last time she'd felt so comfortable, closing her eyes as she rested her head on his shoulder.

"Lily?"

"Yeah?"

Peering up at his face, she was caught off guard by the look in his eyes. They were darker, more intent, his hand coming up to tuck a stray lock of hair behind her ear.

"Have I ever told you how beautiful you are?"

"No, but…"

She never got to finish, the words catching in her throat as he brought his lips to hers.

* * *

"Where you going, Snape?"

"Fresh air."

Severus didn't offer any other explanation, pushing away a half empty glass before he got to his feet. He left the others without a backward glance, shielding his eyes as he stepped out into the late October sun.

Absurd, really. He'd waited years for this day, eagerly anticipating the hushed conversation that had just taken place in the Hog's Head. So why did he feel so restless, suddenly desperate to escape?

Touching his arm, he tried to imagine how it would feel to have the brand burned into his skin. Painful, no doubt, though he wasn't afraid of that. It was a small price to pay for the privilege of belonging, even if it meant…

Even if it meant losing Lily?

 _Idiot_. _You've already lost her_.

But was that really true? He'd asked himself that question countless times over the past couple months, haunted by the way she'd looked at him on the day of her parents' funeral. Insane, perhaps, but he could've sworn that she'd been glad to see him. If her wretched sister hadn't interrupted…

The truth was, he didn't _know_ what might've happened. He hadn't seen her for the rest of the summer, hadn't even been near her since they'd returned to Hogwarts.

Then again, that wasn't true either. He'd only been a few feet away from her in the Arithmency classroom, his heart leaping into his throat when he'd spotted her at the door. Of course, that same heart had plummeted when he'd seen who stood behind her.

Scowling, Severus ducked behind the closest building, relieved to discover that he was relatively alone.

Honestly, it was bad enough that Potter had been named Head Boy. Spending hours in Lily's company, patrolling the halls with her each night? Severus would've killed for that privilege, though clearly, it wasn't enough to satisfy precious Potter. He never seemed to leave her alone these days, which also meant she was forced to keep company with his little gang of sycophants.

But that wasn't all. No, the worst part was that she was obviously being deceived.

"I _'m not going to hurt you, Snape_."

Indeed, Potter's little performance must've been for _her_ benefit. Why else had he bothered to restrain himself? He certainly hadn't minded hurting Severus that afternoon, hitting him with a nasty hex that had landed him in the Hospital Wing.

Of course, that was why he'd been forced to do his research after curfew. It was rather difficult to keep up with one's schoolwork when suffering the sting of at least a hundred paper cuts.

What would Lily say if she knew the truth? Would she…

Severus lifted his head, distracted by a rustling noise nearby. A rat scampered across his line of vision, pausing to look at him before it disappeared beneath a pile of trash.

If he'd been in a different mood, he might have exterminated the creature. As it was, he merely wrinkled his nose, deciding to find a more appealing location.

That, he quickly realized, was a mistake.

He spotted them beneath a tree about a dozen yards away, their heads bent close as they gazed into each other's eyes. He tried to look away, but it was no use. All he could do was stare, his stomach twisting in knots as Lily wrapped her arms around Potter's neck.

 _Leave. Bloody hell, just turn around and go_.

When they finally broke apart, he was still frozen in place, wondering why his legs refused to move. And then to his horror, Potter lifted his head, their eyes connecting for an infinitesimal moment.

Potter smirked.

With that, he pressed his lips to Lily's again, pulling her to him in a possessive embrace.

 _Leave! Fucking hell, just go!_

Before Severus knew it, he was running, racing through the forest like a pack of werewolves were nipping at his heels. He didn't know where he was going. He wasn't even aware of his surroundings. All he knew was that he had to get away, as if distance alone could blot out the memory of what he'd just seen.

Finally, he was forced to slow down, stumbling over his feet as he plunged through a thicket of trees. He dropped to his knees, panting harshly as he struggled to catch his breath.

"Hello, Snivellus. Fancy meeting you here."

A chill skittered up his spine as he reached for his wand. Unfortunately, it was too late for that. Black had the advantage, whipping off the Invisibility Cloak with a shout of, " _Stupefy_!"

Severus flew backward, gritting his teeth as his body slammed into a tree.

"James will be along shortly," Black said, his tone conversational. "He's just seeing Lily up to the school. They had a lovely date, from what I understand. I think he even managed to steal a kiss or two."

Lifting his head, Severus watched as another figure materialized from behind the trees.

"Peter, why don't you grab Snivellus's wand? We wouldn't want him to try anything stupid."

Clearly, they'd underestimated his aptitude for wandless magic. He waited until Pettigrew moved closer before he whispered a spell, gratified by the shrill scream that echoed through the trees. His wand slipped from Pettigrew's fingers, landing about a dozen feet away.

" _Accio_ …"

"Oh, I don't think so."

Suddenly, there was a third figure, twin jets of light crashing into Severus's back as he tried to push himself to his feet. He hit the ground hard, his rasping breaths echoed by mocking laughter.

"Leave… me… alone."

"Now, Snivellus," said Potter. "Why would we do that?"

" _Accio_ …"

"Nope." Black plucked Severus's wand from the ground, shoving it in his pocket.

"Coward."

"What did you call him?" Potter demanded.

"I called him a coward," Severus said, finally managing to catch his breath. "Though to be fair, I'd say that word applies to all three of you."

He paid for the insult, wincing as he pressed his fingers to the welt on his cheek.

"Not going to fight back?" Potter said. "Who's the coward now?"

"I'm unarmed, not to mention outnumbered. Isn't that always the way of it? One would _almost_ think you were afraid to engage me in a fair fight."

Potter narrowed his eyes. "If you're looking for a duel…"

"Indeed, I am." Severus paused, giving him a contemptuous look. "I'd like to see how far you can get without your friends backing you up."

"Hey, we're calling the shots here," said Black. "You don't get to…"

Potter shook his head, lifting a hand to stop him. "If Snivellus thinks he can beat me, I'll let him have a crack at it. Hell, why not? It's not like he's going to win."

"True," Black agreed as he pulled Severus's wand out of his pocket. "Though it's a bit less fun for the rest of us."

Severus shrugged. "I'll be happy to duel you when I'm finished with him."

"Right. Like there'll be anything left of you after…"

Severus didn't hear the rest. He focused on his wand, relishing the crackle of energy as he grasped the familiar length of wood. It occurred to him that he could strike without warning, though ultimately, he decided against it. Foolish or not, he couldn't resist the temptation of a fair fight, needing to prove beyond all doubt that his skills were indeed superior.

He could see that desire reflected in Potter, their eyes already locked in combat as they moved into position.

"On three," Black said. "One, two…"

He blocked the first spell, though his Stunner missed Potter by several inches. Suddenly, they were fighting in earnest, jets of light crashing into the nearby trees as they swerved to avoid them. Potter managed to land the first hit, though Severus barely felt it, his breath coming faster as he sliced his wand through the air.

" _Oppugno!_ "

Half a dozen crows appeared, causing Potter to yelp in alarm as they tore at his clothes and hair. They obstructed his vision, too, his next spell missing Severus by at least a dozen feet before it slammed into Pettigrew. Severus heard the scream, though he didn't allow it to distract him. He was in control now, bringing Potter to his knees with a flick of his wand.

With that, he Vanished the birds, his hand twitching as he contemplated his next move. It was tempting, so very tempting, to cast something dark, a spell so savage that it would land Potter in the Hospital Wing for at least a week. Alas, that would defeat the purpose of this little exercise, giving the others an excuse to say that he cheated.

" _Expelliarmus._ "

The spell knocked the wand from Potter's hand, landing him flat on his back.

"I believe," Severus said as he lowered his wand, "that makes me the winn…"

He should've seen it coming. Indeed, he should've known better than to expect a fair fight. As it was, he only had a split second to react.

" _Mastigatus!_ "

Several branches split from the trees, thrashing his opponents as they howled in protest. Unfortunately, he didn't have time to enjoy the spectacle, his body hurled backward by a trio of Stunners. He lay there panting, his vision growing dark around the edges as he mumbled a final spell.

" _Protego._ "


	3. Scars

**Scars**

* * *

Severus opened his eyes, blinking furiously as he fumbled in his pockets. He checked both of his sleeves before he reached for the bedside table, bewildered by the crunch of fallen leaves between his fingers.

" _Accio_ wand?"

He heard a rustling sound, sighing in relief as the familiar length of wood landed in his palm.

" _Lumos_."

Towering trees loomed overhead, the meager light from his wand casting shadows across the forest floor. He shivered as a gust of wind whistled through the branches, sharp and strangely hollow, echoed by the screech of a nearby owl.

He didn't know where he was. Didn't know how he'd gotten there. Only when he attempted to sit up did it come back to him, his body aching in protest as he lowered himself back to the ground.

James Bloody Potter. Sirius Fucking Black. _Of course_. They'd followed him into the trees, choosing to ambush him at a particularly vulnerable moment. After he'd seen Potter kiss Lily…

He groaned, picturing it all over again as he pushed himself up on his arms. And then he groaned for another reason entirely, realizing he had several broken bones. Somehow, he managed to drag himself to the base of the nearest tree, leaning heavily against the trunk as he attempted to heal himself.

It didn't work.

He gave his wand another flick, though it was a useless effort. No matter how hard he tried, he couldn't maintain the focus he needed to perform the spells.

Blood loss? That seemed like the most likely culprit. He had several deep gashes on his legs and torso, one of which was still bleeding. Ripping off a strip of his coat, he applied pressure to the wound, using his other hand to reach in his pocket. He withdrew several tiny flasks, downing a few drops of Blood Replenisher.

Feeling a bit stronger, he mended his broken bones, stifling his moans as he did so. Scrapes, bruises, burns, abrasions… it took him more than an hour to patch himself up, an effort that left him trembling with exhaustion.

Finally, he lay back down, realizing he needed a few more minutes to recuperate. He closed his eyes, still haunted by images that seemed much more painful than his injuries. Lily… Lily kissing Potter… Potter running his hands all over her like she was one of his many possessions. Just the memory of it was sickening, not helped by what he believed to be a mild concussion.

"Fuck."

His stomach lurched, his half healed ribs throbbing as he vomited into a pile of leaves. He couldn't seem to stop it, one excruciating spasm swiftly followed by another until finally, his body went limp.

By that point, he didn't care that he was crying. Didn't care if he lived or died, really. He curled into a fetal position, shivering in the darkness as he wondered what he'd done to deserve such a miserable life.

* * *

"I can't _believe_ he did this to you."

Lily shook her head, staring at the nasty cut on James's cheek. To think that she'd asked him to leave Severus alone, assuming that would be the end of any conflict between them. How could she have been so stupid?

"It's all right. Nothing Madam Pomfrey can't fix."

"I still don't understand what happened. Was he alone?"

"Honestly?" James sighed. "I don't know. After I walked you up to Hogwarts, I went back to find Sirius. Didn't see him right away, so I decided to wait for him behind Honeyduke's. The next thing I knew, someone hit me with a Blinding Hex. Not a strong one, thankfully, but enough to block out my vision for several minutes. Then I… well, I guess he _couldn't_ have been alone. I felt several spells hit me at once, right before I lost consciousness."

"But how do you know it was Severus? I mean, if you couldn't _see_ …"

"I might not have seen him, but I heard him. Can't mistake that voice for anyone else's."

She nodded, conceding the point. "What did he say?"

"I… it doesn't matter."

"Like hell it doesn't. Tell me what he said."

"All right." James hesitated, lowering his voice before he continued. "He said it was only a matter of time before you forgave him. Said he wouldn't let you anywhere near me once he had you back."

"Wouldn't _let_ me?!" She scowled, remembering the last time Severus had dared to use that word with her. "That's _my_ choice, not his!"

"I know," James said. "Anyway, I'm just glad Sirius showed up when he did. I hate to admit it, but I was completely helpless."

"That's nothing to be ashamed of. It wasn't your fault."

"I don't know, Lily. Maybe it was."

"Why do you say that?"

"Well, if I hadn't been such a prat in my earlier years, maybe I wouldn't have been such a target."

"Oh please. You know how the Slytherins are. They'll attack anyone who seems vulnerable, whether or not they've done anything to provoke them. Do you think Mary MacDonald deserved to be cursed? Or Howie Higginbotham?"

"No, I guess not."

"Exactly."

Before James could say anything else, Madame Pomfrey pushed the curtain aside. She gave him a dose of pain reliever before she glanced at Lily, followed by a pointed glance at the door.

"Can I just have a minute to say good night?"

"Fine, but make it quick."

Once Madame Pomfrey was gone, James let out a dramatic sigh, his lips twitching as he flung his arms over his head.

"If you want to take advantage of me, now's your chance. I'm afraid I don't have the strength to fight you off."

She shook her head, stifling a giggle. "Just a kiss goodnight, I promise."

"All right, though do be gentle. I'm an injured man."

Smiling, she leaned over the bed, pressing her lips to his. She left him soon thereafter, tucking the blankets around him before she stepped out into the hallway. Expecting it to be deserted, she was surprised to see a dark clad figure emerge from around the corner.

"Severus?"

He stopped in his tracks, his eyes fixed on hers.

"I want to talk to you," she said, grabbing him by the sleeve of his robe. " _Now_."

He didn't resist, not even when she pushed him against the wall. He _did_ wince, however, which seemed a bit excessive. Was he hurt? She felt a brief flicker of concern, though that was quickly forgotten when she remembered James's injuries.

"Why, Severus? Why did you do it?"

"I…" He trailed off, his expression wary. "I'm not sure what you mean."

"Oh, don't play the innocent with me. You know _exactly_ what I'm talking about!"

"If you're referring to the incident with Potter…"

" _Incident?_ " She stared at him incredulously. "You _ambushed_ him!"

"Is that what he told you? Well, I'm afraid it was the other way around."

"Then why is _he_ the one lying in the Hospital Wing?"

"I healed myself."

She shook her head. "You don't know how to heal, Severus. All you ever do is destroy."

He jerked his face away, his expression shielded by a curtain of hair. Even his body recoiled, increasing the distance between them as he spoke in a low, trembling voice.

"If that's what you think of me…"

"What else am I supposed to think?"

"Oh, I don't know," he said bitterly. "Give me the benefit of the doubt, perhaps?"

"I _have_ , Severus. I gave you the benefit of the doubt for _years_. And where did that get me? You just kept hanging around with those terrible people, messing with the Dark Arts and Merlin knows what else. Then you called me that awful name…"

"I _told_ you I was sorry for that."

"Yes, but the rest of it didn't change, did it? You _still_ …"

"Mr. Snape!"

They both turned their heads to see Professor McGonagall striding down the hall. Her expression was sterner than Lily had ever seen it, steel gray eyes fixed on Severus.

"Give me one reason," she said as she drew closer, "why I shouldn't expel you."

"Because I haven't…" Severus hesitated, muttering something under his breath. "Expel me if you wish. I really don't care."

"I'm sure that's what you'd like everyone to think. Do you know what _I_ think, Mr. Snape?"

"No."

"I think you _do_ care. That's why I'm not going to expel you, at least for the time being."

Severus closed his eyes, sighing in apparent relief. It was a strange reaction, one Lily wouldn't have expected. Was he really that concerned about his schooling? She'd assumed he couldn't wait to leave Hogwarts, as eager as his friends to become one of Lord Voldemort's followers.

"You will be serving detention, however," Professor McGonagall continued. "8 PM on Saturdays."

"How many…"

"Until the end of the school year. Oh, and I'm taking 75 points from Slytherin."

"75?!"

"50 points for your assault on James Potter. 25 points for your late return."

"I couldn't _help_ being late! I was…" Severus sighed, giving his head a little shake. "Fine. Can I go now?"

"If you'll agree to my final stipulation."

"What's that?"

"You will apologize to Mr. Potter."

"No."

Professor McGonagall narrowed her eyes. "This isn't optional."

"And yet I still have the ability to refuse." Severus, who'd seemed defeated just a moment before, now stood defiant. "I will _not_ apologize. Not to _him_. Punish me, torture me, kill me outright, I don't care. I'd rather die than…"

"Oh, don't be so dramatic."

They glared at each other, seeming to have forgotten Lily's presence. She took advantage of the lull in their conversation, placing a hand on Severus's arm.

"Why don't you just apologize? I know you don't like James, but what you did was wrong. Can't you see that?"

" _I didn't do anything wrong!_ He's the one who started it, he…"

"Don't you want this to end? This rivalry between you, this feud, whatever it is. Wouldn't it be easier if all of you could just let it go?"

"Yes, but…"

"Well," she interrupted, keeping her voice gentle. "That has to start somewhere. Apologize to him, please. Maybe it will help."

For a long moment, Severus didn't speak. He llifted his eyes to the wall, his features twisting with a dozen conflicting emotions. And then finally, he met her eyes again, his expression filled with what seemed like genuine regret.

"I can't do it," he said quietly. "Not even for you."

"Bloody hell, Severus! Why can't you just…"

He shook his head. "I might have been willing to apologize for this afternoon, disregarding the fact that I did nothing to provoke it. But what he's doing to you? I will never, _ever_ forgive him for that. That's why I cannot, _will not_ …"

"What he's doing to _me?_ "

"He's deceiving you, Lily. He's manipulating you and you can't even see it. You have no _idea_ …"

"What are you _talking_ about? He hasn't _done_ anything…"

"It's late," Professor McGonagall interrupted. "Time for both of you to get back to your common rooms. Oh, and Mr. Snape? If you refuse to apologize, then you'll be serving double detentions. Saturdays and Sundays from now until the end of the school year."

"I'll see you on Saturday, then," he snapped. "Sunday, too."

With that, he shook his head, muttering under his breath as he stalked away.

Professor McGonagall waited for him to disappear, seeming more relaxed as she turned her attention to Lily.

"May I give you a bit of advice?"

"Um, sure."

"Be careful with him."

"Severus?"

Professor McGonagall nodded. "I try not to meddle in the personal lives of my students, but I can't pretend I'm not concerned. I know the two of you used to be close."

"We aren't anymore."

"Yes, well, I don't think he's too happy about your estrangement. He'd be willing to say just about anything to get back in your good graces, I'm sure."

"So you don't think it's possible that James attacked him first?"

"It seems highly unlikely. Only one of them has cause to be jealous, after all, and it isn't Mr. Potter."

Lily nodded. "I _have_ been spending a lot of time with James lately."

"And none with Mr. Snape. It's certainly possible, _probable_ even, that he decided to lash out. The trip to Hogsmeade would've been a perfect opportunity to do so."

"But the way he talked about it…" She trailed off, recalling the conversation she'd just had with Severus. True, he'd claimed that it had been James who'd ambushed him, but he hadn't tried that hard to convince her. It was as if he'd already given up, like he knew she wouldn't believe him no matter what he said.

"He tried to make you feel sorry for him," Professor McGonagall finished for her. "He does that with me, too, though I never fall for it. It's manipulation, plain and simple."

"He said that _James_ was the one who was trying to manipulate me."

"You don't believe that, do you?"

Lily hesitated, remembering the bitterness in Severus's voice when he spoke. Was it really all an act? Part of her still wanted to believe him, yet she couldn't ignore the memory of James lying in that hospital bed. James, who had no reason to lie to her, who'd certainly had no reason to lash out at Severus. Really, why would he have done such a thing? Severus was no threat to him.

"No," she finally responded, her voice quiet. "I guess not."

* * *

Over the next couple months, Severus's life went from bad to worse. Potter and Black tormented him daily, newly emboldened by the incident in the forest. And why _wouldn't_ they feel confident? Without any threat of punishment, they had nothing to lose.

Naturally, they never challenged him to a fair fight. They'd learned that lesson the hard way. Instead, they did their best to catch him unawares, relying on Potter's invisibility cloak to conceal their location. He could hardly walk through the halls now without getting hit by some nasty hex, unable to defend himself against assailants who refused to show their faces.

Cowards.

Meanwhile, Lily remained ignorant of their actions. Potter acted like a bloody saint whenever she was around, relying on his friends to do his dirty work. It didn't help that he'd continued to paint Severus as the villain, blaming him for numerous things he hadn't even done. 25 points from Slytherin for a Stinging Jinx he hadn't cast. 50 points for destroying Potter's Transfiguration textbook, ignoring the fact that he'd been asleep when the incident had occurred.

Severus could handle the punishments. Lily's accusatory glares? Those were more difficult to tolerate, though it seemed he had little choice in the matter.

Still, he found ways of striking back. He'd put Black in the Hospital Wing twice last week, and the vomit inducer he'd slipped into Potter's pumpkin juice had been particularly entertaining. Granted, he hadn't meant for Lily to have to deal with the results, but ruining one of their endless snogging sessions? He couldn't be sorry for that.

"Keep scrubbing. I want you gone by midnight."

Severus jerked his head, pouring more cleanser on the floor. He shifted back to his hands and knees, scrubbing furiously at a spot that had probably been there for centuries.

Filch grunted. "That's more like it."

The detentions weren't a bright spot in his life either, but he could tolerate working for Filch. What troubled him was the reason behind it, the fact that (as usual) he'd been forced to play the scapegoat. No one cared about his side of the story. They wouldn't have believed him even if they'd chosen to hear him out. The teachers had treated him that way for years, of course, but Lily…

The irony was, he'd never lied to her. He'd always told her the truth, whether it benefited him or not. She'd known who his friends were, had been well aware of his interest in the Dark Arts, regardless of her disapproval. He'd _never_ attempted to mislead her, even on the night she'd ended their friendship.

 _"You see, you don't even deny it! You don't even deny that's what you're all aiming to be! You can't wait to join You-Know-Who, can you?"_

One little lie. Just one little lie, and he could've earned her forgiveness. Instead, he'd let her come to her own conclusions, damning himself in the process.

Why?

He'd asked himself that question countless times, though the answer was always the same. He loved her too much to deceive her. He couldn't pretend to be anything other than what he was, even if that led to her rejection. The choice had always been hers – he couldn't bear the thought of keeping her around under false pretenses.

Severus scowled, pouring more cleanser on the floor before he resumed scrubbing. Fucking Potter. _Lily_ and Potter. Everything about their relationship made him sick, but the worst part, the absolute _worst_ …

 _"You ambushed him!"_

 _"Is that what he told you? Well, I'm afraid it was the other way around."_

 _"Then why is he the one lying in the Hospital Wing?"_

Potter was a bloody liar. A deceitful, manipulative piece of shit. Trying so hard to be honest, only to lose Lily to someone like _him?_ It was beyond insulting. Intolerable. He couldn't _believe_ …

"Good enough for now. Get out of here."

Severus sat up, surprised to see that the floor was spotless. Despite his bloody knuckles, he felt a tiny bit better, relieved to have found an outlet for his frustrations.

He headed downstairs, wondering what time it was as he hurried along the deserted hallway. Perhaps he could finish that Charms essay before he…

" _Stupefy!_ "

Two jets of light hit him in the chest, leaving him no chance to reach for his wand. Not that it would've done him any good. He hit the ground with an excruciating thud, horrified as he recognized the effects of the second spell. He couldn't move, couldn't speak, couldn't even turn his head to see who'd attacked him. All he could do was lay there, rigid and helpless, his eyes darting around frantically as he realized what was happening.

First, they removed his robes, followed by his boots and trousers. His shirt came off next, scraps of shredded fabric floating in the air like snowflakes. They even got rid of his socks, chuckling softly as they did so.

"Go ahead, Padfoot. _Do it_."

"If you insist."

Severus cringed as his underpants disappeared, his bare backside pressed against the cold stone floor. He'd never felt more vulnerable, more exposed, dreading what might happen next. They could do anything they wanted. What could he do to stop them?

"Look how small it is."

"Sad little thing," Black agreed. "Think he's ever used it on anyone?"

"Are you kidding? Who the hell would shag someone like him?"

"Good point."

Inwardly, Severus scowled, fear momentarily replaced by injured pride. _Small?_ Hardly. Between a complete lack of arousal and the bitter cold, it was only to be expected that…

Potter moved closer, his shadow darkening Severus's line of vision.

"Well, since he obviously doesn't need it, maybe we should cut it off."

Fear returned with a vengeance, an icy trickle of sweat creeping down Severus's neck as Potter poked him with the tip of his wand. He wouldn't… would he? Surely there were some things even the precious Marauders couldn't get away with.

"Nah," Black said. "I've got a better idea."

He whispered something to Potter, though the words were too low to overhear. Potter laughed in response to whatever he said, murmuring in agreement.

" _Reducio!_ "

A shrinking charm? Comparatively speaking, that wasn't so bad. Humiliating, yes, but if that was the worst they could do…

"Ready?"

Severus wasn't prepared for what happened next. He heard a rustle of fabric, followed by something warm and wet hitting his chest, his stomach, soaking his face and hair. He tried in vain to turn away, gagging as the pungent odor of urine invaded his nostrils.

"All right, Snivellus," Potter said as his voice faded into the distance. "Sleep well."

Until that moment, Severus hadn't decided to become a Death Eater. Oh, he'd thought about it, but there'd always been some niggling doubt in the back of his mind, urging him to proceed with caution. But as he lay there naked and helpless, unable to even shiver in response to the frigid night air, those doubts were finally put to rest.

* * *

Professor Flitwick found Severus the next morning, though he wasn't spared the humiliation of at least a dozen students peering at him over the tiny wizard's head. Flitwick shooed them away, canceling the Petrificus spell with a flick of his wand. He cast a Warming Charm, draping his cloak over Severus's lap.

"My word, Severus! Who did this to you?"

Potter and Black chose that exact moment to walk by, their expressions smug as they stared down at him. Lily was right behind them, though she at least had enough consideration to turn around, affording him some small measure of privacy.

His first instinct was to call them out. Indeed, he wanted nothing more than to tell Flitwick exactly what they'd done. But would it do any good? Of course not. Despicable though they were, neither Potter or Black were stupid. They would've never struck out at him unless they were sure they could get away with it.

No. He refused to give them the satisfaction. Pleading for justice, only to be denied? He'd been humiliated enough.

"I don't know who did it," he finally said, his voice raspy from lack of use. "I never saw them."

* * *

Severus didn't take the Hogwarts Express when he left for winter break. With his 18th birthday just a few weeks away, he was of age now, old enough to use the Apparition point beyond the front gate.

Hesitating, he reached in the pocket of his traveling cloak. Withdrawing a roll of parchment, he unfurled it, staring down at several lines of neat script.

 _Severus Snape,_  
 _I understand that you, a wizard of considerable talent and alacrity, have shown interest in joining our cause. If this is still the case, report to 114 Wiltshire Dr. in Newcastle, England at 8 PM on December 16 for further consultation._

Tucking the message away, he closed his eyes, turning in a slow circle as he focused on his destination. It turned out to be a derelict old house, leaving him to wonder if he'd gotten the location wrong. He thought about making another attempt, but then a hooded figure slipped out of the shadows, approaching him with slow, measured footsteps.

"Severus Snape?"

"Yes."

"Good, very good. Come with me."

The interior of the house looked no better than the outside, full of dust and cobwebs and broken down furniture. What was going on? Surely the Dark Lord would never inhabit a place like this.

"Put these on."

Despite his uneasiness, Severus did as he was told. He exchanged his cloak for the heavy brown one, covering his head with the tattered hood.

"I thought Death Eaters wore…"

"You're not a Death Eater yet. Come."

Obediently, he followed the hooded figure, slipping behind a rickety old bookcase. He descended the steps that lay on the other side, gasping as he observed his new surroundings.

It was the most elegant room he'd ever seen, dozens of torches reflecting off the gilded walls. The floor was crafted from black marble, antique furniture of velvet and mahogany scattered throughout. He imagined this was what a royal reception hall would look like, and indeed, there was a fair amount of truth to that impression. At the other end f the room stood a raised dais, in the middle of which sat an intricately carved chair.

Severus stopped in his tracks, his eyes widening. He took a deep breath, his heart pounding furiously as the Dark Lord beckoned him forward with a pale, slim hand.

"Go on," the wizard beside him whispered. "There's no need to be afraid."

"I'm not afraid," he said, and indeed, he wasn't. He moved forward without hesitation, his footsteps echoing in the otherwise silent hall.

"Severus Snape," Voldemort said when he drew near. "Come, sit beside me."

"My lord, I'm not worthy of the honor."

His behavior was met with a hiss of approval, followed by a satisfied nod.

"There's no need to stand on ceremony, Severus. Not tonight. I simply wish to make your acquaintance."

The next thing he knew, he was seated beside the Dark Lord, holding a glass of the finest elf made wine he'd ever tasted. The wizard who'd escorted him retreated to the opposite side of the room, seeming to obey some unspoken request for privacy.

"Now, why don't you tell me why you came here?"

"I received your invitation, my lord."

"That isn't what I mean."

Severus hesitated. "I came because I'm sympathetic to your cause. Like you, I believe…"

"No," Voldemort interrupted. "That isn't the answer I'm looking for. Why are you here?"

"Because I'm tired of my insignificance. Tired of feeling powerless. I am tired of wanting things that cannot possibly be mine. I'm tired of knowing that no matter what I do…"

"Yes?" the Dark Lord prompted when he trailed off.

"I'm _tired_ ," he repeated. "Tired of feeling less than. Unworthy. Tired of others looking down on me, assuming they can treat me like rubbish."

"And why should anyone look down on you? You've barely reached your majority, yet you're already exceptionally skilled. From what I understand, you possess more knowledge about the Dark Arts than wizards four times your age, not to mention your considerable talent with potions."

"How do you know…"

"I've been watching you for years, Severus, marveling over your potential."

"T-thank you, my lord." Severus stared at him, stunned, hardly able to believe that anyone could find him so valuable. To merit such close scrutiny…

"Now, I'll ask you one more time. _Why are you here?_ "

"Because I want to explore my full potential. I want to draw upon my talents, use them to create a world where those talents are valued and respected. I want to be confident in my power, to know that no one can look down on me for who I am. I want my enemies…"

"Your enemies," Voldemort repeated, lingering over the words like a caress. "What do you want from your enemies?"

Severus couldn't help but picture the Marauders, recalling countless injustices he'd suffered at their hands. It hadn't been so bad when he'd had the option of striking back, but all those times they'd rendered him helpless? They'd stripped away his dignity, treating him as something less than human.

"I want them to respect my power," he said quietly. "I want them to fear it. I want them to think twice before they strike out against me, knowing that the consequences will be severe if they ever choose to do so."

Voldemort nodded. "If that is what you want, then that is what you shall have. And I will be the one to give it to you."

"I… I don't know what to say."

"We are a family, Severus. We take care of our own. Join our cause and you will earn the respect you desire. You'll be supported in your ambitions, granted protection, valued for your contributions. All I ask in return is your loyalty."

"My lord." Severus dropped from his chair, kneeling at the Dark Lord's feet. "It is yours."

"Well then, are you ready to take the Mark?"

"Please."

Severus bared his forearm, bracing himself for the pain. It was pure agony, though he managed to remain silent, gritting his teeth as his nerve endings caught fire. And then just as suddenly, the pain was gone. He opened his eyes, staring in wonder at the intricate brand that had been etched into his skin.

"With this mark, I proclaim you one of ours," Voldemort said, his eyes glittering beneath the torchlight. "From now until your final breath, your allegiance lies with me."

"My lord, I commit myself to your service."


	4. Doubts

**Author's Note** : _This chapter includes brief graphic violence and references to sexual assault. No main characters are involved in the latter._

* * *

 **Doubts**

* * *

Lily followed James across the Hogwarts grounds, stopping at the edge of the Forbidden Forest. The trees along the perimeter grew in thick clusters, shielding them from view as they settled themselves on the grass.

"Two more weeks," he said. "Can you believe it?"

"I've been trying not to think about it too much."

"Oh, come on. You don't want to stay in school, do you?"

"It isn't that. I just…"

She trailed off, not knowing how to explain herself. How could James understand what it felt like to be without a home? That was the reality she'd lived with since Petunia had sold off their parents' house, sending her only a tiny fraction of the profits.

 _We went far below market price to ensure a quick sale, and of course, we had burial expenses to cover. You understand._

Had Petunia been telling the truth? Lily couldn't bring herself to care either way. All she knew was that she had little money and even fewer options.

"Not sure what you want to do yet?"

She nodded. "Something like that."

"Well, my offer still stands."

"Moving in with you?"

"Why not? It's the perfect solution."

"We've only been together for seven months," she pointed out. "Don't you think it's a little soon?"

"Too soon for what? I didn't know there was a time limit on these things."

"There's not, but we don't have to rush into anything. I could always rent a little flat. I've got enough to cover rent and necessities for a month or two, which would give me time to find a job."

"A _job?_ Lily, I don't want you working."

"You don't _want_ …" She narrowed her eyes into slits. "If this is some chauvinistic…"

"Not at all!" he said hastily. "I'm just worried about your safety. You know what they did to those Muggleborn shopkeepers. They've got spies all over Diagon Alley, and I swear I saw a couple in Hogsmeade the last time we were there."

"I could get a Muggle job."

"Don't you need training for that?"

"For some jobs, yes, but I…" She trailed off, realizing that her Muggle education was terribly insufficient. Who'd want to hire a teenager who'd only completed primary school?

"You'd end up with some terrible job that pays next to nothing," James said. "Anyway, this isn't the time to worry about money."

She snorted. "That's easy for _you_ to say. Some of us don't have the luxury…"

"You will if you move in with me. Safe place to live, all your needs taken care of? Pretty good deal if you ask me."

"I know, but I don't want to be dependent on anyone. I'd like to take care of myself."

"Understandable," he said. "Admirable, even. But we're in the middle of a war, Lily. Why spend your time slaving away at some meaningless job when you're needed for more important things?"

"The Order?"

"Of course."

"James, we haven't even been recruited."

"Not yet, but we will. I know we will." He brought a hand to her face, caressing her cheek with his thumb. "And when that time comes, I want us to fight together. Don't you want that, too?"

"You know I do."

"Then why don't you move in with me? It's the best solution, at least for now. Everything else can be sorted later."

She opened her mouth and then closed it again, knowing he was right. She couldn't give the war her full attention if she had to worry about searching for employment, finding a place to live, working day and night just to pay for food and shelter. True, she liked the idea of providing for herself, but right now, she had other priorities.

"Okay," she said. "Let's do it."

"Really?"

She nodded.

"Brilliant!" He pulled her into his arms, hugging her tightly. "Anyway, if you don't like living with me, you can always move out. It's not like I'm going to tie you up and keep you there."

She tilted her head back, flashing him a mischievous grin. "What if I _want_ you to tie me up?"

"Hmmm, well, maybe if you ask nicely…"

He trailed off, lowering his mouth to hers. As usual, his kisses were gentle, restrained, his lips remaining closed until she urged them to open. He didn't resist as she deepened the kiss, but he kept his hands on her back, her shoulders, never attempting to touch her anywhere else.

When they'd first gotten together, she'd appreciated his restraint. Now it left her feeling frustrated, longing for things she couldn't bring herself to say aloud. She tried to show him instead, moaning softly as she pressed herself against him.

He didn't respond… at least, not in the way she'd hoped he would. He just went on kissing her, burying his fingers in her hair.

 _"When it comes to boys, you have to be blunt. They're not good at picking up on hints."_

She couldn't remember who'd told her that, but it seemed like sound advice. Hesitantly, she lowered her hand to James's lap, rubbing him through the fabric of his robes.

"Lily, we can't."

"Why not?"

He shook his head, putting a little distance between them. "Someone might see."

"You have the Invisibility Cloak, don't you? We can use that to cover ourselves."

"Yeah, I guess we could, but… _bloody hell!_ "

"What's wrong?"

"Sirius," he said as he scrambled to his feet. "Told him to meet me at the Quidditch pitch an hour ago. I'll… um, I'll see you at dinner, all right?"

"Sure."

This wasn't the first time her attempts to get closer to him had failed. If his friends didn't interrupt, he had an assignment to finish. If homework was done, he had to attend an unplanned Quidditch practice. There was always some teacher who needed to see him, some book he'd left in the Transfiguration classroom, _some_ reason why he couldn't be alone with her for more than a few minutes at a time.

She sighed, resisting the urge to cry as she watched him hurry away. What was she doing wrong? Was she being too pushy? Maybe so, but she'd waited months for him to make the first move. He hadn't.

 _"I can't believe you're dating James Potter. He's so dreamy."_

" _Yeah, I bet he's a great shag._ "

" _I wouldn't know,_ " she'd told the pair of sixth years. " _We haven't…_ "

" _You're holding out on him? Wow._ "

" _Don't know how you do it,_ " the other girl said. " _I would've dropped my knickers the first time he kissed me_."

Naturally, they'd assumed the reluctance was on _her_ side. Wasn't that the way it usually was with teenage boys? She'd heard the gossip in the common room, eavesdropped on her classmates as they whispered at breakfast. From what she understood, it was the boys who couldn't wait to have sex, while the girls…

" _Don't know why I bother wearing these things,_ " Mary McDonald had said as she'd put on her bra that morning. " _He's already ripped two of them trying to get them off_."

" _Well, at least he takes the time to undress you. Mine just hikes up my robe and has his way with me._ "

 _"Oh, so_ that's _how your knickers wound up in the Charms classroom."_

" _Yep. Had to make a run for it when we heard Flitwick coming._ "

The girls liked it, too. That much was obvious, despite their mock exasperation. They blushed and they giggled, confident in their desirability. And why _wouldn't_ they be? Their boyfriends were insatiable, always looking for any opportunity to shag.

Meanwhile, James stuck to his chaste kisses, never even attempting to put his hands under Lily's robes. Was it any wonder she felt insecure? She wished she could talk to someone about her feelings, but what could she say? "I'm afraid my boyfriend isn't attracted to me?"

No, that was too embarrassing. Besides, it didn't make sense. Why would James be in a relationship with her if he didn't find her attractive? Why would he have asked her to move in with him? Surely he wouldn't have done that if he didn't want to sleep with her. Living together meant…

It meant they'd have privacy. They'd be able to have sex in their own bed, not up against the wall in some dusty corridor. They wouldn't have to worry about getting caught, constantly looking over their shoulders as they hurried to finish. No risk of embarrassment, no need to worry about detentions or loss of House Points.

Could that be it? Was James just waiting until circumstances were more ideal? Maybe he wanted their first time to be romantic, like the flowers he'd given her for Valentine's Day.

The more Lily thought about it, the more this theory made sense. James was interested in much more than a quick shag, after all. What he wanted was a life, a future that the two of them could share. He'd made that clear when he'd practically begged her to move in with him, promising her safety and comfort. He wouldn't have done that, unless…

Unless he loved her.

That was the difference, she realized. True, he'd never said those words aloud, but his actions told her everything she needed to know. Why had she ever doubted him?

No, there was no harm in waiting. In just two more weeks, she'd have him all to herself. There'd be no more excuses, no distractions, no need to constantly compete with his friends for his attention. _That_ would be the right time to take their relationship further. She'd be able to spend as much time with him as she wanted, finally getting to know him in ways that had never been possible at Hogwarts.

"Two more weeks," she whispered, smiling to herself as she wandered back up to the school.

* * *

Severus lowered his hood, wand clutched tightly as he moved out of the shadows. Two figures materialized on either side of him, one quite tall while the other was relatively petite. Female? Perhaps, though it really didn't matter unless…

Unless it was Lily.

 _Lily in Death Eater robes?_ A few months ago, the idea would've been absurd. She'd despised the Dark Lord and everything he stood for. Of course, she couldn't have known that Voldemort was hardly the tyrant the Wizarding world believed him to be. He was generous, even kind to his followers, never one to strike out indiscriminately. True, a handful of Muggleborns had been killed over the past few months, but only those who posed a direct threat.

"Our raid on Diagon Alley was a success. The Mudblood shopkeepers have been disposed of."

"What did they do, my lord?"

"They poisoned one of our own."

"How?"

"He tried to purchase Dreamless Sleep, not realizing they'd replaced it with something far more noxious. It's a good thing you had us well supplied with antidotes – otherwise, he'd be dead now."

"I'm glad I could be of service, my lord."

"Do you see, Severus? This is why it is so important to keep our bloodlines pure. Too many Mudbloods are horrendously flawed, unworthy of the world we're trying to create. Their magic is weaker, their morality easily corrupted. That is the price of having not just one but two Muggle parents."

"My lord, I agree, though I do wonder…"

"Yes?"

"Could there be any exceptions?"

Voldemort hesitated. "Well, I suppose there are always exceptions. If a Mudblood was suitably talented, fully committed to our cause? I might permit them to join our ranks."

Severus had seized the opportunity he'd been given, telling the Dark Lord all about Lily. He'd emphasized her considerable talent with charms, explaining that her skill with potions was equal to his own. The latter was a slight exaggeration, but Voldemort didn't need to know that. If he just gave her a chance, surely he'd realize how exceptional she was.

"She's also a capable duelist, my lord. There are few who can beat her, even among Purebloods."

"Impressive," Voldemort said. "And she's a friend of yours?"

"She is… someone I value."

"Someone you desire?"

Severus hadn't responded, though of course, there was no need to. Voldemort had already come to his own conclusions, nodding slightly as he'd leaned back in his chair.

"Well, Severus, I suppose it wouldn't hurt to make her an offer. If she's as powerful as you claim, we could certainly use her talents."

Had Lily accepted the offer? He couldn't be sure, though he chose to be optimistic. If she'd just agreed to one meeting with the Dark Lord, she would've seen that she had nothing to fear from him. True, she was impossibly stubborn, but if anyone could inspire a change of heart, it was Voldemort.

Severus came back to the present, realizing that the smaller figure couldn't possibly be Lily. There was no grace to her movements, her wand slicing savagely as she blasted the door apart.

"Oh, goody," she said, seeming to relish the sound of Muggle screams. "Time to play!"

Severus had assumed the deaths would be quick and painless. Instead, the young couple were brought to their knees, twisting and writhing under the effects of the Cruciatus curse. They cried out again and again, pleading for mercy until they no longer had the ability to speak.

"Wait," said the male Death Eater. "Let me have a little fun before you curse them into insanity."

The female Death Eater snorted. "They don't have to be sane for that."

"No, but it's much better when they know what's happening to them. _Prorsus nudi!_ "

Severus hovered in the doorway, doing his best to remain stoic. Oddly enough, he couldn't help remembering how he'd felt when Potter and Black had stripped off his clothes, though that was nothing compared to the brutal violation the Muggles were forced to endure. Hours seemed to pass before the Death Eater finished, humming in satisfaction as he straightened his robes.

"Go on, then. Take your pleasure."

"My _pleasure?_ "

"Boy, girl, whichever takes your fancy."

Severus looked down, unable to imagine anything _less_ arousing than the pitiful creatures who lay shivering on the floor. Both of them were covered in filth, a pungent smell informing him that at least one of them had soiled themselves.

He shook his head. "Muggles aren't to my taste."

"No? Well, you better do _something_. The Dark Lord won't like it if you don't participate, especially on your first ambush."

"He doesn't have the stomach for it," said the female Death Eater. "You know how these new ones are."

Severus knew then that he had no choice. He took a deep breath, pointing his wand at the Muggles. Several slashing motions and blood sprayed across the room, splashing the walls, the furniture, even his companions. It wasn't a pleasant death, but at least it was a quick one. There was a terrible gurgling sound as he severed the Muggles' throats, swiftly followed by silence.

"What spell was that?"

" _Sectumsempra_ ," he said, wiping the blood off his wand before he tucked it back in his sleeve.

"I've never heard of it."

"One of my own inventions."

"Really?" said the smaller Death Eater. "It's quite… visual. You must teach me how to do it."

"Of course."

He followed her out of the house, wondering how he could've ever mistaken her for Lily. Lily would _never_ be found in a place like this, killing Muggles for sport. No one, not even the Dark Lord himself could convince her to do such a thing.

Bidding the others farewell, he returned to Spinner's End, stripping off his robes as he entered the bathroom. He stopped in front of the mirror, jarred by the sight of his own reflection. Staring back at him was a gaunt, grim faced figure, eyes haunted by the things he'd seen and done. His hands still trembled ever so slightly, streaks of dried blood standing out in sharp relief against his pale skin.

The next thing he knew, he was standing in the shower, water so hot it was almost scalding. He scrubbed himself furiously, shaking his head as he did so. Lily… joining the Dark Lord's ranks… how had he been foolish enough to think she'd even _consider_ such a thing? Why hadn't he realized…

Muttering under his breath, he turned off the water. He dried himself off, slipping on a clean pair of shorts before he retrieved his Death Eater robes from the bathroom floor.

" _Scourgify._ "

The blood on the sleeve was from the female Muggle. He'd killed her first, seeing no point in prolonging her suffering. The male had seemed more resigned to his fate, his jaw set, eyes fixed on the ceiling. Killing him had been slightly easier, but the _female_ …

Severus would never forget the way she'd stared up at him, her face wet with tears as she'd begged for mercy. He'd watched the hope in her eyes fade, swiftly followed by terror as he'd lifted his wand. In that moment, he'd wanted nothing more than to tell her to look away, wishing he could rip off his cloak and cover her face. But of course, that hadn't been an option. He'd had no choice but to slice her throat, knowing that his own murderous eyes were the last thing she'd ever see.

Murder. There was no other word for what he'd done that night. He couldn't pretend there was any justifiable reason for killing those Muggles – what threat could they have possibly posed to the magical world?

That, he supposed, was the sickening part. Facing a worthy opponent was one thing, but terrorizing defenseless Muggles? Forcing them to endure hours of torture? It had been the worst sort of bullying, a disgusting combination of cruelty and cowardice.

Cowardice… yet the Dark Lord condoned it. Why?

Severus cast another cleansing charm, wondering if joining the Death Eaters had been a mistake. He couldn't be sure, though there was one thing he knew for certain. He'd proven his worth that night. Whatever happened, no one could ever accuse him of having a weak stomach again.

* * *

Contrary to Lily's expectations, James wasn't in any hurry to get their own place. They moved in with his parents instead, both of whom welcomed her with open arms.

"Come, let me show you to your room," said Mrs. Potter. "I did my best to make it comfortable, though if you'd like to make any changes…"

"No, this is perfect. Thank you."

"Wonderful. I'll leave you to get settled, then."

She'd never seen such lovely furniture, rich mahogany carved with intricate flowers. There was a huge dresser and a mirrored vanity, matching the table and chairs that had been placed in one corner. The bed was the most impressive part of all, cloaked by a white lace canopy that fluttered in the breeze from the open window.

"Well?" James said, closing the door behind them. "What do you think?"

"I love it. I just… I thought we'd be sharing a room."

"My parents are a little old-fashioned. They believe witches and wizards should be married before they sleep together."

"I understand," she said, doing her best to hide her disappointment. "Maybe we can get a hotel room for a few hours, or…"

"Lily."

"What's wrong?"

Taking her by the hand, James led her over to the table. He sat down on the other side, hesitating for a long moment before he spoke.

"To tell you the truth," he said, "I feel the same way my parents do. I know it sounds daft, but I… I've always wanted to wait until my wedding night. I'd like the first person I ever sleep with to be my wife."

"James…"

"Oh, I know it's unrealistic. Stupid, really. If you'd rather not wait, I suppose we can…"

"I don't mind waiting."

"You don't?"

"Not at all," she said. "I mean, now that I know the real reason… I was beginning to think you weren't attracted to me."

He laughed, giving his head a little shake. "Trust me, that isn't the problem. You have _no idea_ …"

"Oi, what's going on?"

She glanced over her shoulder, suppressing a sigh as she spotted Sirius. He still shared a room with James, which of course, was the other issue with their living arrangements. Not that she didn't _like_ Sirius, but…

"Hey Padfoot! We going out or what?"

"I'm up for it if you are. How about you, Lils?"

She shook her head. "I've got too much unpacking to do."

"All right then. Have fun!"

They took off for the pub, leaving her to settle into a strange house with people she barely knew. It wasn't so bad, really – she joined the Potters for dinner, followed by a pleasant chat about her years at Hogwarts. Still, she couldn't help feeling lonely as she headed up to bed, wondering if she'd made a mistake.

No. James loved her. He'd treated her kindly, giving her a home rather than leaving her to fend for herself. True, he wasn't around to _share_ that home at the moment, but surely it wouldn't be like this every night. Really, what was wrong with him spending a little time with friends? It wasn't like she couldn't do the same thing.

With that thought, she sat down at the little table, reaching for quill and parchment.

 _Dear…_

She frowned, unable to think of a single person she could contact. Over the past couple years, her own friendships had faded, replaced by James and _his_ friends. How had she let that happen? Why hadn't she…

"Lily?"

Startled, she turned around to find James standing in the doorway. His black hair was even messier than usual, his eyes slightly unfocused.

"Are you drunk?"

"Nah. Can I come in?"

"Sure."

He nodded, closing the door behind him before he settled himself at the table. Fumbling in his pocket, he withdrew a roll of parchment, running a finger across the unbroken seal.

"What's that?"

"Someone left it on my table at the pub. It's addressed to both of us."

"Well? What does it say?"

He shrugged. "Doubt it's anything important. We might as well just toss it out."

"Oh, don't you dare!" She snatched the letter out of his hand, ignoring his smirk as she broke the seal.

" _Dear Miss Evans and Mr. Potter,_ " she read aloud, " _I understand that both of you have shown considerable promise, one descended from a noble bloodline while the other possesses enough talent to compensate for her lower birth…"_

"My lower _birth?_ " She shook her head, forcing herself to continue.

 _"In light of this, I believe that each of you could be beneficial to our cause. We have much to offer, including…"_

"Honestly," James interrupted, "I don't give a toss what he has to offer. Hand me that quill – I'll write back and tell him to sod off."

"No, don't."

"Why not? Don't tell me you're actually _considering_ …"

"Of course not, but there's useful information here. He's given us an address, says we should meet him there on Saturday night. Shouldn't we pass that along to the Order? Maybe we can help them set up an ambush or something."

Clearly, James was drunker than she'd thought. It took him a few minutes to catch on, though once he did, his face broke into a grin.

"Brilliant. I'll write to Dumbledore…"

"Tomorrow morning," she said firmly, plucking the quill out of his hand.

"Tomorrow," he agreed.

* * *

"Excellent," Dumbledore said as he inspected the letter. "Write back and tell him that you accept his offer. Just be sure not to sound _too_ enthusiastic. A fair amount of skepticism will be much more believable."

"What will happen when we get there?"

"The Order will be watching from a distance, ready to move in as soon as you give us the signal. Here, take these."

He placed a Galleon in each of their hands, seeming to enjoy their confusion as they inspected the coins. Lily gasped as hers suddenly grew warm, her eyes widening as she stared down at the single line of script.

 _Would you like to join the Order?_

"How do I respond? With the coin, I mean."

"Just project your thoughts," Dumbledore said. "It's very simple."

"Okay." She clutched the coin tightly, focusing on the message she wanted to send.

 _I'd love to._

"Very good. And you, Mr. Potter?"

James nodded, using his own coin to communicate a similar message.

"Welcome to the Order," Dumbledore said, smiling at them both. "I wish there was more time to celebrate, but I must inform the others of our plans. I'll look forward to seeing you again on Saturday night."

* * *

"Nervous?"

Lily shrugged. "We'll have the entire Order behind us, right?"

"Right, though I do want to tell you something."

"What's that?"

"I…" James hesitated, fidgeting awkwardly. "I love you, Lily. I just… wanted you to know that. You know, in case anything goes wrong."

"You _love_ me?"

She gazed up at him, touched. Those three words did wonders to soothe her insecurities, helped by all the extra attention he'd been giving her lately. What had changed? She couldn't say, though she was glad he'd stopped taking her for granted.

"Yeah, I do. Is that okay?"

"Of course it's okay. I love you, too."

He pulled her into his arms, lowering his mouth to hers. Even his kisses had gotten better, as passionate as they'd been at the beginning of their relationship. She couldn't believe how affectionate he'd been over the past few days, eager to hold her or sneak off for a good snogging session. If it never went any further? Well, she didn't mind. She loved the idea of waiting until marriage, even if her body didn't agree.

"Ready?"

"Ready as I'll ever be."

He nodded, wrapping his arms around her waist. The next thing she knew, they were standing in the middle of a deserted road, thickets of trees interspersed with sprawling farmland.

"Wow," he said. "This really is the middle of nowhere, isn't it?"

They didn't have any trouble finding the house. It was the only one nearby, a derelict thing with a roof that had partially collapsed. Lily stared at it in bewilderment, wondering how it could possibly contain Lord Voldemort and a horde of Death Eaters. It looked so small, though to be fair, appearances could be deceiving. If the magical world had taught her anything, it was definitely that.

"So what do we do?" she said. "Just go up there and knock, or…"

"Shh. Someone's coming."

A hooded figure separated itself from the shadows, gliding across the unkempt lawn. It came to a stop just a few feet away, speaking to them in a harsh whisper.

"Come."

"Where are we going?" said James.

"The Dark Lord wishes to see you."

"Here?" Lily questioned. "Or will you be taking us someplace else?"

"What does it matter? Come."

She hesitated, glancing up at James. Dumbledore had cautioned them against relocating, reminding them that there'd be no way for the Order to follow.

"Come on, Lily."

She followed the others inside, feeling even more uneasy as she inspected her surroundings. The house had clearly been abandoned for decades, ancient furniture covered by a thick layer of dust. Piles of fallen leaves were scattered across the floor, the doorways crisscrossed by cobwebs.

"He's not here," she said.

"No," the Death Eater agreed, offering her a heavily cloaked arm. "But I'll take you to him."

James chose that moment to send the signal. Lily felt the coin in her pocket grow warm, gasping as more than a dozen Order members burst into the house. Disarming the Death Eater, they put him in restraints, ripping off his mask to reveal a plain faced, ordinary looking wizard.

"Where is your master?"

"I'll never tell."

"No?" said Dumbledore. "Well, maybe a bit of Veritaserum will loosen your lips."

They exited the house with their captive, realizing they couldn't Disapparate from inside. Lily had just begun to turn on her heel when she heard a shout, her eyes widening as she spotted several hooded figures standing at the broken windows. She whipped out her wand, barely dodging a Stunner that flew past her head.

Where had they come from? She supposed it didn't matter. The Order was clearly at a disadvantage, their opponents shielded behind solid walls.

"Go," Dumbledore shouted, casting a massive Shield Charm. "Go!"

Lily did as she was told, firing off a round of spells before she ducked behind a tree. Hastily, she Disapparated, reappearing at Order headquarters.

"Where is he?" James said as he landed beside her. "The one we captured."

"Dead," Alice Longbottom said grimly. "You didn't see them strike him down?"

"You mean they…"

"Killed him on purpose? Of course. They couldn't take the risk of him revealing their secrets."

Lily shook her head. "That's awful."

"Indeed, it is," Dumbledore said. "Lord Voldemort might promise them protection, but he won't hesitate to dispose of them if it seems more convenient."

Despite everything, Lily couldn't help thinking about Severus. Was that the life he'd chosen, just a tool to be used and discarded at a madman's whim? She knew she shouldn't care, though deep down, she still hoped he'd chosen a different path.

Of course, that hope was probably futile. If the rumors were true, he'd received the Dark Mark before he'd left school. He might've even been part of the ambush that night, hooded and cloaked like the other Death Eaters. If so, had he seen her? _She_ hadn't worn any disguise, her red hair unmistakable beneath the moonlight. Had he attempted to curse her? Or had she been the one who'd unknowingly struck out against him? What if…

"All right, Lily?"

"I'm fine."

James nodded. "Let's go home and get some rest."

* * *

The rest of the summer flew by, followed by an autumn that seemed to disappear as soon as it arrived. Before Lily knew it, winter had settled in, cloaking the Potters' townhouse in freshly fallen snow. All the while, she and James worked for the Order, their lives filled with a newfound sense of purpose.

Perhaps it was strange, but she'd never been happier. She was finally doing something important, taking control of her life in a way she never had before. Granted, she often put that life at _risk_ , but wasn't that better than sitting on the sidelines? She'd much rather…

"Ready?"

She set down her hairbrush, smiling up at James. He also seemed happier these days, spending most of his nights at home rather than running off to the pub. Working for the Order had matured him in ways she'd never expected, revealing a side of him that was truly thoughtful and considerate. He never hesitated to tell her that he loved her, always surprising her with compliments and little gifts.

"Where are we going?"

He shook his head. "It's a surprise, remember?"

"I know, but…" She sighed, gesturing at her outfit. "Can you at least tell me if I'm dressed appropriately?"

"Hmmm, you might want to bring a coat. Wouldn't hurt to put on an extra sweater as well."

"Where are you taking me? Siberia?"

"Maybe."

Shaking her head, she put on the heaviest coat she owned. James wrapped a scarf around her neck, nodding in satisfaction as he led her down the stairs.

"Don't the two of you look nice!"

"Thank you," Lily said, smiling at Mrs. Potter. "Don't worry, we won't stay out too late."

"Oh, take all the time you need! I'm just so happy that…"

"Right," James said, clearing his throat rather pointedly. "We best get going."

As soon as they reached the front step, he wrapped her in his arms, Apparating them both to what she assumed was their destination.

"A cow pasture? Why on earth would you bring me to…"

"Don't worry," he said. "This is just the halfway point."

He drew her in a little closer, spinning in a slow circle. When she opened her eyes, the setting was much more familiar, making her smile as she spotted a row of twinkling lights in the distance.

"Hogsmeade!"

"Well, sort of. You'll see."

He led her across the field, her breath catching in her throat as she realized where he was taking her. She recognized the tree where they'd sat a little over a year ago, that lovely autumn day when he'd kissed her for the first time. Even in winter, it was a place she'd never forget, her stomach filling with butterflies as he sat down beside her.

"I was going to take you to some fancy restaurant," he said. "Or maybe even do this at home. But… well, I guess it made more sense to bring you here."

"Do what?" She stared at him, confused.

" _This_."

Kneeling at her feet, he withdrew a tiny box from the inside of his coat. He flipped it open, revealing an impressively large diamond.

"Lily Evans…" he said softly. "Will you marry me?"

Oddly enough, she couldn't help noticing that his face was cloaked in shadow. Even his eyes were obscured, his glasses fogged up from the frigid night air. For a fleeting moment, she felt like she was looking at a stranger, an unpleasant shiver skittering up her spine.

But of course, that had nothing to do with fear. It was the cold that made her tremble, the eerie landscape giving her an odd sense of foreboding. It couldn't be James, a boy she knew as well as she knew herself.

A boy who loved her.

Was she ready to get married? She supposed it didn't matter. They were in the middle of a war, after all, which meant there were no guarantees. Why insist on waiting a few more years when even tomorrow might be too late?

"Lily?"

She reached out to touch his face, wondering how she could've ever thought of it as mysterious. The contours were intimately familiar, her thumb tracing the curve of his cheek as she brought her lips to his ear.

"Yes."


	5. Impasse

**Impasse**

* * *

Lily had expected to be engaged for months, perhaps even a year before she married James. To her surprise, he insisted on doing it in a matter of weeks, choosing her 19th birthday as their wedding date.

"James, that's less than a month away."

"I know, but what's the point in waiting?"

As usual, he'd gotten his way, though Lily didn't mind. She was too excited about the upcoming wedding, spending most of her time sending out invitations or choosing flower arrangements. James's parents were sparing no expense, even purchasing a flat for them to live in after they married.

"Isn't it great?" James said as he showed it to her for the first time. "Just like real grown-ups."

"Well, one of us, at least."

"Hey!"

She giggled, ducking into the next room to try on her wedding dress. It fit her perfectly, cascades of white lace swirling around delicate ivory satin. She'd never looked more beautiful… would James think so, too? She couldn't wait to see his reaction.

"Lily?"

"Yeah?" Hastily, she slipped out of the dress, stuffing it back in the closet.

"I was thinking we'd go out tonight."

"Really? Where are you taking me?"

"Oh, sorry." He hesitated, sounding embarrassed. "I meant me and Sirius. Thought we'd meet up with Remus and Peter."

"Bachelor party?"

"Yeah, something like that."

She forced herself to smile, wishing she had friends of her own to meet up with. Then again, she still had a lot of preparations to make. James wasn't particularly helpful when it came to wedding stuff.

"That sounds like fun," she said. "Just make sure you're back in time for the wedding, all right?"

"I'll do my best."

She waited for him to leave before she gathered her things, heading back over to his parents' house. There was no need to Apparate – they only lived four doors down, part of a neat row of townhouses on a blissfully quiet street.

"Come in, dear, come in! You must be freezing!"

She followed Mrs. Potter into the kitchen, smiling as she accepted a cup of tea.

"Thank you."

"Oh, it's no trouble. No trouble at all. We're just so pleased that you decided to join our family."

"I am, too."

"And of course, you'll be starting a family of your own soon enough. Fleamont and I can't wait to meet our first grandchild."

She sputtered, nearly choking on her tea. "Um, we haven't really talked about…"

"Babies?"

"Or even just _one_ baby. I know we're about to be married, but we're awfully young. Besides, we're quite busy the Order these days."

"Oh, I know, dear." Mrs. Potter reached over to pat her hand. "But there's nothing more important than starting a family. I would've happily done it at your age if I'd had the option."

"I know, but… well, we still have plenty of time."

"Yes, one would hope so, though there are no guarantees."

Of course, Lily knew James had been born late in his parents' lives. They were in their 70s now, perhaps even their 80s – their eagerness to have a grandchild was understandable. Still, she couldn't help feeling pressured, wishing Mrs. Potter would ease off a bit. It was _her_ body, after all, not to mention her life that would drastically change.

"I'll talk to James," she said. "Maybe we'll be ready in a year or two."

"Well, there's nothing wrong with letting these things happen naturally. Relax and let nature take care of it, eh?"

She squirmed in her seat, desperate for a change of subject. Of course, she wanted to have children _someday_ , but at 19? She still felt like a child herself, not sure how to handle her own life let alone anyone else's.

"Anyway, enough of that," Mrs. Potter said. "Why don't we check the flower arrangements?"

"That's a wonderful idea."

* * *

James had never looked more handsome, clad in the finest dress robes Lily had ever seen. He stood in the Potters' drawing room with Sirius at his side, his face breaking into a grin as he spotted her walking toward him.

"Ready?" he said, taking her hand as she drew near. She nodded, feeling a little faint as they turned to face the Ministry official.

"Is it your wish to join yourselves in matrimony?"

"It is," they said in unison.

The rest of the ceremony was a blur, for all that she tried to remember every second. She repeated vows, listening to James do the same as he slipped a ring on her finger. The next thing she knew, they were kissing, people pressing in on all sides as they offered their congratulations.

"Allow me to present James and Lily Potter!"

Somehow, it didn't seem real. Yet there was no denying she was married now, band of gold glinting beneath the candlelight as she lifted a hand to adjust her veil.

"How does it feel?" Remus asked her.

"Honestly? I have no idea."

It wasn't the most appropriate response, but no one seemed to care. The wine was already flowing freely, gifts piling up on the table as James led her to her seat. He sat down beside her, slicing them both a piece of cake.

"Happy?"

"Yes," she said. "Just a bit overwhelmed. I had no idea there'd be this many people."

"Friends of my parents, mostly. They'll be leaving soon."

He was right, she realized. The older witches and wizards began to depart, offering their best wishes on their way out the door. James's parents weren't far behind, kissing them both on the cheek before they headed upstairs.

Clearly, this was the opportunity Sirius had been waiting for. He got to his feet, swaying slightly as he cast a _Muffliato_.

"Here's to Prongs!" he shouted, raising his glass in the air. "Perfect nickname, wouldn't you say? Horniest bloke I've ever known, truly."

 _Horny?_ She did her best to hide her confusion, pretending to laugh along with the others.

"And Lily, sweet, beautiful Lily, who's chosen to saddle herself to a rutting stag for the rest of her life. Let's hope she can handle him, eh?"

Wasn't James supposed to be a _virgin?_ How would Sirius know…

Lily shook her head, choosing not to dwell on it. Sirius was probably talking out of his ass – he _was_ quite drunk.

"James?"

"Yeah?" He turned to face her, still laughing at Sirius's toast.

"It's almost 9 PM. Will you be ready to go soon?"

"Sure. Just a couple more toasts, all right?"

"Okay."

By 10 PM, she was starting to get annoyed. James's parents had gone upstairs more than an hour ago, the older guests having long since departed. It was just James and his friends now, laughing uproariously as they guzzled countless bottles of wine.

Perhaps it would've been easier if she'd had friends of her own to invite. As it was, even Petunia had refused to come, saying she couldn't condone Lily's poor choice of a husband. Not that she had any right to talk in that regard, but still…

Still, it was terrible to feel out of place at her own wedding reception, utterly forgotten as the others celebrated without her. She'd never felt more lonely, wanting nothing more than to go home and crawl into bed.

"James? _James!_ "

"What? Oh, sorry, must've forgotten the time. One more toast, I _swear_ …"

"Don't worry about it," she said as she got to her feet. "Just meet me back at the flat, all right?"

He nodded. "Be there shortly."

Slowly, she walked home, resisting the urge to cry. As pathetic as she felt, she didn't want to ruin her makeup, refusing to undress as she trudged into the bedroom. Despite everything, she still wanted to look beautiful for him, wanted _him_ to be the one who undressed her. She'd been fantasizing about it for weeks, imagining his fingers unfastening the pearl buttons at her throat before he drew the dress down over her shoulders.

But that wasn't all. She'd even transfigured lingerie for him, too self-conscious to purchase anything so revealing at a shop. It was hidden beneath her wedding dress, pale pink and practically transparent, quite flattering in the way it clung to her curves. This morning, she couldn't _wait_ for him to see it, but now…

She waited another hour before she took off her wedding dress. 30 more minutes and she got rid of the lingerie as well, stuffing it in the trash bin. She put on a warm flannel nightgown, deciding she wasn't going to freeze her tits off for someone who wasn't even there.

As the clock struck 1 AM, she cried herself to sleep, no longer giving a damn about smeared makeup.

* * *

"Lily?"

"James?" She sat up in bed, squinting at the clock. "Bloody hell, it's 4 AM!"

"I know," he said as he dropped onto the mattress beside her. "I'm sorry."

"Sorry? _That's_ all you have to say?"

"Look. I got carried away, all right? I'll make it up to you."

" _How?!_ It's not like we're ever going to have another wedding night!"

"I know," he whispered, "but this one isn't over yet."

"You still want to…"

"Sure," he said, taking off his dress robes before he crawled into bed. "I mean, unless you'd rather wait."

"I'm tired of waiting. Let's just get it over with."

"Okay."

She didn't know how to react, trying not to cringe as he slipped a hand inside her nightgown. This was hardly the wedding night she'd imagined, her husband reeking of alcohol, breathing heavily against her neck as he fumbled with her breasts. After a minute, he pulled away, lying on his back as he unzipped his trousers.

"Should I take my nightgown off?"

"No, leave it on. Just… hold on a minute, all right?"

She frowned, sliding her thumbs beneath the waistband of her underwear. "Shouldn't I at least…"

"Shhh. Let me focus."

Only then did she realize what he was doing, his hand pumping furiously as he let out a series of frustrated grunts.

"James, are you having trouble getting…"

"Hard? Yeah, just a bit. If you'll give me a minute…"

Was this what sex was supposed to be like? She stared at him in bewilderment, listening to him curse under his breath as he jerked himself a little faster.

"Lily," he said, panting so hard he could barely get the words out. "Take your knickers off."

She slid her underwear down over her legs, gasping as he rolled on top of her. He pushed her nightgown up around her waist, urging her thighs apart as he shifted into position.

It wasn't going to work. She knew that much, despite her lack of experience. He wasn't hard enough for penetration, probing against her uselessly as he attempted to gain entry.

"James, stop."

He pulled away, unable to hide the relief in his expression as he flopped down on the other side of the bed.

"I'm sorry," he said after a moment. "Must be the alcohol."

"Yeah." She hesitated, letting out a heavy sigh. "Why don't we try to get some sleep?"

* * *

Mrs. Potter opened the door, breaking into a huge smile as she spotted Lily on the porch. She ushered her inside, humming to herself as she prepared a tray of tea and biscuits.

"Nice to see you, dear," she said as she sat down. "Did you enjoy yourself last night?"

"I… it wasn't what I'd expected."

"No? Well, you must've enjoyed the ceremony. It really was quite lovely."

Lily nodded.

"As for the intercourse…"

Clearly, she'd chosen the worst possible moment to take a bite of biscuit. She nearly choked, sputtering as she reached for her tea.

"Oh, no need to be embarrassed. There's nothing wrong with talking about these things."

"With my _mother-in-law?_ "

Mrs. Potter chuckled. "I'm not asking for any details, I assure you. I just wanted you to know that it gets easier."

"Really? How so?"

"The first time can be uncomfortable, perhaps even unpleasant. If that was the case with you…"

"Uncomfortable," Lily repeated. "Yeah, you might say that."

Mrs. Potter nodded. "That's perfectly normal. Once he calms down, learns how to be a little less eager, it'll be much more enjoyable for you."

 _Eager?_ Lily wouldn't have minded if James had been eager. What bothered her was his _lack_ of desire, which she couldn't blame on the alcohol. He would've been sober when he'd woken up that morning, after all, yet he'd made no attempt to try again. He'd snuck out while she was still asleep, leaving a hastily scrawled note on the pillow.

 _Gone to practice Quidditch. I'll be back later tonight._

Maybe he was embarrassed? That didn't seem likely, though she was still trying to give him the benefit of the doubt. They'd been married for less than 24 hours – wasn't it a little soon to assume the worst?

"I need to get going," she told Mrs. Potter. "I'm planning to cook dinner, then maybe James and I can have a quiet night together."

"That's a lovely idea."

* * *

Lily spent all day in the kitchen, using the recipe Mrs. Potter had given her to make James's favorite pot roast. She prepared buttered potatoes crusted with herbs as a side dish, baking a loaf of bread along with a lemon meringue pie.

By the time she'd finished, the sun had just begun to set. She cast a Stasis Charm on the food, cleaning the flat from top to bottom before she lit the sconces on the walls. She even used her wedding flowers to make a lovely centerpiece, setting it in the middle of the table.

Finally, she went upstairs to take a bath, anticipating the night to come.

"Lily?"

"I'll be down in a minute!"

Hastily, she slipped into a flattering black dress, running a brush through her hair. She put on a bit of lip gloss along with a touch of perfume, smiling as she headed downstairs.

"Hey Lily. You don't mind if Sirius joins us, do you?"

Both of them were already seated at the table, devouring the pot roast she'd worked so hard to make.

"James, that was for the two of us."

"I know, but there's plenty to go around."

"That isn't the point."

"Hey, I can go ahead and take off." Sirius paused, swallowing a mouthful of bread. "Wouldn't want to get in the way."

Lily nodded. "I really _was_ hoping…"

"Don't be absurd!" James interrupted. "My home is your home, remember? You're always welcome here."

" _Our_ home," she corrected, though neither of them heard her. They didn't even notice when she left the room, the sound of their laughter echoing in her ears as she stomped up the stairs.

It was the middle of the night when James finally fell into bed beside her. He mumbled some sort of apology, though she didn't respond, waiting to see what he'd do next. Would he try to kiss her, touch her, do _any_ of the things that a husband was supposed to do?

Apparently not. He stayed on the other side of the bed, letting out a soft snore as her eyes filled with tears.

* * *

The next morning, Lily came to a conclusion. If James wasn't going to put any effort into their marriage, then she wouldn't either. If he wanted things to improve? Well, it was _his_ turn to try and make that happen.

"Mind if I go out for a bit?"

She shrugged. "Do whatever you want."

Of course, he didn't bother to kiss her before he left. He hadn't done that since the wedding, had barely even touched her aside from his botched attempt to consummate their marriage. What had changed between them?

Before the wedding, he'd been attentive and affectionate. He'd gone out of his way to tell her how much he loved her, how beautiful she was, claiming he couldn't wait to sleep with her. Clearly, that wasn't the case, so why had he proposed? It couldn't have been for money or power or status, didn't have anything to do with family connections or marrying into the right bloodlines. She had nothing to offer other than herself.

His behavior continued to baffle her as the weeks passed. He only grew more distant, until finally, she couldn't take it anymore.

"We need to talk."

"Lily, I have to go. Told Sirius I'd meet him at…"

"Oh, bugger Sirius! The last time I checked, he wasn't your wife."

James sighed, closing the door before he sat down on the couch. "Okay," he said. "What's wrong?"

She shook her head. "The fact that you even have to _ask_ …"

"Look, I know I've been preoccupied lately…"

" _Preoccupied?!_ James, you haven't kissed me since the wedding! You barely talk to me anymore, you…" She trailed off, dropping onto the couch beside him. "I just want to know what changed."

"Nothing's changed! I've just been busy."

"Too busy to consummate your marriage?"

"I'm going to, all right? I just haven't…"

"Haven't gotten around to it? James, it's been _two months!_ Why the bloody hell did you marry me if you didn't want to…"

"I do!"

"Oh yeah? Prove it. Go on then, take off your trousers. We'll do it right here on the couch."

He shook his head. "That isn't the way to…"

"Then what will it take?"

"I don't know, okay? You're kind of putting me on the spot here."

" _Putting you on the spot?_ You've had _months_ …" She trailed off, shaking her head. "Look, I don't want to be married to a man who has no interest in sleeping with me. If that's the case, just go ahead and say so. We can always get an annulment."

"An annulment?" To her surprise, he looked appalled by the suggestion. "We can't!"

"Sure we can. All we need is proof that the marriage hasn't been consummated. Any certified healer can take care of that."

"I don't want an annulment," James said. "I want…"

Before she realized what was happening, he was kissing her, reaching down to unzip his fly. She was too shocked to resist, gasping as he pushed her back against the cushions. He slid a hand under her skirt, using the other to stroke himself.

"Wait," she said, realizing he wasn't erect.

The truth was, she no longer wanted to have sex for its own sake. She didn't care about passion or pleasure, was even a little repulsed as she knelt between his thighs, drawing him into her mouth. But she did it anyway, desperate to prove that her marriage wasn't a sham.

Of course, she had no idea what she was doing. She slid her lips up and down, remembering bits of gossip she'd heard from more experienced girls as she teased him with the tip of her tongue.

To her surprise, it worked. She felt him growing bigger, shocked when she realized he was fully hard. He started to moan, his hands gripping her head almost painfully as he thrusted into her mouth.

Could this be the answer? Maybe he _had_ been embarrassed on their wedding night, distancing himself out of fear that it would happen again. Maybe his difficulties were just some minor physical quirk, one that could easily be solved by what she was doing now. If she could just…

"Sirius…"

" _What did you say?_ "

His eyes snapped open, his expression bewildered. "I didn't say anything."

"Yes, you did! You were calling for Sirius!"

"I… I wasn't _calling_ for him! I just… I was just going to mention that he's waiting for me. Changed my mind, didn't want to spoil the mood."

"Yeah?" she shot back, gesturing at his deflating erection. "Too late for that."

"I'm sorry, all right? If you want to try again…"

"Forget it."

"Honestly, I really _was_ enjoying…"

Trailing off, he looked up as an owl swooped in through the window. It dropped a scroll on the table, tapping its claws impatiently. Lily fed it a couple treats, sending it on its way before she turned back to James.

"What's wrong?"

His face had gone pale, his hands shaking as he set down the message.

"Dad has Dragon Pox," he said quietly. "Mum's taken him to St Mungo's."

* * *

Despite their best efforts, the healers couldn't save Mr. Potter. He succumbed to the disease just a few hours after James and Lily arrived at the hospital, whispering a final goodbye to his wife and son.

"Honestly," Mrs. Potter said as she sniffled into her handkerchief. "I don't know what I'm going to do without him."

Lily nodded, putting an arm around her shoulders. "We'll do everything we can to help you. I'm so sorry…"

She trailed off as Mrs. Potter sneezed, her eyes widening as the square of fabric caught fire. The older woman's skin suddenly took on a green tinge, a flurry of bumps appearing on her cheeks and forehead.

"Please, we need a healer!"

Mrs. Potter managed to hold on for several days, though unfortunately, it was only a matter of time. Like her husband, she was too old and frail to fight off such an invasive iillness.

"Can you step outside for a minute?" she asked James. "I need to speak with Lily."

Lily sat beside her, reaching over to take her hand.

"I… I need you to do something for me."

"What is it?"

"Give him a child."

Lily hesitated. "I'm really not sure…"

"Please, just one child," Mrs. Potter whispered. "Otherwise, the Potter name dies with him. My fault. I should've never…"

" _Your_ fault?"

"Marrying another Pureblood. I should've known better."

Of course, that explained why Mrs. Potter had been so accepting, why she'd been so eager for their wedding to take place. She must've been thrilled that James was marrying a Muggleborn, assuming that would increase his chances of reproducing. An entire brood of healthy grandchildren… that would've alleviated her guilt, something she'd obviously been living with for much of her life.

Lily couldn't blame her for that, though it did lead to other, more distressing thoughts. Was _this_ why James had married her? Had his mother pressured him into it? She didn't want to think so, yet…

"A child," Mrs. Potter whispered as her breathing grew more labored. "Please…"

"I… I promise."

"And take… take care of my James."

"I will."

* * *

Thankfully, neither James or Lily contracted Dragon Pox. She arranged the funerals while he found a buyer for their flat, insisting he wanted to move back home.

She couldn't bring herself to argue, knowing what it was like to lose both parents. Unfortunately, moving back into the Potters' home only made matters worse. He shut himself up in his old bedroom, refusing to come out for days or even weeks at a time. On the rare occasions she saw him, he was red eyed and reeking of wine, his clothes filthy.

"All right, Lils?"

She sighed, shaking her head at Sirius. "Is he _ever_ going to come out?"

"Oh, sure. He just needs a little time."

"He's _had_ time! It's been two months!"

"To be fair, he's doing much better than he was a month ago."

"Yeah, well, I wouldn't know. I haven't seen him since…" She trailed off, realizing that she couldn't even remember. Had it been two weeks ago? Three?

"He likes to be alone when he's feeling down. I wouldn't take it personally."

" _Alone?_ Then why is he always letting _you_ come in there?"

Sirius hesitated. "That's different."

"How so?"

"I'm his best friend."

"And I'm his _wife!_ Don't you think…"

"Padfoot?" called a voice from above. "You coming up?"

"Yeah, mate, I'll be right there!" Sirius turned back to Lily, patting her on the shoulder. "He can be a pain in the arse. No one knows that better than I do, believe me. Just… bear with him, all right? I'll see what I can do to get him out of there."

She didn't respond, sighing heavily as he bounded upstairs.

* * *

 _A handful of Death Eaters are rumored to be meeting at a specific location this evening. South London, Muggle pub by the name of Hopkins' Hops and Barley. Will either of you be available?_

 _I can come_ , Lily responded, using the enchanted piece of parchment she'd been given. _What time?_

 _9 PM. We'll be in the alley behind the pub._

She stepped outside at 8:45 PM, hardly able to contain her excitement. It had been months since she'd worked for the Order, weeks since she'd even left the house. Really, she should ask Dumbledore to give her assignments a little more often. He'd been leaving them alone out of respect for James's loss, but she wasn't her husband, was she? Why should she have to put her own life on hold?

Her destination was easy to find. She arrived a few minutes early, pacing up and down the alley as she waited for the others. Finally, she forced herself to stop, squinting into the shadows. Surely they'd arrive soon? It seemed strange that none of them were here yet.

She waited 10 more minutes before she pulled the slip of parchment out of her pocket. Igniting the tip of her wand, she muttered a spell, revealing the last message she'd received.

"Buggering hell."

9 PM? She was supposed to be here at _7 PM_ , Of course, the sloppy handwriting made it nearly impossible to tell the difference.

Sighing, she tucked the message away as she turned to leave. She'd barely made it two steps when a figure slipped into the alley, the light from her wand illuminating the contours of his mask. Slowly, he walked toward her, panic rising in her throat as he approached. She gasped, firing off a quick Stunner.

He deflected it effortlessly, though he didn't attempt to strike back. Instead, he lowered his wand, his voice barely above a whisper.

"Lily?"

" _Severus?!_ "


	6. Catalyst

**Catalyst**

* * *

Lily froze, unable to move or speak. She watched Severus remove his mask, nearly forgetting the wand in her hand as his eyes met hers.

"Are you going to kill me?" he said quietly.

Kill. That one word brought home the reality of her situation, reminding her that this wasn't the Severus she'd known. This was a Death Eater, a stranger who'd chosen to be her enemy. True, he hadn't attempted to curse her yet, but that didn't mean his intentions were good.

"Kill you?" she echoed. "Give me one reason why I shouldn't."

He hesitated, lowering his eyes. "I have no reasons to give you. Not anymore."

"So you're saying you'd let me…" She shook her head. "This is a trap."

"It's not a trap."

"Yeah? Prove it."

"How?" he said. "Tell me what to do and I'll do it."

"Give me your wand."

To her surprise, he stepped forward, placing his wand at her feet. She bent down to pick it up, aiming her own wand directly at his chest.

"Foolish move, Severus."

"Perhaps." He shrugged. "Or perhaps it doesn't matter."

She frowned. "What do you mean?"

"I mean it doesn't matter if I have a wand. It's not like I'd use it against you."

"But you can't defend yourself either," she pointed out. "What's to stop me from cursing you into oblivion?"

He inclined his head. "Do what you must."

" _Avada…_ "

He made no attempt to move. He didn't even flinch. Instead, he just stood there quietly, his eyes fixed on hers as he waited for her to kill him.

"Are you _suicidal?_ "

"No."

"Then why…"

"Because I knew you wouldn't do it."

"Oh yeah?" She narrowed her eyes. "If you think I don't have the guts…"

"I knew you wouldn't do it," he repeated, "because I know you. You might be a good fighter, but I don't believe you could take anyone's life unless you had no other choice. Killing someone who has no means of defending himself? That's not in your nature."

"No," she agreed. "I'm not a Death Eater."

Her words accomplished what her wand couldn't do. He flinched, turning his face away.

"Whatever I've done…"

"Why?" she interrupted, her voice trembling. "Why did you do it, Severus? I knew you were thinking about joining him, but I always thought… well, I suppose _hoped_ is a better word. I hoped you'd turn back before it was too late, that you'd realize…"

"I couldn't see it. Not at the time. Now I…"

He trailed off, his eyes narrowing. Before she could stop him, he snatched his wand out of her hand, pointing it directly at her face.

"Sev…"

"Shhh!"

She gasped, feeling the distinct trickle of a Disillusionment Charm. With that, he covered his face, turning to greet the hooded figure who'd just appeared at the other end of the alley.

"What's going on?" called the unknown Death Eater.

"Just taking a piss," he replied, his voice casual. "Let's go."

* * *

Lily had assumed Severus would be dead to her if he ever joined the Death Eaters. Perhaps that was why she'd chosen to let him go, unable to see how the boy she'd known could also be a follower of Voldemort. She'd never imagined him as both those things, his face, his voice, even the look in his eyes still painfully familiar beneath that hideous mask.

He could've killed her. She knew that now. There'd never been a second when he hadn't had the advantage, even when he'd surrendered his wand. He could've taken it back in the blink of an eye, something he'd proven when he'd cast the Disillusionment Charm.

He could've killed her, yet he'd protected her instead. Why?

 _"I couldn't see it. Not at the time. Now I…"_

If they hadn't been interrupted, what would he have said? Would he have admitted that joining the Death Eaters had been a mistake? She wanted to think so, though she was hesitant to make any assumptions. He still wore the mask, after all, which meant… honestly, she didn't know _what_ it meant.

"Hey, Lils."

She nodded at Sirius, passing him a plate as he joined her at the table. A couple seconds later, James entered the kitchen, settling himself in a chair before he helped himself to some chicken.

"Looks great," he said. "Thanks."

She didn't know what Sirius had done, but somehow, he'd gotten through to her husband. James had emerged from his parents' room, easing back into their normal routine. To her relief, he'd resumed bathing, too, ridding himself of the stench of stale alcohol.

"Going out tonight?"

James nodded. "Not sure how long we'll be, but…"

"I won't wait up."

There was no bitterness in her voice when she said it. Somehow, she'd gotten past all that, forced to accept that James was incapable of acting like a proper husband. Really, what was the point in trying anymore?

She waited for them to leave before she headed upstairs, filling the tub with warm, sudsy water. Lighting a couple candles, she slipped into the bath, glad to have the house to herself.

Of course, that didn't mean she wasn't lonely. It hit her hardest late at night, lying in a bed that was much too big for one person. Night after night, she'd cling to her pillow, wishing she had someone there beside her.

 _Someone_ , yes, but who? She knew it wasn't James she wanted. Her feelings toward him had changed, her attraction destroyed by long months of neglect. Why should she care if he didn't kiss her, didn't touch her, didn't bother to share her bed? These days, she didn't want those things either.

What she _did_ want? Answers. She needed to know why he'd pretended to be something he wasn't, convincing her to marry him under false pretenses. That was the part that still hurt, a betrayal of trust she didn't know how to forgive.

Why had he done it? She suspected it had something to do with his mother, though she hadn't wanted to confront him while he was grieving. In the meantime, she'd had no choice but to accept their odd arrangement, a wife who was treated like some sort of casual acquaintance.

That wasn't what she'd signed up for. James knew that as well as she did, though he didn't seem to care. Really, it was no different than he'd treated her in their younger years. He'd been determined to get what he'd wanted, even if that meant using her feelings against her.

 _"Go out with me, and I'll never lay a wand on old Snivelly again."_

She sighed, casting a Drying Charm on herself before she put on a light nightgown. Yes, she wanted answers, but she wouldn't be getting them tonight. There was nothing to do but crawl into an empty bed, arms wrapped tightly around her pillow as she drifted off to sleep.

* * *

Lily sat up, trying to figure out what had woken her. She waited a few seconds before she heard it again, a distinct moaning sound that seemed to be coming from across the hall.

"Bloody hell!"

The words were muffled, but there was no mistaking the strain in James's voice. He shouted again, the words unintelligible, taking several breaths that sounded more like sobs. A nightmare? Or something worse?

Grabbing her wand, she slipped out of bed, stepping out into the hallway. His cries had only gotten louder, accompanied by a strange, rhythmic sound. Was he punching the _wall?_ Why on earth would he…

"James?" she whispered, opening the door a crack.

Her husband was on his hands and knees, his naked skin sheened with sweat as he rocked back and forth. Even the bed was moving, headboard hitting the wall with each of Sirius's swift, pounding thrusts.

"What the hell?" she muttered, though neither of them heard her. She stood there frozen, pressing a hand to her mouth as Sirius flipped James onto his back.

"More," James insisted, groaning loudly as Sirius penetrated him again. He reached down to stroke himself, his other hand clawing at the bed sheets.

"You…" Sirius said, each word punctuated by a thrust, "are… insatiable…"

The wedding toast… what had he said?

" _Horniest bloke I've ever known, truly._ "

It hadn't made sense at the time, but _now_ …

Somehow, Lily remembered how to move. She pulled the door closed, retreating to her room as the pounding noises grew more urgent. Finally, James howled, followed by a grunt from Sirius, plunging the house into silence.

Why hadn't she seen it? She shook her head, struggling to come to terms with what should've been obvious all along. James fancied boys. Not just boys, but Sirius in particular. _That_ was why he'd insisted on waiting until their wedding night, why he'd been unable to consummate their marriage. She wasn't, nor had she _ever_ been, what he'd wanted.

"I'm such an idiot," she whispered, her eyes filling with tears.

The more she thought about it, the more stupid she felt. Sirius had _always_ been more important than her in James's eyes, his excuse for so many things in their relationship. Why hadn't she seen it? Why hadn't she realized…

Because he'd gone out of his way to deceive her.

That was the cold, hard truth, one she could no longer ignore. He'd been lying to her since that first kiss, adapting his behavior to make him seem like a perfect boyfriend. He'd dismissed her doubts, blown through all her reservations, wearing her down until she'd agreed to become his wife.

But _why_ had he done it? That was the question that haunted her, even more so than it had before. She wanted to storm back across the hall and demand answers, but it was just too humiliating, too painful, too much for her to deal with at this particular moment. She laid back down instead, tears soaking the pillow as she wondered how she could've been so blind.

" _He's deceiving you, Lily. He's manipulating you and you can't even see it._ "

Severus.

He'd tried to warn her. That night she'd confronted him in the hall, furious over James's injuries…

 _"You ambushed him!"_

 _"Is that what he told you? Well, I'm afraid it was the other way around."_

Had he been lying? She'd thought so at the time, but now…

 _"Why don't you just apologize? I know you don't like James, but what you did was wrong. Can't you see that?"_

 _"I didn't do anything wrong! He's the one who started it."_

True, James had sworn he'd leave Severus alone, but had he really gone from one extreme to another? That didn't seem likely. In fact, the more she thought about it, the more it seemed like the opposite might be true. He'd always taken delight in humiliating Severus, hurting him, taunting him with cruel insults and mocking laughter. Why would he have stopped, knowing he could fool everyone into believing that Severus was at fault?

" _Leave him alone_ ," she heard herself say, remembering that day at the lake. " _What's he done to you?_ "

 _"Well, it's more the fact that he_ exists, _if you know what I mean…"_

Severus hadn't been the aggressor that day. He'd been the victim, just as he had in so many other situations. Wasn't that why she'd asked James to leave him alone? The bullying had come from the Marauders more often than not, almost always with an unfair advantage. Severus without a wand, lying there defenseless, unable to move…

" _LEAVE HIM ALONE!_ "

For the first time, she skipped over the memory of Severus calling her that awful name. Instead, she remembered his expression, fury and humiliation mingled with pain.

" _Who wants to see me take off Snivelly's pants?_ "

She'd been walking away at that point, so upset that she hadn't bothered to look back over her shoulder. At the time, she'd assumed it was just an empty threat, but now…

"Shit."

Suddenly, a different memory flashed through her mind, one that had taken place almost two years later. She saw Severus lying naked in the hallway, reeking of urine as he'd shivered in the chilly morning air.

 _"I don't know who did it. I never saw them."_

He must've known who the culprit was, yet he'd chosen to keep that information to himself. Obviously, he hadn't expected anyone to believe him, even in a situation where he couldn't have been mistaken for anything other than a victim.

Why the bloody hell hadn't she _seen_ it? How could she have been so blind?

Wiping her eyes, she lifted her wand, twirling it in a familiar motion. She whispered a message to her Patronus, watching it disappear before she got up to dress.

* * *

Severus shot up in bed, his eyes widening as he spotted the doe. She opened her mouth to speak, Lily's sweet, unmistakable voice echoing off the bedroom walls.

" _Severus? I was hoping we could talk._ "

"Where?"

" _That place we stayed when we were 10. Do you remember it?_ "

He nodded, picturing the cottage where Lily's parents had taken them on a brief summer holiday. That had been one of the happiest times of his life, a memory he often drew upon when conjuring his own Patronus.

"I remember," he said quietly. "When?"

" _Now._ "

It was well past 2 AM, but what did that matter? He got up and dressed, his heart pounding as he Apparated to the cottage by the seaside. She couldn't have picked a better spot – the tiny village was far removed from the Wizarding world, practically invisible to anyone who wasn't familiar with the location.

"Severus," she said, her voice barely above a whisper as she opened the door. "I was hoping you'd come."

"Did you imagine I'd refuse?"

"No, but you might've been…"

"I wasn't working for him, if that's what you're suggesting. I was at home asleep."

"I'm sorry I woke you."

He shrugged. "I'm not."

Clearly, she'd been there for a while. She'd removed the covers from the furniture, clearing the dust that must've covered the floor. There wasn't much in the way of lighting, but she'd conjured a handful of candles, placing them around the room.

"Do you think it's safe?"

"Safe enough," he said as he joined her on the couch. "Who would think to look for us here?"

She didn't respond, staring at some distant point beyond him. Only then did he realize that she'd been crying, her eyes red rimmed and puffy.

"Severus, I… I wanted to apologize."

"Apologize?" He frowned. "For what?"

"For not listening to you. You were right about James, you tried to tell me…"

"What did he do?"

She shook her head. "Let's just say he isn't the person I thought he was."

"Yes, well…" He hesitated, biting back a sharp retort. "Potter fooled a lot of people. I wouldn't blame yourself for that."

"What he did to you…"

"It doesn't matter now."

"It does." She reached for his hand, her eyes filling with tears. "Please, Severus. I've been lied to so much that I… I don't know what to believe anymore. I need to know the truth, need _someone_ to tell me…"

"Very well," he interrupted. "What would you like to know?"

"That day in the woods… what really happened?"

He shook his head, letting out a heavy sigh. "I was foolish enough to go off on my own. They followed me, caught me unawares. I challenged Potter to a duel, but when it became clear that I was winning…"

"They ganged up on you?"

"Of course they did. I managed to fend them off for a little while, but eventually, I was knocked unconscious. When I woke up, my injuries were… extensive. I was unable to Hogwarts until I'd recuperated."

"So you _did_ heal yourself."

He shrugged. "That wasn't the first time I had to do so. Nor the last, for that matter."

"Unbelievable."

Lily's voice was laced with anger, though to his relief, it wasn't directed at him. What had happened since the last time he'd seen her? Something to do with Potter, obviously, though he wouldn't allow himself to imagine what that was. This conversation was going far better than he'd expected – he didn't want to spoil it by threatening to murder her husband.

"I _asked_ James to leave you alone. He _promised_ …"

"He lied. Hardly a day went by when I wasn't hexed, particularly during our final year. They stalked me through the halls, used some sort of tracking device to catch me unawares. They…"

"They stripped off your clothes. Left you lying there Petrified. They…" Lily hesitated, shaking her head. "They peed on you, didn't they?"

Severus flinched, refusing to meet her eyes.

"And you didn't tell because…"

"You already know the answer to that."

"Because you assumed that no one would believe you?"

"I didn't _assume_ ," he said, struggling to keep the bitterness out of his voice. "I knew."

"You could've at least tried. You could've…"

"I was _sick_ of trying! Can't you understand that? When that happened… that was _two years_ after Black nearly got me killed, only to be let off with a warning. A bloody _warning!_ Dumbledore never stopped excusing their actions, McGonagall wouldn't even hear me out. They always assumed the worst of me, refusing to believe that their precious Gryffindors could _possibly_ be at fault. Even you… what was I supposed to do? There was no one I could turn to, no one…"

"No one," she said quietly, "except You-Know-Who."

"Yes."

"Oh, Severus…"

He shook his head. "Don't feel sorry for me, Lily. Don't excuse my actions. I've done terrible things, I…"

"Did you _want_ to do them?"

Hesitating, he thought about the Muggle family he'd killed last week. As usual, he'd had no choice but to put them out of their misery, bringing an end to the torture they'd been forced to endure.

"No," he said. "No, I did not. I thought… I didn't realize…"

"You must've heard the rumors."

"Yes, but I didn't want to believe them. All I saw was…"

"What you _wanted_ to see," she finished for him.

"Yes."

"Just like I did with James."

He nodded. "We've both learned a great deal about deception, it seems."

"I wish… I wish we would've listened to each other. I can't help thinking about how different our lives would be if…" She trailed off, covering her face with her hands.

Not knowing what else to do, he pulled her into his arms, stroking her hair with the tips of his fingers. She didn't resist, something twisting deep inside him as she buried her face in his neck.

"It's all right," he said, his voice low. "Truly, this is my fault. I shouldn't have…"

"Severus?" she whispered, lifting her head to look at him. She'd never seemed more vulnerable to him than she did in that moment, tear filled eyes shimmering beneath the candlelight.

"What is it?"

"If you could go back and choose… I mean, between You-Know-Who and me, what would you…"

"I'd choose you. Without hesitation. Knowing what I know now, I could've _never_ …"

He wasn't prepared for her reaction, his eyes widening as she pressed her lips to his. The next thing he knew, he was kissing her back, groaning low in his throat, tongue delving into her mouth much more forcefully than he'd intended. He kept expecting her to stop him, wondering if he was on the verge of waking up from yet another dream.

But this wasn't a dream. This was all too real, from the taste of her mouth to the warm, solid body he held in his arms. He eased her back against the cushions, and still, she didn't resist, sighing in encouragement as he moved to kiss her neck.

Why was this happening? He attempted to find some logical reason, only to decide that it didn't matter. _Nothing_ mattered except the way she felt beneath him, shivers skittering up his spine as he imagined what it would feel like to be inside her. If he could have that, even just this _once_ …

"Lily," he said, his voice emerging as a harsh whisper. "If you want me to stop…"

"Don't stop. Please."

He let out a shuddering sigh, clumsy in his eagerness as he unbuttoned her top. Lowering his head, he rained kisses across her neck, along her jawline, practically devouring her mouth as he reached around to unfasten her bra. Her breasts… he was quite certain he'd never seen anything more beautiful in his life, teasing her nipple with the tip of his tongue before he drew it into his mouth.

The truth was, he had no idea what he was doing. While he'd read numerous books on the subject, he'd never actually…

"Mmmm…"

Well, perhaps he was doing _something_ right.

Encouraged by Lily's reaction, he turned his attention to her other breast, sliding a hand beneath her skirt. He caressed her stomach, her thighs, holding his breath as she lifted her hips, allowing him to remove the rest of her clothing.

"Severus…" she whispered. "I want…"

"Tell me."

In response, she positioned his hand between her legs, showing him how to touch her. He mimicked her movements, rewarded with a shaky moan as he increased the friction. Her breathing grew faster, soft sounds urging him on, though of course, he didn't need any encouragement. He could've done this for the rest of his life, utterly captivated by the way she arched her back, seeking his touch. It was almost enough to make him forget about his own need, too intent on her satisfaction to focus on anything else.

"Oh god."

He'd never forget the way she looked in that moment, her face slack with pleasure as she quivered from head to toe. When she finally opened her eyes, they were hazy, unfocused, her lips curving into a small, satisfied smile.

With that, his own need returned with a vengeance. He nearly tore his robe trying to get it off, fumbling with what seemed like far too many buttons. Lily leaned forward to help him, her soft hands making him gasp as she freed him from his trousers. With that, she lay back down, offering an enticing view of herself as she parted her legs in invitation.

"Fuck," he muttered under his breath. He was already on the brink, fighting for control as he knelt between her thighs. He felt her hands sliding across his back, legs wrapping around his waist, her body stretching to accommodate him as he plunged himself inside her. She gasped, fingernails digging into his shoulders, his hips seeming to move of their own volition despite all his attempts to pace himself. He'd never imagined anything could feel so good, soft moans filling his ears as he drove himself deeper, intoxicated by the sensation of her tight, velvety heat.

"Severus…"

He groaned in response, closing his eyes as wave after wave of pleasure shuddered through him. It seemed to go on forever, yet it ended all too soon, leaving him utterly drained in the aftermath. It was all he could do just to shift to one side, pressing his face against her neck as he struggled to catch his breath.

"Are you all right?" she said, sounding faintly amused.

"I can honestly say… that I've never… been better."

"Me too. I had no idea…"

"What?" He prompted when she trailed off.

"I had no idea I could feel that way."

"You mean Potter hasn't…"

From the moment she'd kissed him, he'd been pretending that her wretched husband didn't exist, an alternate reality that suited him just fine. Yet on the other hand, he couldn't deny his… curiosity? Or was it pride? Either way, part of him desperately wanted to believe that _he_ was the better lover.

"James really isn't interested in…"

"Pleasing you?"

"Yeah, I guess you could put it that way."

Six months of marriage and Potter had never managed to satisfy her? Severus couldn't help feeling superior, especially when he considered his own lack of experience. Unfortunately, his triumph was bittersweet, pride replaced by disgust when he thought about the implications. Clearly, the bastard didn't care if Lily enjoyed it or not. He'd rather use her for his own pleasure, as if that was the only thing that mattered.

"Your husband," he said, "is an idiot."

"Why do you say that? I mean, not that I disagree, but…"

"I could give you countless reasons, but in this case…" Severus shook his head, remembering the expression on her face when she'd lost control. Nothing, not even his own release, had been more gratifying than that.

"In _this_ case," he repeated, "He's an idiot for neglecting your needs. Any man who _wouldn't_ want to please you… that isn't mere idiocy. It's insanity."

"Really?"

Something about the way she said it… her insecurity was palpable, her confidence damaged, perhaps even destroyed by Potter's selfishness. Severus had never hated him more than he did in that moment, even as he hated himself for his own poor choices. If he hadn't alienated Lily all those years ago, if their friendship hadn't ended, maybe she wouldn't have…

No. There was no point in rehashing the past. All he had was the present.

"Really," he said. "I don't know why anyone would be stupid enough to take you for granted, but trust me when I say that Potter's failing has nothing to do with you. You are… an amazing lover. Beautiful and passionate, and…" He trailed off, feeling flustered.

Clearly, he wasn't the only one. Lily ducked her head, her cheeks turning pink.

"Thanks," she said. "You weren't too bad yourself."

He snorted. "I had no idea what I was doing. Next time…"

Of course, there was no guarantee there would even _be_ a next time. For all he knew, this was an isolated incident, a moment of weakness or perhaps even a lapse in judgment on her part. She was still married, after all, even if…

"Shit."

"What's wrong?"

"It's getting light out," she said. "I'd better go."

He lifted his head, surprised to see that the sun had risen. The candles had long since sputtered out, replaced by soft rays of light that slanted across the room.

"What will you tell him?"

"Hopefully," she said as she reached for her clothes, "I won't have to tell him anything. He's a late sleeper."

He nodded, becoming painfully aware of his own nudity as he watched her dress. Summoning his trousers, he put them on, buttoning his shirt before he sat back down on the couch.

"Lily…"

"Yes?"

He opened his mouth and then closed it again, his mind buzzing with questions. He wanted to know why she'd done it, what it meant and whether she regretted what had happened between them. Would this be a single occurrence or was there some small hope…

No. This newfound understanding, this… connection was far too new, as miraculous as it was fragile. He wasn't willing to test it by putting her on the spot, afraid that one wrong word might break the spell.

"You'll want to be careful," he said instead. "If Potter found out…"

"Don't worry. I have a good excuse in case I need one."

"Yes, but it isn't just that." He reached for his cloak, withdrawing a tiny sack from the inner pocket. Enlarging it with a flick of his wand, he shuffled through the potions until he found the one he was looking for.

She frowned. "What's that?"

"Contraceptive."

"Oh, I didn't even think about…"

"You'll need to take it within the next few hours."

"Might as well do it now." She uncapped the vial, her face twisting as she downed the contents. "Ugh," she sputtered as she handed him the empty flask. "That's _disgusting!_ "

"You've never had a Contraceptive Potion?"

She shook her head, conjuring a glass and filling it with water. He watched her drink, feeling sick as he considered the implications. Six months of marriage and she and Potter had never taken any precautions… was that just carelessness on his part? Or was he actively _trying_ to get her pregnant?

Either way, the result would be the same. Surely Lily knew that. The fact that she'd never attempted to prevent such an outcome… did that mean she _wanted_ to have Potter's child?

"I need to get going," she said, reaching down to put on her shoes. "I… I'll see you later, all right?"

"Of course."

He watched her leave before he put on his boots, Apparating back to Spinner's End. The drab little house was exactly the way he'd left it, right down to the half empty teacup on the bedside table. He might've believed it had all been a dream were it not for the whiff of perfume on his collar, a single red hair clinging to the front of his cloak.

Why had she done it? Perhaps he'd never know the answer to that question, though he supposed it didn't matter. He'd never regret the night they'd just spent together, even if it was the only one they were destined to share.


	7. Truth

**Truth**

* * *

To Lily's relief, James was still asleep when she got home. She took off her shoes before she crept upstairs, sighing in relief as she locked herself in the bathroom.

She looked… _different_. It wasn't just her messy hair or rumpled clothes, her mouth still swollen from Severus's kisses. The change went deeper than that, something in her eyes that had never been there before. What was it? She couldn't say, still dazed by this strange new reality. To think that she'd finally had _sex_ …

"Almost done? I need to piss."

She jumped, wondering how long she'd been staring at her reflection. Minutes? Hours? It didn't matter. As long as _he_ was out there, she had no intention of leaving the bathroom.

"Taking a bath," she said, recovering her wits somewhat. "Use the toilet downstairs."

Was it her imagination, or did she _sound_ different, too? What if he noticed? What if he saw that look in her eyes and somehow knew what it meant?

No. That was ridiculous. These were subtle cues, perhaps even nonexistent outside of her imagination. He'd be much more likely to pick up on obvious signs, like the unfamiliar, distinctly masculine scent that still clung to her clothes.

With that thought, she quickly undressed, casting a garment cleaning charm before she filled the tub with soapy water. The bath felt heavenly, relaxing her muscles as it soothed the soreness between her legs. She wiped a spot of dried blood off her thigh, wondering what Severus had thought when he'd realized he was her first. That must've been strange, to say the least, considering that she'd been married for six months. Hadn't he wondered…

"Lils?"

This time, it was Sirius who knocked on the door. She let out a heavy sigh, biting back a sharp retort.

"Yeah?"

"We're off to Diagon Alley. Back by dinner."

"Fine."

 _Of course_ they'd be back for dinner. Wasn't that the way it usually went? They'd stop by for an hour or two, expecting her to cook for them before they headed out for another adventure.

"Selfish gits," she muttered, waiting for the door to close before she climbed out of the tub. She cast a drying charm, relieved to have the house to herself as she finally left the bathroom.

* * *

As much as Lily wanted to confront James, she refused to do it when Sirius was around. Unfortunately, he never seemed to leave, a constant, infuriating presence she couldn't escape. He was there for breakfast. He showed back up for dinner. True, she had a few hours to herself in the evenings, but she always heard them come in, quietly fuming as she imagined what was happening across the hall.

Were they rubbing it in her face? It certainly seemed so. Now that she knew the truth, she couldn't be in the same room with them without seeing the signs. It was there in the way they looked at each other, their voices deeper, more intimate whenever they spoke. Even the way they _touched_ …

She'd always thought these were innocent gestures. Slaps on the back, arms flung around each other's shoulders… wasn't that normal for best mates? Perhaps, though she couldn't help but notice the way their hands would linger, James grazing Sirius's neck with the tips of his fingers as he pulled his arm away.

How had she missed the obvious? Why hadn't she realized…

Realized _what?_ That her husband was a lying sack of shit? That he'd been deceiving her all along? Both of those things were true, but why was she questioning her own behavior? True, she might've been easy to manipulate, but she wasn't to blame for his actions.

"Dinner ready?"

James was standing at the foot of the stairs, his hair even messier than usual. For once, he was alone, stifling a huge yawn as he wandered into the kitchen.

She shook her head. "I haven't started it yet."

"How long will it take? Need to leave in an hour."

"I don't feel like cooking. Why don't you make yourself a sandwich?"

"Can you do it? I should really grab a shower before…"

"James?"

"Yeah?"

"Make your own fucking sandwich."

"Well, you don't have to be nasty about it. I just figured since I'm the one who has plans tonight…"

Something inside her snapped, rage bubbling up like an overheated cauldron. She stormed over to the counter, gathering a few supplies before she turned to face him.

"Hungry?"

He nodded. "If you could just throw something together…"

" _Throw?_ Sure." She grabbed a fistful of meat, hurling it directly at his face.

" _Hey!_ "

"Would you like mustard on that?" She opened the jar, flinging the contents all over his jumper. "Oh yes, and mayonnaise. I'm sure you want plenty of…"

"What the bloody hell is your problem?!"

" _My_ problem? You want to know what my problem is? I'm sick of your bullshit. You do _nothing_ for me, yet you expect…"

"I don't do anything for you?" He hesitated, wiping a spot of mustard off his cheek. "Who paid for that dress you're wearing? Whose house are you living in? If it weren't for me, you wouldn't have…"

"You think I married you because I wanted a free ride?"

"I didn't say that. I only meant…"

"Oh, I know exactly what you meant."

"I didn't…" He trailed off, glancing at his stained jumper. "Look, can we talk about this later? I've really got to get a shower before Sirius…"

"Sirius?" The name was like a trigger. She narrowed her eyes, moving to block him as he tried to leave the kitchen. "Oh, yes. Let's talk about Sirius."

"What's your problem with him?"

"Only the fact that he's buggering my husband."

James recovered quickly, but not before she saw a flash of panic in his eyes. He shook his head, making another attempt to move past her.

"That is the most ridiculous…"

"Oh, give it up! I _saw_ you with him. I opened the door to your room and the two of you were… well, let's just say you were a bit _preoccupied_."

"That's impossible."

"Not if you're so drunk that you forget to cast a Muffliato," she said. "That's how I found out, you know. I heard noises from across the hall, and I…"

"You _spied_ on us?"

" _Spied on you?_ Bloody hell, James, I thought you were having a nightmare! I went to check on you, assuming that was what a _wife_ should do! To accuse me of…"

"All right," he said, sinking into the closest chair. "I'm sorry, all right? I… I never meant for you to find out."

"So you thought you could cheat on me and keep me in the dark about it? That's nice."

"What do you want me to say?"

"I want to know why you did it."

"Me and Sirius… we just…"

"No," she interrupted. "I want to know why you married me. Why did you fool me into thinking you were in love with me?"

"I _do_ love…"

"Liar. _Tell me why you did it._ "

"Lily, I…" He hesitated, letting out a heavy sigh. "I _had_ to get married. I couldn't carry on the bloodline without…"

"So you married me for my breeding potential. Nice."

"Isn't that the way it usually works? People get married because they want kids."

She shook her head. "Marriage is about love… two people caring for each other so much that they want to spend the rest of their lives together. Having a family can be part of that, but it isn't the only reason. Or at least, it wasn't for me."

"I know, but…"

"But you already knew that, didn't you?" she continued. "That's why you made me believe…"

"What else was I supposed to do? My parents…"

"Why didn't you just tell them the truth? I mean, it's not like you're the only wizard who's ever fancied boys. I'm sure they would've understood."

"No," he said, sounding genuinely pained. "They wouldn't have. You don't know the pressure of being born into a family like mine. Any pureblood family, really, but especially mine. Our legacy goes back for centuries, Lily. If I don't figure out a way to continue it, the name dies with me."

"Okay, I won't argue with that, but it doesn't explain the deception. Why did you do it, James? Why did you act like you were in love with me?"

"Because if you'd known the truth, you would've never gone through with it."

"No," she agreed, "but it's not like I was the only option. Plenty of girls would've been happy to marry you for other reasons. Wealth. Family connections. Whatever. It's not like you had to lie to find a wife – surely you must've realized that."

"Yeah, but…"

"But you pursued me. Spent years trying to wear me down, even when I obviously wasn't interested. Why did you do that?"

"You're quite charming." He hesitated, clearly at a loss. "Beautiful, too."

She shook her head. "I wasn't the only one who was beautiful or charming. Besides, why did it matter what I looked like? You're obviously not attracted to girls."

"A pretty wife's still better than an ugly one." He shrugged. "Anyway, I enjoyed the challenge."

"The challenge of winning me over?" She hesitated, suddenly feeling sick. "Or the challenge of winning me away from Severus?"

James didn't respond. He didn't need to. The truth was written all over his face, a flash of disgust swiftly followed by triumph.

"You… you did it on _purpose!_ "

"He wanted to be a Death Eater, Lily. Have you forgotten that?"

"He was my _friend!_ " she shouted, her eyes filling with tears. "My closest friend, and you took him from me! You made me _believe_ …"

"I didn't _make_ you do anything. You were glad for an excuse to be rid of him."

"That isn't true! If you'd just left us alone…"

"What's done is done." James shrugged, leaning back in his chair. "Can't we put it behind us?"

" _Put it behind us?!_ After what you _did?_ Can't you see how wrong…"

"It wasn't wrong," he interrupted. "Snape was a wretched person, not to mention a terrible influence on you. You should be glad…"

"How do you know what kind of person he was? You never knew him! Never _tried_ to get to know him. You decided to hate him right from that first day on the train, just because he wanted to be in Slytherin!"

"Isn't that reason enough?"

" _No!_ No, it isn't! He only wanted that because of his family, the same reason _you_ were desperate to be in Gryffindor!"

"What about the Dark magic?"

"You mean the Dark magic he learned from his mother? She was his only magical influence!"

"Why are you making excuses for him?"

"I'm not! Trust me, he knew I didn't like that stuff. My point is…" She hesitated, struggling for composure. "You never gave him a chance. No one did. Really, it's no wonder he started hanging around those awful people. The way you bullied him…"

"Are you expecting me to apologize?" James shook his head. "Well, I won't. He was a shit person who deserved everything he got. Honestly, he's lucky I even bothered to save his life."

"You did that to protect Sirius and Remus."

"Yeah, well, he's still alive because of me. I don't owe him a bloody thing."

"It's not about owing people," she said, fighting back another round of tears. "It's choosing to give them the benefit of the doubt. Can't you see how different it might've been if you'd at least _tried_ …"

"Tried being nice to him?" James snorted. "He would've hexed me the minute my back was turned."

"Fine. Can I ask you one more question?"

"What?"

"Did you _ever_ stop hurting him?"

"I did when we left Hogwarts."

"So seventh year, when you told me you'd leave him alone…"

James hesitated, then shrugged. "He deserved it."

"Yeah," she said bitterly. "That's what I thought you'd say."

* * *

 _"I need to see you."_

Lily watched her Patronus take flight, pacing the kitchen as she waited for a response. Had she sent it too early? She hoped not. She'd hate to catch Severus at some inopportune moment, putting both of them at risk.

Still, she was desperate to see him. She waited another 10 minutes, anxiety gnawing at her insides as she stared out the window. Would he send his Patronus? Or would he just show up like he'd done at the cottage?

Either option was fine with her. She just needed to see that he was safe and well, needed to know that everything was okay between them.

She needed _him_.

It didn't make sense. Up until a week ago, he hadn't even been part of her life. They'd gone from friends to strangers, hadn't talked in years other than that night in the alley. How had he become so important to her so quickly? Why did it feel like he was the center of her world, the only thing that was keeping her sane?

Because they'd never _been_ strangers.

She'd tried to separate herself from him. All those years ago, she'd given him up as a lost cause, telling herself that the Severus she'd known was gone. But had she ever believed it? Not really. Deep down, she'd never stopped loving him, hoping there was some small chance they might be reconciled someday.

Now that come back into her life? Well, maybe her need for him _did_ make sense. All those years of thinking and hoping, missing him far more than she was ever willing to admit…

She lost her train of thought, her eyes widening as a dark shadow separated itself from the trees. In an instant, she knew that it was him, his robes billowing in the breeze as he approached the house with slow, cautious footsteps.

Asking him to come _here_ of all places? He must've wondered if she'd gone insane. Still, he was willing to take the risk, lowering his hood as she ushered him inside.

"You've been crying," he observed, his brow furrowed. "Why?"

"I hate my husband."

"We have that in common, it seems. What happened?"

"I don't want to talk about it. Can we just… pretend he doesn't exist?"

"That _does_ happen to be one of my favorite pastimes," Severus said, his lips twitching. "He lives here, however, making it rather more difficult to ignore his existence. If he should return…"

She shook her head. "Full moon. He won't be back anytime soon."

"Ah. Out with the werewolf?"

"Yep."

He nodded, scanning the room before he returned his attention to her. The longing in his eyes was unmistakable, her breath coming a little faster as she closed the distance between them.

"Severus?"

"Yes?"

"Do you want to… you know…"

"For future reference," he said, his voice a silky murmur as he pulled her against him. "I _always_ want to."

She shivered, moaning low in her throat as his mouth covered hers. This was what passion was _supposed_ to feel like, worlds apart from the tepid affection she'd received from James. Severus seemed like he wanted to devour her, his kisses almost brutal as he slid a hand up her thigh.

"Wait," she said, forcing herself to take a step backward. "Let's go upstairs."

She led him to her room, leaving him to sit on the bed as she locked and warded the door. She turned around to find him watching her, his dark eyes glittering beneath the candlelight as she slipped out of her dress.

"Shall I take off the rest?"

"Please."

She nodded, reaching back to unfasten her bra. Tossing it aside, she slid her underwear off, removing the clip from her hair so it tumbled down her back.

"Your turn," she said, amused by how swiftly he managed to undress. His boots hit the floor, followed by his trousers, robe, and undershirt. The only thing left were his shorts, his erection straining against the thin fabric.

"Those, too."

"Right." Hastily, he took them off, his eyes meeting hers as he awaited her next instruction.

"Lie down."

How had she ended up in charge? She didn't know, but she certainly wasn't complaining. On the contrary, she'd never felt more powerful, more beautiful, holding his gaze as she placed her knees on the foot of the bed. Slowly, she crawled up the length of his body, not stopping until they were face to face.

"Severus," she whispered. "I want…"

"Tell me."

"I want to please you."

He made a strange noise, caught somewhere between a whimper and a groan. She murmured in response, kissing him slow and deep. Finally, she released his mouth, bringing her lips to the side of his neck. She teased his ear with the tip of her tongue, feeling him shiver as she moved lower, raining kisses across his chest and stomach.

Of course, she didn't intend on stopping there. She rose to kneel between his thighs, his eyes snapping open as he realized what she was doing. He cursed under his breath, burying his hands in her hair as she drew him into her mouth.

She'd tried this once with James, but again, Severus couldn't have been more different. He was fully aroused, unmistakably hard, groaning helplessly as she took him deeper, as deep as she could manage. She followed his wordless cues, mimicking the rhythm he set as he lifted his hips, thrusting gently into her mouth. By then, he was panting, releasing her hair to claw at the sheets.

"Lily," he rasped as she picked up momentum. "I can't…"

The rest of his words were lost, but she caught his meaning. Releasing him from her mouth, she shifted onto her hands and knees, kissing him fiercely as she guided him inside her.

"Severus…"

His only response was a shuddering groan, his hands skimming the length of her body. He kept his eyes fixed on hers, his expression mesmerized as she lifted her hips, bringing them down again and again with soft cries of pleasure. She didn't think it could get any better… not until his fingers delved between her thighs, rubbing her in slow, deliberate circles.

She moved faster, whimpering as he increased the friction. "Please," she gasped, her fingernails digging into his chest. "Don't stop."

"Never."

With that, he applied more pressure, her eyes squeezing shut as wave after wave of pleasure shuddered through her. When she opened them again, her head was resting on his shoulder, her body utterly sated. Only then did she realize that he wasn't quite finished. He lifted his hips, easing himself in and out of her, his expression a strange mixture of agony and bliss.

"I love you."

She hadn't meant to say it. Hadn't even realized she felt that way until the words left her mouth. Either way, the effect was instantaneous, his body jerking like he'd just been hit by a Stunner. She felt him pulsing inside her, muttering something that might've been her name as his body went limp.

"What you said…"

"I love you?"

"Did… did you mean it?"

"I wouldn't have said it if I didn't."

"I…" He closed his eyes, letting out a shaky breath. "You must know that I…"

"That you love me, too?"

"I always have. I'm just sorry that…"

Shaking her head, she pressed her fingers to his lips. "No apologies. Whatever happened or who was at fault, we can't change the past. All we have…"

"Is now," he finished for her.

She nodded, tracing the angular lines of his face. "Severus?"

"Yes, love?"

"What are we going to do?"

He let out a heavy sigh. "I don't know."

"If I left James…"

"Don't do that. Not yet."

"Why not? Surely you don't _want_ me to stay married."

"Trust me, that's the _last_ thing I want. However, your union with Potter offers certain… protections. He's a pureblood from an ancient family, one that the Dark Lord still hopes to win to his side."

"That will never happen."

"Perhaps not, but he doesn't know that. As long as he believes there's a chance, he won't strike out against you. Of course, it doesn't help that both of you are fighting for the Order now, but …"

"He knows?"

"He knows. You'll want to be extremely careful."

"I'm not going to stop fighting for the Order, if that's what you're suggesting."

"No," Severus said. "I know you too well to suggest anything of the sort. I'm only asking you to avoid unnecessary risks."

"Like sneaking Death Eaters into my bedroom?"

Lily cringed, worried she might've offended him. Instead, he snorted, his lips twitching.

"I suppose _one_ is acceptable. Any more than that? No, I wouldn't recommend it."

"Severus?"

"Hmmm?"

"Could you stop?"

"Stop what?"

"You know… being a Death Eater."

He shook his head. "It isn't that simple. Those who try to leave… you can't imagine the things he does to them, nor do I have any wish to describe them to you."

"You've seen it?"

He inclined his head, his expression grim.

"But if the Order could help you, hide you…"

"Even if they could," he said, "why would they?"

"I'd vouch for you. I'd tell them…"

"It wouldn't _matter_ what you told them. They'd assume I'd manipulated you, fooled you into believing I'd had a change of heart so I could gain access to the Order and all its secrets. No doubt Potter would reinforce that belief, aided by his despicable friends."

"You're right," she said quietly. "We don't have a lot of options, do we?"

He shook his head, letting out a heavy sigh. "All we can do is wait for the war to end. If your side wins and I can avoid being killed or winding up in Azkaban…"

"What if the other side wins?"

"Then I'll claim you as my reward."

"Your _reward?_ That is the most degrading…"

"Degrading or not, I could offer you protection. Without that…"

He didn't finish. Didn't need to, really. She'd often imagined what her life would be like under Voldemort's regime, each version more terrifying than the last.

"I wouldn't stop fighting. You know that, right? Even if the other side wins…"

"I know," he interrupted, "which is why you and the Order must make sure that doesn't happen."

"You mean you _want_ us to win?"

"If you'd asked me that question six months ago…" Severus hesitated, turning his head to stare out the window. "Now? Yes, I suppose I do. Whatever it takes to keep you safe… that's what I want."

She nuzzled his neck, caressing his face with the tips of her fingers. Slowly, he turned his head, muttering something unintelligible as his mouth found hers. Only then did she realize that he was still inside her, feeling him swell within her as his kisses grew deeper, more urgent. He shifted her onto her back, his hips rocking in a slow, languorous rhythm, warm breath making her shiver as he whispered in her ear.

"I love you. Whatever happens…"

"I know," she said, her hands sliding up to caress his back. "I love you, too."

With that, she gave herself over to the sensations, every nerve ending in her body begging for his touch. Awareness only returned in the aftermath, her stomach twisting in knots as she spotted a ray of sunlight slanting across the bed.

"Shit."

"What's wrong?" Severus opened his eyes, sucking in a sharp breath as he glanced at the window. He launched himself off the bed, scrambling for his clothes. In less than a minute, he was fully dressed, dropping a vial in her lap as he reached for his cloak.

"Someone's here!" she hissed. "They're coming up the stairs!"

"Fuck! Should I go out the window?"

She shook her head. "Someone might see you!"

He scanned the room, looking as panicked as she felt. "Apparition?"

"The house is warded against it. No Floo either except the one downstairs."

"What the bloody hell am I supposed to…"

They both jumped as someone knocked on the door, though Lily knew it wasn't James. The sound was far too timid, echoed by a squeaky voice.

"Lily? You in there?"

"Morning, Peter," she said, doing her best to sound casual. "I'd open the door, but I'm not dressed. Total starkers, actually. What did you need?"

She heard him shuffling his feet, a clear sign of his embarrassment. "Um, Prongs wanted me to tell you…"

"Yes?"

"He's decided to take a short holiday. Sent me back to check on you and grab a few clothes."

"A holiday?" she said, unable to keep the sarcasm out of her voice. "How nice."

"Yeah, we're going up to Manchester. Thought we'd…"

"Peter?"

"Yeah?"

"I don't care."

She heard a snicker behind her, rolling her eyes as she glanced back at Severus. He was standing by the window, his hand hovering near his wand.

"Yes, well…" Peter hesitated, followed by more shuffling. "Guess I'll be on my way then."

"Bye!"

Silently, they waited, listening to Peter as he rustled around in James's room. Finally, she heard the sound of his feet on the stairs, the front door opening and closing with a soft click.

"He has access to your home?" Severus said, finally daring to speak again.

"They all do."

"Why would you permit…"

"I wasn't given any choice in the matter."

He sat down on the bed, his mouth pressed into a tight line. "If you were _my_ wife…"

"If I was your wife," she prompted when he trailed off. "What would you do?"

"I wouldn't leave you to go on holiday with my mates. I wouldn't be off drinking at the pub every night, and we _certainly_ wouldn't be sleeping in separate bedrooms. You'd be beside me each night, the first thing I thought of every morning. I'd never neglect you, I'd…"

"You'd love me."

"Always."

She leaned her head against his chest, resisting the urge to cry. "I wish…"

"I know."

With that, he kissed her goodbye, slipping from the house like a ghost as she downed the potion he'd given her.


	8. Risks

**Risks**

* * *

Oddly enough, James decided to skip the holiday. He returned later that evening, greeting Lily with a peck on the cheek as he joined her for dinner.

"Change of plans?"

"Yeah." He paused, swallowing a mouthful of chicken. "Figured it would be better if I came home."

"Why?"

"Didn't seem fair, leaving you here by yourself."

"Oh, please. Like you've ever given a toss…"

"No," he interrupted. "I haven't. But after what happened last night…"

Lily froze, picturing herself lying in Severus's arms. Was _that_ why James had come back? Granted, it _would_ explain his strange behavior, but how could he have possibly known…

"Last night?" she echoed, struggling to keep the tremor out of her voice.

"I don't like fighting with you. Besides…"

The fight. _Of course_. She forced herself to relax, taking a sip of tea to settle her stomach.

"Go on."

"Besides, you did have a point. I haven't been a very good husband, have I?"

"Oh, I don't know," she said, not bothering to keep the sarcasm out of her voice. "Other than the lying and cheating, the way you manipulated me into believing…"

"I'm sorry, all right?"

"Yeah? Well, you bloody well should be."

"Lily, please." He hesitated, letting out a heavy sigh. "Look, I can't change the past. Can't change who I am either, but that doesn't mean we can't make this work."

"Make this _work?_ " She stared at him, dumbfounded. " _How?_ "

"We could spend more time together. That would be a start, wouldn't it? Maybe if I treated you better, really made an effort this time…"

"What about Sirius?"

"I've already asked him to stay away."

"James…" Lily sighed, burying her head in her hands. She wanted to tell him that it was already too late, demand an annulment and put an end to this farce. But it wasn't that simple, was it?

 _"Surely you don't want me to stay married."_

 _"Trust me, that's the last thing I want. However, your union with Potter offers certain… protections."_

Were it not for Severus, she would've been happy to take the risk. Even now, she was tempted, though she couldn't disregard the fear she'd seen in his eyes, nor the strain she'd heard in his voice when he'd urged her to stay with James. James bloody Potter, of all people…

"Lily?"

Besides, it wasn't like she had a lot of options. If she left, she'd have no money and nowhere else to live. Where would she go? What would she do? It wasn't as if she could just move in with Severus. He was even more trapped than she was, bound by a different sort of vow. He'd try to protect her, no doubt, but that could easily mean blowing his cover, exposing them both to Voldemort's wrath.

She couldn't do that. Not to him. With any luck, the war would soon be over and they'd be free to do as they liked, but until then…

"Fine."

"Really?"

She nodded. "Doesn't mean I forgive you for what you did, but what's done is done. Let's just… try to move forward."

"Fair enough."

A year ago, James's lopsided smile would've made her heart flutter. Now she felt nothing, resisting the urge to cringe as he reached out to squeeze her hand. She pulled it away, their wedding bands reminding her of tiny shackles as she rose to clear the dishes.

"Right," he said. "Guess I'll grab a shower."

He didn't offer to help. Of course not. For all his determination to be a better husband, it obviously hadn't occurred to him that he should do his share of the housework. He left it to her instead, humming to himself as he left the kitchen.

"Prat."

She cast a flurry of cleaning charms, still scowling as she stacked the dishes in the cupboard. Finally, she extinguished the lights, stifling a huge yawn as she trudged upstairs to her bedroom.

"James?!"

"Told you I wanted to make this work, didn't I?" He set his glasses on the nightstand, removing his shoes before he reached up to unbutton his shirt. To her horror, he even took off his trousers, clad in nothing but briefs as he stretched out on the bed. "Figured it would help if we stopped sleeping in separate rooms."

"You _really_ don't have to…"

"Sure I do. I'm your husband, aren't I?"

"I don't mind sleeping alone."

"Yeah, well…" He turned on his side, snuggling deeper into the covers. "If we're ever going to have children…"

 _Children?_ She bit back a sharp retort, shaking her head as she retrieved a nightgown from the dresser. What a presumptuous ass he was, assuming she'd even _consider_ such a thing.

"James?"

"Yeah?"

"Why are you doing this?"

He shrugged. "Because I don't want to lose you."

Under normal circumstances, perhaps he would've agreed to let her go. He could've found someone else, taking the time to groom them as he'd done with her. But with a war raging outside, time was a luxury he might not have. He must've realized that, afraid of losing what might very well be his only chance to carry on the Potter name.

That had to be why he'd come back early, why he was determined to make amends. She was still useful to him… assuming he could get her pregnant.

"So you still want to have…"

"A baby?" he finished for her. "Of course. Several if we can manage it."

 _Several?!_ Her mouth fell open, her body giving an involuntary shudder. Did he honestly think she would let him use her that way, bearing child after child for a man she didn't love?

"James…"

She trailed off, fully recognizing her dilemma. James's determination to stay married revolved around the possibility of her getting pregnant. If she took that away, he'd have no reason not to divorce her. That would place both her and Severus in an impossible predicament, one that could easily end in disaster.

Of course, there was _one_ thing that might still work in her favor…

"Fine," she said. "Let's get started."

She didn't miss the flicker of panic in James's eyes, resisting the urge to smile as she pulled her jumper over her head. Tossing it aside, she unbuttoned her jeans, shivering as the cool night air danced across her skin.

 _"Shall I take off the rest?"_

 _"Please."_

She didn't voice that question aloud, nor was it James who responded. It was Severus's voice she heard in her mind, soft and strained with desire. She could still picture him lying in her bed, dark eyes watching her hungrily as she reached back to unfasten her bra.

Of course, James's reaction couldn't have been more different. He kept his eyes fixed on the wall, his body tensing as she dropped onto the mattress beside him.

"It's all right," she said, her voice thick with sarcasm. "You can look now."

She'd chosen her most modest nightgown, her body covered from neck to ankle in thick flannel. It was enough to set him at ease, which of course, was exactly what she'd intended. She waited for him to turn his head in her direction, giving him a second to relax before she yanked the nightgown up to her waist.

"Ready?" she said, parting her thighs in mock invitation.

She lay there fully exposed, wondering what she would do if he called her bluff. Time seemed to stand still until finally, he shook his head, stifling a yawn that was even more contrived than her willingness to have sex.

"Wow," he said. "I'm more tired than I thought."

"Want me to get on top?" She shifted onto her side, lifting one leg as if to drape it over his hips. "You can just lie there and let me do all the work."

His eyes widened, his body tensing like he was getting ready to bolt from the room. Instead, he rolled away from her, his body teetering precariously on the edge of the bed.

"Not tonight, okay? I really am bloody exhausted."

Six months ago, she would've been stung by his rejection. Now she took comfort in it, knowing she wouldn't have to worry about getting pregnant anytime soon.

"Fair enough," she said. "Why don't we get some sleep?"

* * *

Lily didn't have to worry about rejecting James. Her feigned willingness was enough to hold him off, his eyes darting around like a scared rabbit whenever she joined him in bed. Still, he returned each night, clearly determined to sleep beside her.

She'd tried stripping down to her underwear, hoping that would send him back to his room. When that didn't work, she'd come to bed naked, not bothering to cover herself with a blanket. He'd pretended to be asleep, his muscles tensing as she leaned over to whisper in his ear.

"Wanna shag?"

She relied on assertiveness, the one thing that was guaranteed to make him recoil. Unfortunately, it was a flawed strategy, one that failed her when she happened to fall asleep.

"What are you…"

"Shh! Just… lie still. I've almost got…"

She felt him then, horrified to discover that he was relatively hard as he rubbed against her from behind. Why had she thought it was a good idea to sleep naked? Her lack of clothing gave him easy access, panic rising in her throat as she felt him probing between her thighs.

Her first instinct was to jerk away. Instead, she shifted onto her back, taking his hand and placing it on her breast.

"I could use a bit of a warm up," she told him. "You don't mind, do you?"

"Lily, I…" He gave her breast a halfhearted squeeze, sighing as he pulled his hand away. "I can't. Not like this."

"Oh, I see. You'd rather just shove it in and get it over with."

"No, that's not…"

He didn't need to finish. His actions spoke for themselves, a late night erection combined with Lily in her most passive, nonthreatening state. If she'd just lain there, he might've been able to fuck her. He could've closed his eyes and pretended she was someone else, praying she wouldn't move or speak or do anything that made him remember who she was.

 _Fuck_. There was no other word for what he'd attempted to do. What he wanted was to use her body, disregarding the needs of her heart, her mind, her soul. Did it matter that he had every reason to believe she was a virgin? Of course not. He wouldn't have cared if he hurt her, just as he wasn't bothered by the idea of her suffering to bear children she might not even want.

"Where you going?"

"Bathroom."

She headed for the dresser, pulling on a pair of sweatpants and a long sleeved shirt. Resisting the urge to put on several more layers, she hurried to the bathroom, casting a Muffliato before she burst into tears.

It wasn't James's callousness that upset her. No, it was the fact that she hadn't seen it sooner, that she'd been foolish enough to marry him in the first place.

Now she was stuck in that marriage, bound to a man who wanted to use her, abuse her, a cruel combination of deception and manipulation and unfortunate circumstance. Without him, she'd have no resources or protection, no option but to put the man she loved at risk.

What was she supposed to do? If she left James, she'd be endangering Severus from _both_ sides. It wasn't as if she could count on the Order to shield him. James would make sure that didn't happen, insisting that Severus was working as a spy. If Lily tried to argue? He'd claim she'd been Confunded, perhaps even Imperiused.

But it wasn't just that.

 _"I enjoyed the challenge."_

 _"The challenge of winning me over? Or the challenge of winning me away from Severus?"_

He'd chosen Lily as his target, determined to drive her and Severus apart. That was why he'd worked so hard to convince her that he loved her, why he'd made such an effort to hide his bad behavior. He'd done that with the intention of hurting Severus as much as humanly possible, wounds that went far deeper than all those years of hexes and insults.

Even when he'd accomplished what he'd set out to do? He hadn't been satisfied. It didn't matter that he'd broken Severus's heart, depriving him of the only person he'd truly loved. He'd still felt the need to cause him further pain, striking out against him whenever he could get away with it.

 _"Seventh year, when you told me you'd leave him alone…"_

 _"He deserved it."_

That was a testament to his cruelty, a deep, irrational hatred Lily couldn't begin to understand. That hatred hadn't faded in the short time since they'd left Hogwarts. It still burned within him like a disease, ready to flare up at the slightest provocation. If she turned to the Order, revealing her relationship with Severus, what would James say? What would he do when he realized that Lily, the prize he'd worked so hard to steal, had been reclaimed?

More importantly, what would _Severus_ do? If he attempted to switch sides, pitting both Voldemort and the Order against him, how could he possibly hope to defend himself? James would have the freedom to hunt him down, torture him or even kill him outright without any fear of consequences.

That was the irony of their situation, a cold, hard truth she hadn't fully recognized until now. His supposed loyalty to Voldemort was the only protection he had, the one thing that stood between them and disaster.

For that reason, she _had_ to stay married. She had to keep her relationship with Severus a secret while pretending m she was willing to give James what he wanted. So far, she'd found ways to put him off without outright refusing, but that couldn't last forever. What if she awoke one night to find him already inside her?

Even if he couldn't manage that, there were other ways. He was probably too ignorant to know about artificial insemination or other Muggle options, but the magical world had them, too. If he decided to research the subject, he'd find plenty of ways to make her conceive, at least two of which didn't even require penetration.

If that happened? She'd _truly_ be fucked.

* * *

Over the next few weeks, James made several more attempts to have sex with Lily. He tried getting drunk before bed, attempting to stimulate himself for several agonizing minutes. He was still clutching himself when he passed out, his body reeking of cheap Muggle whiskey.

"Revolting," Lily whispered as she climbed out of bed. She went downstairs and curled up on the couch, grateful that for once, she wouldn't have to worry what might happen when she fell asleep.

Unfortunately, that didn't last. The next night, James came to bed sober, falling asleep in a matter of minutes. He was still asleep when she felt him tugging at her knickers, clearly in the throes of some erotic dream.

"Mmm, Sirius…"

" _I'm not Sirius!_ "

Her furious whisper jarred him awake, his eyes widening as he looked down at himself. He was fully erect, harder than she'd ever seen him, his voice trembling with unfulfilled need.

"Wow," he said. "Maybe we can…"

This time was different. She quickly realized that, shocked as he reached out to fumble with her breast. He stroked himself with his other hand, obviously too far gone to care who she was. Before she could register what was happening, he'd eased her back onto her side, making another attempt to slide her underwear down over her hips.

"Wait," she said.

"For what?"

"Um… it's that time of the month. I mean, if you still want to, we can, but…"

She didn't need to finish. He'd already pulled away, still touching himself as he moved to the other side of the bed. He didn't even notice when she left the room, shutting herself in the bathroom with a sigh of relief.

* * *

"You know," James said a few days later. "Maybe we should try aphrodisiacs."

"I don't think that's a good idea."

"Why not? Wouldn't it make things easier?"

"Yes, but…" She hesitated, glad her knowledge of potions was far superior to his. "Are you sure you want to take that risk?"

"What risk?"

"You know, the dragon's blood."

"Dragon's blood?"

"Don't you remember that essay we wrote in sixth year?"

"Probably had Peter write it for me," he said with a shrug. "Anyway, what's wrong with dragon's blood?"

"Nothing if it comes from a Hungarian Horntail. Any other breed? There's a 50/50 chance the potion will have the opposite effect."

"So? If it doesn't work, we're no worse off than we were before."

"I guess not," she said, "as long as you don't mind waiting a few months before you can… you know…"

" _Months?!_ "

"Usually, yeah. I did read about a couple cases where it took years, but…"

"Nevermind," he said hastily. "We'll figure something else out."

* * *

Lily found countless ways to avoid having sex with James. Avoiding him in general? That was another matter entirely. He rarely left her side these days, even accompanying her on morning walks or the occasional trip to Diagon Alley.

Why? Was he still afraid she'd leave him? Or did he think that the close proximity would somehow make him more attracted to her? The latter seemed ridiculous, though to be fair, he _was_ desperate to get her pregnant. That was all he talked about anymore, increasingly obsessed with his numerous failures.

"What about Polyjuice?"

"What about it?"

"If you looked like Sirius…"

"That's insulting," she said. "Besides, it wouldn't work. I'd have male anatomy, remember?"

"Yeah," he said, his expression wistful. "Well, what about a glamour? Or maybe you could hit me with a Blinding Hex, or…"

"Ouch."

"I'm not trying to be rude. Really, I'm not. But if this is ever going to work…"

"Hey," she interrupted, "why don't you go to the pub tonight?"

"The _pub?_ " He blinked, obviously thrown by the change of subject.

"Yeah," she said. "It's been a while since you've seen your friends. Who knows? Maybe that would help."

"How could that possibly…"

"I think you've been putting too much pressure on yourself. If you could just relax, you know, have a bit of fun…"

"Right, I guess that makes sense."

She flashed him a brilliant smile, exhilarated by the thought of having an evening to herself. Unfortunately, her plan backfired spectacularly. He invited all three Marauders over for dinner, leaving her the unenviable job of cooking for them before they roped her into several games of Exploding Snaps. As soon as they left, he followed her upstairs, his expression filled with contentment as he crawled into bed beside her.

"You were right," he told her as he drifted off to sleep. "That was exactly what I needed."

* * *

" _I miss you, Severus._ "

" _I miss you, too,_ " the Patronus said as it appeared in the bathroom. " _When can I see you?_ "

 _"Whenever I can get away from James."_

" _He's keeping close tabs on you these days. Are you sure he doesn't know?_ "

" _About us? How could he? Anyway, it has nothing to do with that. He's…_ Lily hesitated, deciding it was best not to tell him that James was trying to get her pregnant. _I guess he's trying to fix our marriage. Trying to be more attentive, you know, be a better husband. I guess that's better than him ignoring me, but he takes it too far. I feel like I can't even have an hour or two to myself._ "

" _Why don't you slip him something?_ "

" _Severus! I'm not going to poison him!_ "

" _Of course not… though do let me know if you ever change your mind. For now, I'm merely suggesting a sleeping potion. Something that will knock him out for the evening. Nothing that will harm him, I assure you._ "

" _What do you suggest?_ "

" _I suggest_ ," Severus responded, " _that you check the rear garden_."

 _"When?"_

 _"Give me an hour."_

* * *

 _"Did you give him the potion?"_

 _"Yes. Worked like a charm."_

 _"Of course it did. I brewed it myself."_

Lily stared down at the Patronus, her lips twitching. _"How quickly can you get here?"_

 _"I've already arrived."_

She threw a cloak over her shoulders before she slipped out the back door, her heart pounding as she hurried toward the rear garden. A tall figure separated itself from the shadows, a sharply inhaled breath reaching her ears as she drew near.

"Severus…"

He swept her into his arms, kissing her fiercely. It was the first time they'd seen each other in nearly two months, August heat replaced by an early October chill. At the moment, she hardly noticed the cold, the heat from his body wrapping around her like a blanket.

"Kiss me again."

Without hesitation, he obeyed, his arousal blatantly obvious as he pressed himself against her. Before she realized what she was doing, she had his trousers unzipped, using her other hand to unfasten her cloak.

"Are you sure we should…"

"Probably not," she whispered. "But if you can be quick about it…"

" _Muffliato_."

He yanked up her nightgown, tossing her underwear aside as he backed her against the fence. She hadn't realized he could be so aggressive, gasping as he lifted her off the ground. There was nothing to do but submit, her legs wrapped tight around his waist as he plunged himself inside her. His thrusts were hard and swift, almost brutal in their intensity, making her quiver from head to toe as she clung to him in the darkness.

"God, Severus…"

"Too much?" he managed to rasp out.

"No. Don't stop. I…"

She trailed off on a whimper, wave after wave of pleasure shuddering through her. He finished soon thereafter, a low groan emerging from somewhere deep in his chest as he buried his face in her hair.

"I have to go," she said as soon as they'd both had a chance to recover. "I'm sorry I can't…"

"Don't apologize. Here, take this."

He handed her a vial, retrieving her cloak from the ground and wrapping it around her shoulders.

"I'll see you soon," she whispered, rising up on her tiptoes to kiss him goodbye.

"I hope so."

* * *

Fortunately, James had no idea that Lily had given him sleeping potion. He remained clueless, giving her the courage to dose him again a few days later.

"Severus?"

"I'm here."

This time, he'd spread his cloak on the ground, the pitch dark of a moonless night shielding them from view. That darkness created an illusion of safety, her senses dominated by the sound of his voice, the smell of his skin, the exquisite feeling of him moving inside her, filling her completely. She forgot about the rest of the world, at least for a while, moaning softly in response to his slow, deep thrusts.

She wanted to stay like that forever, or at least for the next few hours. James wouldn't be waking up anytime soon, and besides…

"Fuck."

There was an edge to Severus's voice, one that had nothing to do with his state of arousal. He let out a low hiss, his muscles tensing as his hips grew still.

"What's wrong?"

"I'm being summoned."

She expected him to withdraw. Instead, he started moving again, filled with a newfound sense of urgency. She heard him curse under his breath, pleasure mingled with pain, his body slick with sweat until finally, _finally_ …

" _Fuck!_ "

His pain seemed to recede, at least for the moment, his relief almost palpable as he slumped against her. She held him close, desperate to make the most of the few precious minutes they had left.

"Bloody hell," he said, lifting his head to glare at his forearm.

"You'd better go."

"I don't want to."

"I know."

"Oh," he said, withdrawing a vial from the pocket of his cloak. "I almost forgot."

She swallowed the contraceptive potion, resisting the urge to cry as she watched him dress. One quick kiss and he was gone, leaving her no choice but to carry on with the life she'd been trying so hard to forget.

* * *

Just before Halloween, an owl swooped through the window. Lily unfurled the message with a flick of her wrist, her eyes widening as she read what it contained.

"What's that?" James said as he wandered into the room.

"It says that You-Know-Who's headquarters have been located. The Order is gathering for an ambush."

"Where?"

"Do you remember that house? The old abandoned one where he tried to recruit us?"

" _That's_ where he's been hiding?"

"I guess so."

She handed him the note, not surprised when his eyes lit up with excitement. It had been months since they'd done any work for the Order, both of them desperate to feel useful.

"Bloody fantastic!"

"Well," she said, "I wouldn't say that."

"Why not?"

Obviously, she couldn't tell him the truth. What would he say if he knew she was worried about Severus, terrified that she'd end up fighting against him? Of course, she'd never hurt him intentionally, but if he was wearing a mask…

"I just…" She hesitated, giving her head a little shake. "I hope none of us get hurt."

"Oh, some of us will," James said almost cheerfully. "You can be sure of that. Anyway, you know what this means, don't you?"

"What's that?"

"If Dumbledore knows where they're hiding, we might be able to put an end to this bloody war."

For the first time, Lily began to feel excited, too. Just to imagine what that would mean, the freedom she would have if Voldemort was defeated? She'd be able to annul her marriage, free to move on with her life however she saw fit. She could even get a job, without having to worry that her Muggleborn status would limit her options or place her in danger. She'd be able to rent a little flat, perhaps even move in with Severus.

Severus…

If they both survived, she'd find a way to free him, too. She'd plead with Dumbledore if she had to, or… well, she'd just have to figure it out when the time came. Either way, there was one thing she knew for certain: he sure as hell wasn't going to Azkaban.

"Ready?" James said.

She nodded, reaching for her cloak. "Let's go."

* * *

Unlike last time, they didn't Apparate directly to the house. Dumbledore had instructed the Order to meet at a safe distance, their presence concealed by a thicket of trees.

"Welcome," he said. "I presume that all of you are ready to fight?"

"Hell yes!"

"Thank you, Mr. Black. I appreciate your enthusiasm."

Sirius smirked, moving to stand next to James. "Good to see you, mate."

"You, too."

"I watch your back, you watch mine?"

"Of course."

"Actually," Dumbledore said, "I'll need all of you to split up. I've had no indication that Lord Voldemort is aware of our plans, but we can't be too careful. He'll likely have sentries positioned around the house – we'll want to make sure they're incapacitated so they won't be able to warn him of our approach."

"Incapacitate?" James said. "You don't want us to kill them?"

"If it's a matter of your life or theirs, then do what you must. If it's possible to spare them, however, I'd prefer that you do so."

"Filthy Death Eaters," Sirius grumbled. "Why shouldn't we…"

"Because," Lily said, effectively cutting him off. "They're more valuable to us alive."

Dumbledore nodded. "Precisely right, Mrs. Potter. Winning a battle has little to do with how many enemies you kill. In most cases, it's rather more nuanced than that."

"Where's he hiding, anyway?" asked one of the other Order members. "I thought that house was abandoned."

"So did I," Dumbledore said. "But according to my source, the basement has been converted into suitable headquarters. One way in, one way out – clever of him, wouldn't you agree?"

James frowned. "If there's only one entrance, they'll be able to pick us off…"

"One entrance," Dumbledore interrupted, "and one exit. We'll have to lure them out."

"How?"

"We'll cross that bridge when we come to it. In the meantime, let's take care of those sentries."

Lily withdrew her wand, clutching it tightly as she headed deeper into the woods. She could hardly see where she was going, her world pitch black other than an occasional shaft of moonlight. Resisting the urge to cast Lumos, she aimed a silencing charm at her feet, careful not to reveal her location.

" _Stupefy!_ "

The shout came from somewhere to her right, though it wasn't directed at her. Glaring red light illuminated the forest, followed by the crash of a body hitting the ground. Order member or Death Eater? She couldn't be sure, though she was relieved that the target hadn't been killed.

Suddenly, there was no shortage of light. Flurries of spells flew from every direction, darkness replaced by a full spectrum of color. Noise filled her ears with the fury of a thunderstorm, screams and shouts and curses, the awful cracking of trees as they were blasted apart. Swallowing her panic, she lifted her wand, aiming it at a hooded figure as it appeared on the path in front of her.

" _Expelliarmus!_ "

The spell worked, though not as she'd intended. The Death Eater flew backward, his head smacking against a jagged outcropping of rock. She moved a little closer, horrified as an impossible amount of blood pooled on the ground around her feet.

He was dead. He had to be. But who was he? She needed to know.

"Not Severus," she whispered, leaning down to remove the mask. "Please."

Too late, she recognized her mistake. She heard a rustle of leaves behind her, gasping as something hot and sharp sliced into her back. Losing her grip on her wand, she hit the ground hard, unable to defend herself as the Death Eater slashed at her a second time. She felt blood soaking through her clothes, struggling to remain conscious as a second Death Eater stepped into her line of vision.

" _Sectumsemp…_ "

" _Avada Kedavra!_ "

* * *

Lily opened her eyes, blinking furiously as she took in her surroundings. She was lying in an unfamiliar bed, surrounded by furniture she'd never seen. Where was she? And how the bloody hell had she gotten there?

She sat up, gasping as she stared down at herself. Not only was she naked, but she appeared to be freshly bathed. She could smell soap on her skin, a spicy, strangely familiar fragrance. What…

Suddenly, it all came back, memories flooding through her as she spotted several objects on the bedside table. Jars of ointment. A pile of bloody rags. Her own wand, which she remembered dropping when the Death Eater cut her down. She cringed, remembering the agony she'd felt when he'd sliced her open. Following that, her recollections were hazy, a flash of green light followed by darkness.

"Ah, you're awake."

 _"Severus?"_

She turned her head, her eyes widening as they met his. He was sitting in an armchair on the other side of the bed, his face pale with fatigue.

"I'm not dead." The observation was stupidly obvious, but it was the only thing she could think of to say.

"No, you're most certainly not."

"But he… he cut me. He hit me with the Killing Curse."

Severus shook his head. "He didn't cast that curse. I did."

"You killed him?"

"Yes."

"And then you…"

"I took you away from there, brought you here to Spinner's End. You were deeply unconscious by then, barely breathing… I was afraid it was too late. So much blood…" He trailed off, his expression haunted. "To think I might've been responsible for…"

"You weren't the one who cursed me."

"No," he said. "But I invented the spell. Fortunately, I also invented the counterspell."

"You healed me."

"Yes."

"How bad was it?"

"Bad," he said quietly. "Your back was sliced to bits along with deep slashes on your thighs and stomach. He caught you across the chest, and even your face…"

She lifted the blanket, taking another look at herself. There was no sign that she'd been injured, her skin smooth and unblemished.

"No scars?"

"I made sure there wouldn't be."

"Thank you."

"Bloody hell, don't thank…" He sighed, giving his head a little shake. "How are you feeling now?"

"Thirsty," she said. "A bit hungry, too. Other than that? I feel fine."

He nodded. "I'll get you something to eat."

She waited for him to leave before she ducked into the bathroom, feeling like she hadn't relieved herself in days. Of course, she knew it hadn't been _that_ long – a quick glance at the clock told her it was just after 3 AM. She could afford to stay for a few more hours, couldn't she? She'd just tell James…

James. What had happened to James?

"Severus?" she said, relieved he'd chosen that moment to return. "The battle… was anyone…"

Setting a tray in front of her, he poured her a glass of pumpkin juice. "Potter is fine, if that's what you're asking. There were only minor injuries, with the exception of…"

"I killed someone."

"So did I."

"Do you know who they were?"

"No one you should lose any sleep over, I assure you. The one you killed was quite fond of murdering children."

"And the other?"

"You don't want to know."

"What's worse than murdering children?"

"If I hadn't come along when I did…" He shook his head. "Nevermind. The point is that they're dead and good riddance to them both."

She hesitated, taking a bite of her sandwich. "So they never made it to headquarters then? The Order, I mean."

"Headquarters? The Dark Lord has no permanent headquarters. There are more than a dozen places where he chooses to hold meetings – not even his followers can predict where he'll be at any given time."

"But the house…"

"He hasn't used that location in months."

"But he knew we were coming?"

"Naturally."

"How is that possible? Do you think there's a…"

"A traitor in your midst?" Severus said as he joined her on the bed. "Yes, I do. I wouldn't trust anyone with your secrets. Don't give them information unless it's absolutely necessary to do so. Even if it's someone you _think_ you can trust… "

"People aren't always what they seem."

"Precisely."

She sighed, her mind conjuring up an image of James. She knew how much it could hurt to trust the wrong person, had felt the consequences of having that trust betrayed. Her lapse in judgment had condemned her to a loveless marriage, one she couldn't hope to escape anytime soon. Of course, things would be different after the war, but how much longer would she have to wait?

"What's wrong?" Severus said, his voice quiet.

"I'm just… I'm so tired of living this way."

"I know."

He wrapped her in his arms, holding her close as she rested her head on his shoulder. She didn't know how it had happened, but he'd become her primary source of comfort, a single ray of hope in an otherwise dismal existence. How had she ever fooled herself into believing he was her enemy? He could've betrayed her a thousand times and he hadn't. Instead, he'd risked his life time and again for her sake, whether that was showing up in James's backyard or defending her in a battle where he might've easily blown his cover. He had to have known what was at stake when he'd killed that Death Eater, but obviously, it hadn't mattered. He'd been willing to risk everything to save her, would've died for her if need be.

"Severus?"

"Hmmm?

"I love you."

"I love you, too."

"Thank you for saving my life."

"I saved us both."

With that, he lowered his head, covering her mouth with his. The kiss was gentle, though that was quickly replaced by an intensity that took her breath away. It was as if they were trying to communicate everything they'd ever felt for each other, a thousand things that couldn't be fully expressed through words. Love and fear, frustration and loss and hope, underscored by desperation. Desperate to be together. Desperate for the war to end. Desperate to free themselves from a past that shackled them both, to escape to a world that was purely their own.

Escape they did, at least for a little while. She forgot about everything but the taste of his lips, the touch of his hands, the way his body felt against hers. Closing her eyes, she surrendered completely, whispering his name like a prayer. He seemed to understand what she needed, his lips alighting tiny fires along the curve of her neck before he moved lower, drawing her nipple into his mouth.

"Please…"

In response, he dipped his head, long hair tickling her stomach as he kissed her navel. She held her breath, quivering with anticipation as he moved lower, lower, her thighs falling apart as he buried his face between them. She arched her back, moaning helplessly as he teased her with the tip of his tongue.

"Right there, Severus. Yes…"

She lost herself in a haze of pleasure, unable to utter more than wordless cries as her head fell back against the pillow. He didn't stop until she was satisfied, her body still trembling as she opened her eyes to find him poised above her. He kissed her then, hot and fierce, reaching down to position himself as he whimpered against her mouth.

"Lily…"

"I know."

Lifting her legs to give him better access, she moaned in response to his swift, pounding thrusts. He was beyond any thought of restraint, beyond anything but the need for release. It didn't take him long, his harsh pants giving way to a series of shuddering groans. She cried out at the exact same moment, feeling him pulse within her as her body quivered in response.

"That was…"

"Perfect," she finished for him, reaching up to brush the damp hair away from his forehead.

"To say the least."

He shifted to one side, pulling her into his arms as their heartbeats gradually slowed. She wished they could stay that way forever, but there was no ignoring the clock on the wall, nor the faint gray light that now spilled across the bed.

"It's 6:30," she said, letting out a heavy sigh. "I'd better go."

"What will you tell him?"

She shrugged. "I'm only a few hours late. I'll just say that one of the Death Eaters led me on a bit of a chase."

"A few _hours?_ Lily, you… you've been here for two days."

" _What?!_ Why didn't you tell me?"

"I thought you knew."

"How the bloody hell was I supposed to know? I was _unconscious!_ "

"You're right. I'm sorry, I wasn't thinking…"

"Where are my clothes?"

"Destroyed in the battle."

"Great," she said. "Not only do I have to explain where I've been, but I also have to come up with an excuse as to why my clothes are gone? What am I supposed to…"

Severus rose from the bed, retrieving his discarded shirt from the floor. He transfigured a cloak that somewhat resembled the one she'd lost, muttering an apology as he wrapped it around her shoulders. He obviously felt terrible, though unfortunately, she didn't have time to reassure him. Her lengthy absence placed both of them in danger – she had to get home and try to mitigate the damage.

"Closest Apparition point?"

"This way."

He led her outside, pointing at a scrubby patch of grass near the back fence. She reached it before he did, her heart pounding as she glanced back over her shoulder.

"I… I guess I'll see you later."

"Wait! Take this."

She shoved the vial in her pocket, closing her eyes against a dizzying swirl of shapes and colors. The next thing she knew, she was standing in the Potters' rear garden, swallowing her panic as she slipped through the back door.

"Ah, I've been wondering when you were planning to come back. Or _if_ , I should say."

James was waiting for her in the kitchen, clutching a half empty bottle of Firewhiskey. He lifted it to his lips, taking a long swig before he slammed it on the counter.

"I'm sorry," she said. "I know you must've been worried. I can explain."

"Can you? Then by all means, go ahead."

"I was…"

"Off shagging a Death Eater? Yeah, I already know that part."

" _What did you say?_ "

"And not just any Death Eater," he said, pausing to take another drink. "Snape."


	9. Damage

**Damage**

* * *

"Severus?" Lily shook her head. "That's ridiculous."

"I would've thought so, too. When Peter first told me…"

" _Peter?_ I haven't even _seen_ him since…"

"Since the morning after we had that fight," James said. "I sent him to grab some clothes, remember?"

"Okay, but what does that have to do with…"

"Snivellus? Quite a lot, as it turns out."

For once, Lily didn't object to the nickname. She sank into the closest chair, not trusting her trembling legs to hold her upright.

"I didn't even see Peter when he was here. I was asleep in my room, so whatever he _thought_ he saw…"

"Smelled."

"What?"

"Smelled," James repeated. "Rats have keen senses, you know."

"He… he wasn't in his Animagus form. I heard him come in, heard him leave, I…"

"That morning, yes. But not the night before."

Panic rose in Lily's throat, her stomach churning with nausea. She took a deep breath, her voice emerging as a faint whisper.

"What are you saying?"

"I had to make sure you wouldn't leave," James said, "or do anything stupid. Sirius and I were busy with Remus's transformation, but Peter… he's more useful for other things."

"You sent him here to _spy_ on me?"

"It's a good thing I did, wouldn't you say? Otherwise, I might've never known."

"Known _what?_ " she shot back.

"That you were fucking Snivellus."

"I didn't _fuck_ …"

"I know for a fact he was here that night, so don't try to tell me…"

"Fine," she interrupted. "He was here, okay? I asked him to come over, just to talk. I wanted to apologize…"

"Wanted to do a lot more than that, apparently."

"No."

"No?" James echoed. "Then why were the two of you shut up in your bedroom all night?"

"We were talking," she said. "I just _told_ you that. Yes, we were in my room, but I… I was afraid you'd come home. Knowing how spiteful you can be, I wanted to make sure he could escape if…"

"Liar."

"What makes you think I'm…"

"You and Snivellus weren't alone in that room," James interrupted, his eyes gleaming with triumph. "Peter was there, too."

For a second, Lily thought she might faint. Her vision grew dark around the edges, the room teetering precariously as she struggled to get her bearings.

"You…" She paused, forcing herself to take a deep breath. "You didn't…"

"Death Eaters sneaking into my house in the middle of the night? What else was I supposed to do?"

"I… I think I'm going to be sick."

"Yeah," James said. "I felt the same way when Peter described what he'd seen. Still, we should probably go over the details, just in case you still don't believe…"

"No! Please, no, just… give me a minute."

To her surprise, he made no attempt to stop her. She fled from the kitchen, knocking her chair over in her haste to get to the bathroom.

She'd expected to vomit, though that urge passed as soon as she'd warded the door behind her. Instead, she felt an intense, overwhelming need to take a shower, stripping off her clothes before she plunged herself beneath a stream of scalding hot water.

That night… she could still picture it, Severus watching her hungrily as she'd stood at the foot of the bed.

 _"Shall I take off the rest?"_

He wasn't the only one who'd heard those words. Peter had heard them, too. He'd been watching as she'd undressed, exposing every inch of her body beneath the candlelight.

Lily scrubbed herself harder, wishing she could block out the rest. The way she'd pleasured Severus with her mouth, whimpering his name as she'd taken him inside her… those memories were precious, though intensely private. Just the thought that someone else had been there…

She'd never felt more violated. Unfortunately, that was the _least_ of her problems.

"Almost done in there?"

"Just about!"

Lily stepped out of the shower, reaching for her wand. She cast a Calming Charm, feeling a bit more settled as she summoned clothes from her bedroom. Naturally, she was still upset… angry, frightened, dreading the conversation to come. But at least she could think clearly now, taking a deep breath as she headed downstairs.

"Shower?" James said, smirking as he noticed her wet hair. "Don't blame you, really. If Snivellus had put his filthy hands all over me…"

"What did Peter see? Tell me everything."

"If you insist."

Listening to James's version wasn't easy, an act of love twisted into something disgusting and wrong. Still, she breathed a sigh of relief, realizing that Peter had left as soon as it was over. He hadn't been there to hear the conversation that followed, words that were far more revealing than anything physical she and Severus had done.

"James," she said as the room grew quiet. "There's something I still don't understand."

"What's that?"

"If you knew he was here, what we were doing… why didn't you…"

"Why didn't I come back and catch you in the act?"

"Yeah."

"Oh, I thought about it," he said. "Quite a lot, actually. Decided it would be better to pretend I didn't know."

"Why?" Lily asked, though deep down, she already knew the answer.

"Because you were afraid of me finding out. As long as that was the case, you'd do whatever it took to keep up the facade, even if that meant…"

"Having a baby?"

He nodded.

"So that's why you hardly let me out of your sight for months," she said, "why you were so obsessed with getting me pregnant."

"Well, that _is_ why I married you. You know how important it is for me to pass on my family's name."

"Yes, but it wasn't just that, was it?"

"What do you mean?"

"You wanted to get even with Severus, and with me, too. If I'd gotten pregnant… you must've known how much that would hurt him."

James didn't respond. He didn't need to. His expression told her everything she needed to know, self-righteousness mingled with satisfaction.

"That's why you didn't come back that morning," she said, "why you didn't hex him or call the Order. You wanted to drag it out, didn't you? _Really_ make him suffer."

"You're my wife, Lily, or have you forgotten? He had no right to take what's mine."

" _You don't own me, James!_ " she shouted. "I would've never married you in the first place if I'd known…"

This conversation was getting them nowhere. Lily realized that, burying her head in her hands as she struggled to collect her thoughts. Finally, she took a deep breath, lifting her eyes to his.

"How did you know I was with him?"

"Haven't we been through this already? I sent Peter…"

"No, after the battle. Did you just assume, or…"

"Tracking charm."

" _Tracking charm?_ " Her eyes widened. " _What_ tracking charm?"

"Spinner's End," he said, retrieving a scrap of parchment from his pocket. "Cokeworth. Seems the house was originally purchased by someone named Tobias Snape. Ring any bells?"

 _He knew where Severus lived. Dear god…_

"James, please. He's not who you think he is."

"So he's _not_ a Death Eater?"

"He… he doesn't want to be. Not anymore."

" _That's_ what he told you? I can't believe he tricked you into…"

"He's not the one who tricked me," she snapped. "You did! How dare you treat me like this, acting like _I'm_ the one who's done something wrong when _you_ …"

" _He's a bloody Death Eater!_ "

"He's a better man than you'll ever be!"

For a second, she thought James was going to hit her. Instead, he snatched the bottle off the table, downing the last bit of Firewhiskey.

"This has to stop. You and Snivellus, whatever madness this is… it has to stop."

She hesitated, taking a deep breath. "I don't want it to stop."

"You're married to _me!_ "

"Fine," she said. "Let's get an annulment then."

"No."

"Why not? You don't love me. I sure as hell don't love you either, so…"

"I don't want a bloody annulment."

"Okay," she said, hating the desperation in her voice. "We'll stay married if that's what you want, but can't we stop lying to ourselves? Let's face it – we both want to be with other people."

"So?"

"So why can't we work out an arrangement? You and Sirius, me and…"

"Risk everyone finding out that I'm being cuckolded by Severus _Snape?!_ No fucking way."

"We'll be discreet. We can…"

"You can end it. That's the only option I'll accept."

"And if I refuse?"

"If you refuse," James said, "I'll give his address to the Order. I'm sure they'd love to capture a known Death Eater, especially when he's alone and vulnerable."

She shook her head. "They don't know for sure…"

"No, but they will. Assuming he was stupid enough to take the Dark Mark, that's all the proof they'll need."

Lily stared at him in silence, chills skittering up her spine. If she ended her relationship with Severus, would that really be enough to keep him safe? She wanted to think so, yet she couldn't help remembering those last few years at Hogwarts.

 _"Leave him alone. What's he done to you?"_

 _"Well, it's more the fact that he exists, if you know what I mean…"_

It didn't matter that James had driven her and Severus apart, nor that he'd gotten everything he'd wanted. He'd never stopped torturing him, all while pretending he'd outgrown such vicious behavior.

This time would be no different. Deep down, Lily knew that, her eyes filling with tears as she looked at her husband.

"James," she whispered. "Why do you have to be so cruel?"

"Protecting my wife from a Death Eater? If that's cruel…"

"This has nothing to do with protecting me. You're _hurting_ me! Why, James? Why can't you just leave him alone?"

"Because he's evil. You can't see that, but I can."

"Fine," she said, her voice catching on a sob. "What do I have to do?"

"Break it off. Never see him again."

"Yes, but what do I have to do to keep him _safe?_ "

James shrugged. "Break it off and I'll leave him alone."

"I don't believe you."

"Why not?"

" _Because you're a bloody liar!_ " she shouted. "You promised to leave him alone before and what did you do? You attacked him in the forest. You stripped his clothes off and left him petrified in the hallway! Now you expect me to believe you'll just let this go? Please."

"I swear I won't…"

"No," she said. "I don't want to hear it. What I want is a guarantee."

"What are you suggesting?"

"Unbreakable Vow."

To her surprise, he didn't shrink from the idea. Instead, he fell silent, his expression thoughtful as he twirled his wand between his fingers.

"If I agree to this," he said a few minutes later, "you'll have all the power. What's to stop you from shagging him anytime you want?"

"Unlike you, I know how to keep a promise. If you stay away from him, I will, too."

He shook his head. "Not good enough."

Lily knew there was one way out of this situation, the _only_ way she could hope to guarantee Severus's safety. Just the thought of it was enough to break her heart, but what choice did she have? She loved him too much to subject him to James's hatred, even if that meant giving him up.

"All right," she said quietly. "I'll take the Vow."

"Really?"

"Yes."

He nodded. "I'll send an owl to Sirius."

"Does he…" She trailed off, shaking her head. "Of course he knows. Anyone else?"

"Just Peter. He's been sworn to secrecy."

"I'm not worried about Peter, but Sirius… he'll have to take the Vow, too."

"He might not want to do that."

"Convince him," she said. "Otherwise, I won't go through with it."

* * *

Lily sat at the kitchen table, her hands shaking as she reached for quill and parchment. James had agreed to let her write a goodbye letter, probably because he knew how much it would hurt Severus to receive it.

Of course, that was also why he'd chosen to take the Unbreakable Vow. The chance to permanently destroy their relationship, depriving Severus of the only person he truly loved? James couldn't pass on an opportunity like that, even if it meant making a few sacrifices of his own. Whatever it took to win, to prove that…

Honestly, Lily didn't know _what_ he was trying to prove. She couldn't bring herself to care either, her heart aching as she dipped her quill in the inkpot.

 _Dear Severus…_

"Be careful what you say. He needs to believe this is your choice."

"I know."

It took more than an hour to finish, and even then, she wasn't happy with what she'd written. Nonetheless, she handed it to James, watching him nod in approval as he scanned the contents.

"Right," he said. "Let's go ahead and send it."

"This is wrong," she whispered, tears blurring her vision. "James, please…"

"It'll be all right, Lils," Sirius said as he joined them at the table. "I know it's hard to see that, but whatever potion he gave you, whatever spell he cast… it'll wear off. In the meantime, we're just trying to keep you safe."

"I don't need you to keep me _safe!_ What I _need_ is…"

She didn't bother to finish. What was the point? Neither of them gave a damn what she thought or felt or believed. They never had, both equally convinced that Severus was evil while they were brave and righteous and good. That level of arrogance left no room for compassion, no consideration for any viewpoint that differed from theirs.

Their arrogance was painful, yes, but it was also dangerous. She had to make sure Severus was protected, even if that meant…

"Ready?" James said.

"Yes."

He clasped her arm, his eyes fixed on hers as Sirius lifted his wand.

"Will you, James Potter, promise to inflict no injury on Severus Snape?"

"I will."

She held her breath, watching as the fiery ribbon wound its way around their arms.

"Will you swear that you will not encourage anyone else to harm him?"

"I will."

A second streak of light shot from the tip of Sirius's wand, joining the first.

"And will you vow to keep any personal information about him to yourself, revealing nothing that might place him in danger?"

James hesitated, letting out a heavy sigh.

"I will."

The third rope of flame glowed so bright it was almost blinding, entwining around their wrists. Gradually, the light faded, a sense of completion hovering in the air as Sirius lowered his wand.

"Your turn."

"Actually," she said. "I've changed my mind."

" _What?!_ "

"You heard me."

"But… you swore you'd do it! It was supposed to be me then you, then…"

"Me," Sirius finished for him. "I'm not taking the vow until you do."

"Oh no," she said. "I'll take the Vow. But it won't be permanent."

James sputtered, his face turning an unflattering shade of red. "You agreed…"

"Either it expires after a reasonable length of time, or I won't do it. It's not like I have to worry about you hurting him."

"Sirius can still…"

Lily shrugged. "I'm not worried about him either."

Sirius narrowed his eyes. "If you think I won't…"

"No," she said, "I don't think you will. You want to know why? Because I can get to Severus a hell of a lot faster than you can."

"What are you saying?"

"You might have his address, but I can reach him at a moment's notice no matter where he is. If I have the vaguest inkling, even the slightest _hint_ that you're planning to hurt him, I'll call him down on James. And what will happen then? If James is alone, unable to defend himself without breaking his Vow…"

"You wouldn't," James whispered.

"Oh, I would. I'll do whatever it takes to keep Severus safe."

"You'd betray your husband for the sake of a Death Eater?" Sirius shook his head.

"I'd choose a man who loves me over one who doesn't, if that's what you're asking. Anyway, it doesn't matter. Agree to my terms and you'll never have to worry about me betraying anyone."

"Fine," James snapped. "10 years."

"One year."

He shook his head. "No bloody way."

"Two years."

"Five," he shot back.

"Three," she replied. "I'm not going any higher than that."

"Three years?" Sirius said. "I doubt he'll survive that long. Even if he does, he'll probably wind up in Azkaban."

"Yeah, you're probably right." James sighed, reaching down to grip Lily's arm. "Okay, let's get this over with."

Swallowing past her tears, Lily watched the first band of light spring from the tip of James's wand. Painful though it was, she knew she was doing the right thing, sacrificing her present for the hope of a better future. Once Sirius took his Vow, neither he or James would ever be able to hurt Severus again. That was worth three years, wasn't it?

Of course it was.

In three years, the war would surely be over. Not only that, but her Vow could easily tip the odds in Severus's favor. Two of the Order's best fighters would be unable to attack him. They couldn't expose his whereabouts or reveal any information that might place him in danger. The Vow might also keep him out of Azkaban… after all, neither James or Sirius would be able to contradict her if she spoke in his defense.

After that? Well, who knew what would happen? Didn't matter, really, as long as she and Severus were free.

"Ready?"

Sirius nodded as she took his arm, both of them waiting for James to lift his wand.

"Will you, Sirius Black, promise to inflict no injury on Severus Snape?"

He agreed to the vows without protest, a trio of fiery ribbons locking tight around their wrists. Lily watched them fade, feeling as if a great weight had been lifted off her shoulders. He really was powerless now, just as James was, the two of them seeming much more benign as they left the room.

As for her own vows…

 _"Will you, Lily Evans Potter, promise not to contact Severus Snape for the next three years?"_

 _"I will."_

 _"And will you vow not to respond to any messages from him until three years have passed?"_

 _"I will."_

" _And will you swear that you'll make no attempt to see him?_ "

James had tried to trap her with that last one, but she'd caught it just in time. Shaking her head, she'd waited for him to add the caveat.

 _"Will you swear that you'll make no attempt to see him for the next three years?"_

 _"I will."_

* * *

 _Dear Severus,_

 _I have to stop seeing you. I'm sorry to put it so bluntly, but I know this is the right thing to do._

 _We've both been fooling ourselves. I realize that now. We can't pretend that the last few years never happened, that we're not bound to the paths we've chosen._

 _I'm sorry, Severus. I never meant to mislead you. I don't want to mislead you in the future either, which is why I have to let you go. I have to do what is right, what's necessary, which means I can't keep betraying my marriage vows. I don't know what will happen in the long run, but for now, I must honor my commitment to James._

 _I won't ask you to wish me luck. That wouldn't be fair. I can only ask your forgiveness, though I know I have no right to expect it._

 _Sincerely,_  
 _Lily Evans Potter_

Dropping the letter, Severus buried his face in his hands. He stayed that way for several minutes, struggling to process what he'd just read.

 _I have to stop seeing you._

Was he surprised that she'd been having doubts about their relationship? No, not really. The secrecy, the danger, all the complications… he would've understood if she'd said she wanted to slow down or be more careful, or…

But to say that she didn't want to see him at all, claiming that she wanted to work on her marriage instead? That part rang hollow. He'd heard the contempt in her voice when she'd spoken of Potter, had seen the relief in her eyes when she'd talked about leaving him.

What had changed?

Shaking his head, Severus retrieved the letter from the floor. The second readthrough was equally painful, though several things stood out to him. Bound to the paths they'd chosen? Doing what was right? That didn't sound like she was madly in love with Potter. No, it was far more likely that she'd had a crisis of conscience. And why not? She'd made a commitment, after all, something she'd always taken quite seriously.

The more he thought about it, the more this theory made sense. He'd never known Lily to go back on her word unless she felt she had no other choice. Was this really so different? If she felt she owed it to Potter to give it one last try… well, she wouldn't feel right about herself until she'd done so.

Glancing at the letter one more time, Severus picked up on something that made him feel infinitely better.

 _I don't know what will happen in the long run, but for now…_

Deep down, she knew it was a lost cause. She might not have said so, but it wasn't difficult to read between the lines. She wasn't ending their relationship. No, she was asking him to put it on hold, giving her the space she needed to close the door on her previous commitment.

Was that so unreasonable? If he could just be patient…

Summoning his wand, Severus twirled it in a familiar motion.

" _Expecto Patronum!_ "

* * *

" _If you need me,_ " the doe said as it appeared in Lily's room, " _you know where to find me. Otherwise, I will respect your wishes._ "


	10. Ruse

**Ruse**

* * *

Lily stared at her reflection, watching the color drain from her face. Pregnant? How was that possible? She'd always been so careful.

Well, _almost_ always.

She'd meant to take the potion. Really, she had. But it had slipped her mind during that awful fight with James, replaced by the urgent need to protect Severus. She'd forced herself to go through with that bloody Vow, telling herself it would be worth it in the long run. Still, that hadn't stopped her heart from breaking, tears soaking her pillow as she'd lain in bed that night.

" _If you need me, you know where to find me. Otherwise, I will respect your wishes._ "

The Patronus had taken her by surprise, lingering beside her as if waiting for a response.

 _I need you,_ she'd wanted to say. _I need you right now._

Shaking her head, she'd forced herself to put her wand back down. Those words would have to remain unspoken, at least for the next three years. Whatever happened to him… to her… they'd both have to face it on their own.

No, she hadn't remembered to take the potion that night. She hadn't thought about it the next morning either, sorrow replaced by fury. James. It was all James's fault. If he hadn't been so vicious, so hateful, none of this would've happened. If he hadn't bullied Severus, hadn't driven them apart, hadn't manipulated her into believing…

There were countless "ifs", though they all amounted to the same thing. James Potter had ruined her bloody life.

Of course, it wouldn't be that way forever. She'd made sure of that. But to think that she had to live this way for the next three years, forced to look at his smug, self-satisfied face day in and day out…

She'd _hated_ him in that moment, despised him so much she could've hexed him on the spot. Instead, she'd stalked right past him, summoning her jacket and a pair of shoes.

"I'm going out."

"Okay," he'd said, not bothering to glance up from his breakfast.

"Don't you want to know where I'll be?"

"I know where you _won't_ be. That's all that matters."

She hadn't bothered to respond, desperate to put as much distance between them as possible. It was either that or kill him – unfortunately, the latter wasn't an option.

After that first morning, she'd gone out nearly every day. She'd visited Diagon Alley, browsed Muggle shops in London and beyond. She'd even headed up to Hogwarts, watching from a distance as a handful of students wandered across the grounds. She never stayed home… not unless she knew for sure that James wasn't going to be there.

"Sirius wants to head over to Paris," he told her a couple weeks later. "We'll be back on Monday."

"Fine."

Of course, he didn't hide _his_ affair. Not anymore. He didn't even bother to cast Muffliato, her sleep interrupted by hours of groaning and cursing whenever Sirius stayed over. Honestly, she couldn't bring herself to care. Anything was better than having him in _her_ bed, forced to endure his bungled attempts to get her pregnant.

 _Pregnant_.

She'd waited for the two of them to leave that morning, glad for the opportunity to do some much needed cleaning. Gathering up her dirty clothes, she'd frowned as a small object had fallen out of one of the pockets.

The vial shattered all over the floor, though that didn't matter. Nearly three weeks since Severus had given her the potion… it was useless to her now.

Still, she hadn't panicked. She'd cleaned up the mess instead, putting it from her mind as she'd scoured the house from top to bottom. It only came back to her when she decided to take a bath, a momentary distortion flashing before her eyes as she undressed in front of the mirror. Her body looked the same as it always had, yet she could _almost_ picture…

No. That wasn't possible. _One_ time? Really, what were the odds? She forced herself to turn away from her reflection, running a hand across the flat contours of her stomach as she crawled into the tub.

A moment later, she was standing in front of the mirror again, shaking her head as she reached for her wand. Silly. Nonsensical. Downright paranoid, really. Still, she supposed there was no harm in putting her mind at ease.

No, she hadn't panicked. Not until she'd seen the telltale red sparks emerging from the tip of her wand. Even then, she'd forced herself to take a deep breath, careful with her pronunciation as she spoke the incantation again.

She cast the charm a third time, though of course, it was pointless to do so. Another flurry of sparks cascaded to the floor, leaving her white faced and shaking as she stared at her reflection. She felt faint, realizing that the illusion she'd seen before was no illusion at all. No, it was how her body would look in just a few short months, her breasts swollen, belly growing larger by the day.

Unless…

There was a potion that could terminate unwanted pregnancies. She even knew how to make it, something she'd remembered throughout all James's failed attempts. But even as it crossed her mind, she knew she couldn't go through with it. This pregnancy was unexpected, to say the least, but certainly not unwanted. Her child. Severus's child. If she'd been with him instead of James…

 _James_.

Lily sat down on the edge of the tub, afraid her legs would give out. What the hell was she supposed to tell James? Obviously, he'd know that the baby wasn't his. Would the Vow be enough to protect it? She couldn't imagine him hurting a child, even one that belonged to Severus, but she could hardly see him accepting it either. What if he tossed them out? She'd have no money, no protection, unable to turn to Severus for help. Cast out into the world with a newborn, alone in the middle of a war…

No, she couldn't do that. She'd have to find another way.

The solution was obvious, probably because it was the only option she had. Still, she avoided it for as long as she could, desperate to find an alternative. She even considered throwing herself on Dumbledore's mercy, begging him to protect her and the baby and perhaps even Severus, too. But deep down, she knew she couldn't afford to take that risk. There was one way out of this situation, the best possible chance she had to protect her child.

Could she pull it off? That remained to be seen.

* * *

"How was Paris?"

"Fine," James said as Lily passed him the mashed potatoes. "Bloody great, actually."

Sirius nodded, helping himself to an impossibly large portion of roast beef. "Shame you couldn't come with us."

Of course, neither of them had bothered to invite her. She wouldn't have gone even if they had. Choosing not to mention that in either case, she poured them both another glass of wine. She needed James to be intoxicated for this conversation, hoping like hell that his impaired judgment would work in her favor.

"It's no problem," she said. "Really, it gave me time to do some much needed thinking."

"Bout what?"

James's eyes were slightly unfocused, a clear sign that the concoction she'd given him was working.

"About what happened with me and…"

"Snivellus?"

She nodded, ignoring the awful nickname. "I just… I don't know what came over me. Really, I don't. It all seems so strange, as if…"

"As if you were under some sort of spell?" Sirius finished for her.

"It didn't seem that way at the time, but now…"

" _I knew it!_ Didn't I tell you, Prongs? No one in their right mind would ever shag that greasy…"

"Please," Lily interrupted, forcing herself to shudder. "I don't even want to think about…"

She couldn't have planned what happened next, though it certainly worked to her advantage. Her stomach felt queasy, one hand clapped over her mouth as she bolted from her chair.

Somehow, she made her way upstairs, dropping to her knees in front of the toilet. Her first bout of morning sickness? She hadn't expected it this early, though the book she'd hidden in her nightstand said it could begin as soon as two or three weeks along. She was nearing the fourth week now, dangerously close to running out of time.

"You all right, Lils?"

She nodded, managing a shaky smile as she sat back down at the table. "Sorry, I just…"

"Don't worry," James said. "We get it."

Sirius grunted in agreement, draining the last of his wine.

Both of them were looking at her with… was that _sympathy_ in their eyes? They honestly believed that Severus had cast some sort of love spell on her, leaving her utterly disgusted now that the spell had worn off. She hated to let them think that, hated herself for portraying him in such a negative light. But to protect herself… to protect their child…

"Can we just put it behind us?" she said. "Please, I don't ever want to talk about it again."

"Fine by me."

Bloody James. He looked so smug, reaching up to ruffle his hair as he held out his glass for another refill. She filled it to the brim, taking a moment to top Sirius off before she leaned back in her chair.

"James?"

"Yeah?"

"I've been thinking about something else."

"What's that?"

"Our marriage. I know we've had our issues, but I want to be happy. I'm so tired of fighting with you, resenting you…"

He nodded. "I'm tired of it, too."

"What if there was something we could do to make things better between us?"

"Like what?"

She hesitated, taking a deep breath. "Like having a baby."

To her relief, he didn't look the least bit suspicious. Of course, that was probably helped by the wine he was drinking, heavily laced with Credulity Potion. He wasn't in any condition to doubt her intentions… especially when she was offering him exactly what he wanted.

"A _baby?_ "

"Isn't that why you married me? A chance to carry on your family's name? Besides, you and Sirius have each other, and I… I get lonely, you know? If I had someone to take care of, someone to love…"

She didn't need to continue. One look at James's face told her everything she needed to know, his eyes bright with excitement. But then just as quickly, his expression sobered, filling her with panic as he let out a heavy sigh.

"I can't."

"Why not? I thought you wanted…"

"I did! I mean, I do, but…" He trailed off, clearly embarrassed. "We already tried. Tried for months, and it didn't work. I can't change who I am, Lily, can't just _make_ myself…"

"Well," she interrupted. "There's one thing we _haven't_ tried."

"What's that?"

She hesitated, taking a deep breath. This was the last step, the one thing she still needed in order for her plan to work. Her face felt hot, her stomach churning with nausea, but there was no turning back now. She lifted her chin, her eyes darting from James to Sirius and back again.

"What if Sirius joined us? Do you think that would help?"

The two of them sat silent for several endless moments until finally, _finally_ , Sirius cleared his throat.

"Well, mate? What do you think?"

James looked like he'd been hit with a Stunner. For once, he ignored Sirius, all his attention fixed on Lily.

"You… you'd do that?"

"If it means I can have a baby? Absolutely."

"And you?" This was addressed to Sirius, who seemed annoyingly unruffled by the conversation.

"Sure," Sirius said. "Anything to help a friend."

James opened his mouth and closed it again, giving his head a little shake. "If we do this… I mean, if it works, how many times will it take…"

Lily shrugged. "We'll never know until we try."

"Might as well get started, then."

" _Now?_ " James and Lily said in unison.

Sirius nodded, grinning at them both as he rose from the table.

* * *

Unlike her and James, Sirius took it all in stride, cracking jokes and making bawdy remarks as they headed upstairs. Despite herself, Lily was grateful for his behavior. It almost made her think that this wouldn't be so bad, that maybe she'd even…

Enjoy it? Well, no, she wasn't expecting that. But maybe it wouldn't be _entirely_ awful.

"All right," he said when they reached the bedroom. "Clothes off!"

"Sirius…" She shook her head, grabbing a nightgown on her way to the bathroom. She shed her jeans and jumper, feeling a little sick as she imagined James inside her. And yet she felt even sicker when she thought about the alternative, placing a protective hand over her belly as she slipped out of her underwear. Would that make it easier for him to do what she needed him to do? She hoped so. Whatever happened, he _had_ to believe this child was his.

By the time she returned, the two of them were completely naked. Sirius was reclining against the pillows, winking at her as James took him into his mouth.

"Get over here."

Tentatively, she moved closer, perching herself on the edge of the bed. Sirius snaked an arm around her waist, making her gasp as he pulled her against his side.

"I don't bite," he said, his voice husky. "Well, not unless you're into that sort of thing."

That was the difference between her husband and Sirius, one she hadn't even thought about until that moment. Unlike James, Sirius fancied men _and_ women, his touch almost eager as he slid a hand up her thigh.

"No underwear? Naughty minx."

The next thing she knew, that hand was between her legs, his fingers rubbing her in smooth, practiced motions. Despite herself, she let out a moan, lost to the sensations as her eyes fluttered closed. For those few precious minutes, she forgot who he was, her mind recalling a different touch. The friction increased and the memory grew stronger, so vivid that she almost believed…

"Severus."

Thankfully, her slip went unnoticed, voice barely above a whisper as she buried her face in the pillow. She opened her eyes to discover that the boys had switched positions, both lying on their sides as Sirius entered James from behind.

"Should I…"

Sirius shook his head. "Not yet."

Slowly, he began to move, easing himself in and out as James groaned in response. He gripped him from the front as well, pumping him with firm, steady strokes. Gradually, he picked up momentum, sweat beading his forehead as he murmured in James's ear.

"Tell me when."

"Now," James gasped a few seconds later. "Now!"

Sirius nodded at Lily, sliding his hand up to rest on James's hip as she moved into position. And then somehow, James was inside her, both of them jarred by the force of Sirius's thrusts as he continued to move. She barely registered the sensations, her body rigid with tension as she waited for the end result. How much longer would it take? What if he couldn't…

"Mate, you've got to… I can't…" Sirius trailed off, cursing under his breath. She knew then what had happened, his hips going still for a brief, terrifying moment as he howled in pleasure. But then she heard James whimper in response, nearly weeping with relief as she felt something pulsing deep inside her.

It had worked. Bloody hell, it had actually _worked_.

* * *

Lily moaned, closing her eyes as she rested her head against the toilet. Morning sickness had plagued her relentlessly for the past few weeks, though she'd managed to hide it from James. It would've been too early for her to have developed that symptom… not that she'd expected him to know that, but she hadn't wanted to take any chances.

"You ever coming out of there?"

"In a minute!" she called back, pausing to wash her face before she headed downstairs.

"Well," he said, waving his hand at the profusion of garlands and fairy lights he'd hung across the living room. "What do you think?"

"It's lovely, though you really didn't have to…"

"Sure I did. It's a special occasion, isn't it? Look, Sirius brought champagne."

Sirius nodded, making her jump as he popped the cork. "Happy New Year!"

"Happy New Year," she replied as she watched him conjure a trio of glasses. "Though I really shouldn't drink."

"Why not?" James said.

"My stomach's a bit upset."

"You sick?"

"No," she said, pausing to take a deep breath. "I'm pregnant."

"Are you serious?"

She nodded. "About six weeks along."

"Don't look so surprised," Sirius said. "We _have_ been trying quite a bit."

James shook his head, as if struggling to make sense of it all. And then suddenly, his face broke into a huge grin.

"A baby? I can't believe…"

"Congratulations, mate. You too, Lils."

"Thanks," she said. "Now if the two of you will excuse me, I need to finish throwing up."

She raced upstairs, not bothering to close the door as she hunched over the toilet. It certainly wasn't the most enjoyable New Year's Eve, though at least her secret was finally out in the open. Well, _part_ of it. In truth, she was ten weeks pregnant, carrying a child that belonged to another man.

Of course, James didn't need to know that. She'd just have to fool him into believing she was a bit less pregnant than she was, then pretend it was a few weeks early when she went into labor. She could do that, couldn't she?

"You all right up there?"

"I'm fine!"

"You sure?" James called back. "I'm here if you need anything."

She blinked, surprised by the concern in his voice. A few minutes later, he headed upstairs, making her jump as he poked his head in the bathroom.

"How you feeling?"

"I'm okay," she said as she rose to her feet. "Really."

He stepped closer, his eyes fixed on her stomach. "I'm not sure what my part is in all this or what I'm supposed to do, but…"

"You've already done your part."

"Well, yeah, but I want to help. It's my child too, right?"

He looked so sincere, to the point where she _almost_ felt bad for deceiving him. But then she remembered the Vow, reminding herself that she wouldn't have had to lie if he hadn't put her in such a difficult position. It was his dishonesty that had limited her choices, his hatred that stood as a barrier between Severus and their child.

"I'll be fine," she said shortly. "Thanks."

He nodded, wishing her good night as she headed to her room. Locking the door behind her, she crawled into bed, her eyes filling with tears. It was a brand new year, but somehow, she couldn't stop thinking about the past. What if James had never interfered in their lives? Would Severus have still become a Death Eater? If he hadn't been bullied so relentlessly, if they hadn't been driven apart, could she have changed his mind? If so, where would they be now? Would they have ended up together?

In the end, she supposed it didn't matter. There was no point in dwelling on things that couldn't be changed, nothing to do but turn her eyes toward the future. True, she didn't have Severus, but she had a part of him inside her, this precious new life that bound them together no matter how far apart they might be. That was comforting to say the least, though she wished she could tell him, wished he knew…

Unfortunately, that wasn't possible. Not yet. But someday…

Someday the war would be over. The Vow would expire and James would no longer control her, just as Voldemort would lose any power he had over Severus. Granted, they'd have to survive to _see_ that day, but if they could get that far…

For the first time that evening, Lily smiled, cradling her stomach as she turned on her side.

If they could get that far, the rest would work itself out. She just knew it would.

* * *

"Ah, Severus. Thank you for responding to my summons."

"My lord." Severus bowed his head, careful to show the appropriate amount of respect. Voldemort had been irritable lately, displeased by his lack of progress in the war. Naturally, he blamed his Death Eaters, not hesitating to punish anyone who failed to meet his standards.

"I have a task for you."

"Anything, my lord. As always, I'm honored to serve you."

Voldemort nodded. "I'd like you to journey to Hogsmeade this evening."

"Hogsmeade?"

"The Hog's Head Inn, to be more exact. From what I understand, an old friend of ours will be conducting a meeting there. Go and see if you can obtain any useful information."

"Yes, my lord. May I ask who…"

"Albus Dumbledore. He'll be interviewing a candidate for one of his teaching positions."

Severus blinked, recognizing the significance of the assignment. Spying on _Dumbledore?_ That must mean…

"You've impressed me, Severus. Perform well tonight and you'll find that many more opportunities will be open to you."

"Yes, my lord. Thank you."

He arrived in Hogsmeade a couple hours early, distracted by the memories the place stirred in him. His last visit had hardly been a happy occasion – that was the first time he'd seen Potter kissing Lily, followed by the ambush in the forest. Perhaps this trip would yield better results? He hoped so. All else aside, he wasn't in the mood to face another failure.

"Cold night," one of the shopkeepers commented as he passed. Severus grunted, wrapping his cloak more tightly around his body. He ducked into the Hog's Head, choosing a table in the most poorly lit corner of the bar.

"What can I get you?"

"Firewhiskey.

"That all?"

"For now."

To his relief, the old innkeeper wandered away, leaving him alone with his thoughts. He should've been focused on the task at hand, but something about being here…

Nearly six months and he hadn't heard a word from Lily. Christmas had passed along with New Year's, followed by both of their birthdays. Nothing. True, he'd agreed to give her space, but he'd assumed she'd still contact him from time to time. Was that so foolish?

He sighed, taking a long swig from his glass before he set it back on the table. Perhaps it would be easier if he understood why she'd chosen Potter, but after so many months, he was beginning to doubt his initial conclusions. Even if she'd felt obligated to try and make her marriage work, wouldn't she have given up by now? He could've sworn that she wasn't in love with Potter, remembering the disgust in her voice whenever she'd spoken of him. No affection, no passion between them that he could see. So _why_ …

He lost his train of thought, his body tensing as a familiar figure appeared on the other side of the room. Dumbledore nodded at the innkeeper before he headed upstairs, followed by a distinct creaking sound on the floor above.

This was his chance. Severus knew it, draining his glass before he rose to his feet. He waited until the innkeeper's back was turned, his heart pounding in his chest as he crept up the staircase. Soon enough, he heard a low murmur of voices, holding his breath as he pressed his ear to the door.

At first, he heard nothing remarkable. Quite the opposite, his patience wearing thin as he listened to the woman's mindless chatter. What a fraud. Utterly unqualified. Clearly, Dumbledore had come to the same conclusion, informing the batty fool that she wasn't fit for the position of Divination professor. A wise choice in Severus's opinion, though he needed _something_ to report. The Dark Lord was in no mood for disappointment, nor was Severus eager to endure the punishment that would surely follow. If he could just…

Something _changed_. As indescribable as it was abrupt, it sent a chill skittering up his spine. And then suddenly, he heard a different voice, almost frightening in its intensity.

"The one with the power to vanquish the Dark Lord approaches," it chanted, "born to those who have thrice defied him, born as the seventh month dies… "

" _You there!_ "

Startled, Severus whipped around so fast he almost lost his balance. His hand shot out, a futile attempt to brace himself against the door as it flew open. And then he _did_ fall, only to be dragged back to his feet by the old innkeeper.

"Spying, eh? Not in my bar!"

"Wasn't spying! I took a wrong turn, I…"

"OUT!"

What followed was a flurry of motion, viselike hands gripping his shoulders as he was marched downstairs. The next thing he knew, he was lying in the street, blood pouring from his nose. Did he care? Not in the least. What that woman said…

" _The one with the power to vanquish the Dark Lord approaches… born to those who have thrice defied him, born as the seventh month dies…_ "

What did it mean? Severus didn't know, nor could he even be sure it was a real prophecy. It didn't matter. He felt his nerve endings thrumming with excitement, scrambling to his feet as he pressed his fingers to the Dark Mark.


	11. Threat

**Threat**

* * *

"Feel like dropping by Diagon Alley?" James said. "Might be nice to get out of the house for a bit."

Lily nodded, heaving herself to her feet. "Just give me a minute to change."

She waited for him to leave before she took off her nightgown, pausing to stare at herself in the mirror. Her body had become an endless source of fascination, all the more so now that she'd reached the third trimester. She ran her hands over her belly, smiling as the baby kicked in response. Boy or girl? It didn't matter. She only cared that it was healthy and strong, nudging at her insistently as she struggled into her dress.

The past seven months hadn't been easy. From those terrible bouts of morning sickness to her constant mood swings, she'd been miserable more often than not. Even when the sickness had abated, she'd felt tired, so tired, unable to do anything but lie in bed and cry.

But that, too, had passed. Her mood had lifted and her energy returned, though she had a bit more trouble getting around these days. She'd never realized how cumbersome a pregnant belly could be, using a spell to put on her shoes before she headed downstairs.

"You look nice."

"Thanks."

She'd transfigured a dress with a sweetheart neckline, leaving plenty of room to accommodate her larger breasts. Billows of airy white fabric helped to conceal a belly that felt enormous, the hem decorated with delicate lace trimming. It suited her perfectly, a flattering alternative to the plain cotton nightgowns she wore around the house. For the first time in months, she felt pretty, smiling to herself as she put on a bit of lip gloss.

"Ready?"

She nodded, summoning her purse as James ushered her out the door.

Her pregnancy had changed him, too. He'd become more attentive, even considerate, tolerating her cravings and mood swings without complaint. Of course, he was eager to have a child, which probably explained the shift in his behavior. No doubt he'd go back to his old ways as soon as she gave him what he wanted.

Did it matter? Not really. She wasn't going to let anything spoil her good mood, smiling as she lifted her face to the warm May sunshine. Soon enough, they were wandering through Diagon Alley, ducking in and out of several shops before James paused in front of Fortescue's.

"How about some ice cream?"

"Yes, please."

"What would you like?"

"Something with toffee," she said. "Cherries and sprinkles and chocolate chips. Oh, and pralines!"

He returned a few minutes later, looking sheepish as he held out three different cones. Unable to help herself, she giggled.

"You know, I can probably eat all…"

She trailed off, her breath catching in her throat as she spotted a familiar figure in the distance. _Severus?!_ She didn't have time to react, standing there frozen as his eyes came to rest on her belly.

 _Fuck._

She couldn't hear him, but the word he mouthed was unmistakable. His features twisted, shock giving way to something that could only be described as horror. Or was that disgust? Before she could decide, he'd slipped away, retreating from her like she was contagious.

"Lily?"

Snatching the ice cream from James, she burst into tears as she dropped it in the rubbish bin.

"What the hell?"

"I want to go home."

"But we just got here. Don't you want to…"

" _Take me home!_ "

He obeyed without further protest, probably assuming it was just another one of her mood swings. Within minutes, she was back in her bedroom, not bothering to undress before she crawled beneath the covers.

"Lily?" he called from the other side of the door. "Do you want me to…"

"I just want to be alone. Please."

To her relief, he respected her wishes, not bothering her for the rest of the afternoon. She cried for what felt like hours before she finally fell asleep, only to be awoken by an achingly familiar voice.

 _"Is it mine?"_

Was that why he'd looked so horrified? If so, she could hardly blame him. An unplanned pregnancy would've been dangerous for them both… wasn't that why he'd always given her contraceptive potions?

She stared at the Patronus, hoping he'd remember the precautions they'd taken. He _had_ to believe James was the father… for his own safety, if nothing else.

 _"When are you due?"_

She didn't answer. How could she? That would mean breaking her Vow, bringing death to both her _and_ their child. But she had another idea, one that would hopefully leave no room for doubt.

The next day, she wrote a stack of letters, each one mentioning that her due date was September 2. She couldn't send one to Severus, obviously, but they went out to everyone else, even people she hadn't spoken to in years. Between the Magical world's propensity for gossip and Voldemort's constant scrutiny… there were no guarantees, but she was fairly certain the news would reach its intended target.

* * *

Severus dropped into his armchair, faint with relief. September 2? That would place her well out of danger, all the more so if the child was born a few days late. Wasn't that common with first pregnancies? He remembered his mother mentioning something to that effect, claiming she'd been more than a week overdue when she'd given birth to him.

What he'd seen in Diagon Alley… he shuddered, still haunted by the memory. He'd been unable to move, unable to breathe, panic clawing at his throat as he'd realized she was pregnant. He'd never imagined that could happen, that delivering the bloody prophecy might mean endangering _her_ of all people. That was the moment he'd understood how deeply he loved her, praying to gods he'd never believed in that the child _wasn't_ his. If it was, he would've known exactly when it was conceived… destined to be born in late July.

 _Born to parents who have thrice defied him_.

What did it mean? He hadn't thought about it at the time, too intent on following the Dark Lord's orders. Now? What if the child _had_ been his? Would he have fit the criteria? He'd killed another Death Eater. He'd saved Lily's life, even though she was supposed to be the enemy. Both of those things would easily qualify as betrayals, though he couldn't seem to come up with a third.

Did it matter? Not in the least. Lily was safe, pregnant with a child that had nothing to do with the prophecy.

A child that belonged to another man.

It should've been enough. Just knowing she was safe… it should've been enough. He shouldn't be feeling this sharp stab of jealousy, his stomach churning as he thought about the implications. He didn't want to think of her lying in Potter's arms, didn't want to imagine what they'd done to conceive that child. Something twisted deep inside him, making him wish…

Wish for what? That _he_ was the father? Obviously, he wouldn't have wanted that if it placed her in danger, yet the underlying resentment couldn't be denied. Why Potter and not him? Why couldn't _he_ have been the one to put a ring on her finger? Why couldn't he have given her a child if that was what she'd wanted? Why couldn't he have been there to escort her through Diagon Alley, buying her ice cream, laughing in response to whatever trivial thing she'd just said?

He knew why. Of course he did. He had no one to blame but himself, cursing his decision to take the Dark Mark. It was his own poor judgment that had driven him and Lily apart, allowing Potter to take his place.

Yet still, he'd been given a second chance, one he'd never dared to hope for. Foolish, perhaps, but he'd started to believe…

He'd _still_ believed, even when she'd ended their relationship. He'd convinced himself that it was only temporary, that somehow, she'd find her way back to him. He'd believed and he'd waited, defying all logic and common sense.

Now? It was time to accept the truth.

It was over. Him, Lily, whatever they'd had… finished. It had ended the moment she'd gotten pregnant, bound to Potter by the life growing inside her. Had he planned it that way? Had she? What did it matter? She'd never leave him now.

Wrong though it might be, Severus couldn't help despising the child, even as he hated the father who'd sired it. If not for them…

He shook his head, reminding himself that Lily was safe. Everything else? He supposed he had no choice but to accept it, even if he wished…

No. There was no point in wishing anymore.

* * *

Lily hadn't succeeded. Not yet. She still had one more obstacle to face, a final hurdle she needed to clear if this deception was going to work. Unfortunately, this one would be much more difficult than the rest.

Giving birth at St. Mungo's was out of the question. Even if James didn't know the difference between an early baby and a full-term one, the healers would. And while a midwife was more likely to keep her secret, Lily couldn't be sure she'd be able to keep that secret herself. There was no telling what she might cry out in the middle of labor, especially if it was as painful as she feared it might be. And even if she made it through that without giving herself away, what about the baby? What if it looked too much like Severus?

All these possibilities brought her to a single conclusion, one that scared the hell out of her. But what else could she do? She couldn't risk anyone finding out, even if…

Even if that meant she had to give birth alone.

Once her decision was made, Lily did everything she could to prepare herself, reading every book she could get her hands on. She learned all about the stages of labor, memorizing numerous techniques for coping with the pain. But as her belly continued to swell, she grew fearful again, scared that the baby might be too big for her to deliver on her own.

She was a week overdue when she felt the first contraction. It woke her at the break of dawn, an unpleasant cramping sensation in her lower back. Another false alarm? Somehow, she knew it wasn't, waiting for it to pass before she opened the bedroom door.

"James?"

"Yeah?" he called from downstairs.

One word and he'd take her straight to St. Mungo's, perhaps even a Muggle hospital. She wavered, opening her mouth and then closing it again before she forced herself to speak.

"I… I couldn't sleep last night. I think I'll spend the day in bed, see if I can nap until later this evening."

"Okay, let me know if you need anything."

"I will."

She shuffled back into her room, locking the door behind her as she cast a Muffliato. Retrieving her box of supplies, she arranged them on the bedside table, pacing back and forth as she waited for the next contraction.

For the next few hours, the pain was manageable enough. Her contractions were about 20 minutes apart, allowing for an occasional nap in between. She rested, had a little breakfast, followed by a long bath, gritting her teeth through a contraction that seemed stronger than the others as she headed back into the bedroom.

By then, it was 3 PM, hot July sunlight pouring in through the window. Flicking her wand to close the drapes, she cast a cooling charm, deciding there was no point in getting dressed. Why should she? She wasn't going anywhere, nor did she plan on letting anyone near her until after the baby was born.

She didn't cry out until her water broke, the pain almost crippling as she eased herself onto the bed. She was 5 cm dilated by then, chills skittering up her spine as she realized that the worst was yet to come.

"I can do this," she whispered, llifting her wand to cast another Muffliato. It was a good thing she did – the next contraction hit her even harder, followed by at least half a dozen that left her howling in protest, arching her back in a futile attempt to ease the pain.

After a while, she glanced up at the window, surprised to see that night had fallen. The next charm informed her that she was 8 cm dilated, which meant…

She lost her train of thought, tears streaming down her cheeks as she suffered through the worst contraction yet. After that, they were relentless, her world reduced to pure, blinding pain as they slammed into her one after another. She knew then that it was never going to stop, screams echoing off the walls as she begged for someone to help, to come and save her, to do something, _anything_ …

"Please," she whispered, the word emerging as a hoarse whisper as she fell back against the pillows. Yet even as she said it, she lifted her wand, refreshing the Muffliato Charm. She'd come this far, hadn't she?

Closing her eyes, she gasped as another wave of viselike pressure gripped her insides. Her hands clawed at the blankets, her body racked by a contraction that felt like it would rip her in two. Another and another and another… she heard herself screaming for Severus, desperate to have him there beside her even as she cursed his existence.

Finally, she was given a respite, struggling to catch her breath as she cast another diagnostic. 10 cm or close to it. She was almost ready to…

"Bloody _hell_."

Her body didn't need any charms to tell it what to do. The next contraction forced her to push, screams giving way to grunts as she strained in the darkness. That was the only reality she knew for at least another hour, panting and pushing, slumping against the pillows when she had a few seconds to rest. By then, the bedsheets were soaked with sweat, the room so hot she felt faint as she struggled to push the baby out. She couldn't make it move no matter how hard she tried, sobbing in frustration as another brutal contraction released her from its grip.

For the first time, she seriously considered calling James. She knew she had to do _something_ , afraid of what might happen if she didn't deliver soon. But how was _he_ supposed to help her? She was too far gone to make it to the hospital, and besides…

She moaned, hunching forward as her stomach tightened again. And then suddenly, instinct took over, her body urging her to switch positions. She eased herself onto her knees, whimpering in relief as she felt something shift inside her.

It took several more contractions, her muscles trembling with exertion as the baby made its slow descent. And then finally, _finally_ , she felt pressure between her legs, her breath catching in her throat as she summoned her wand.

" _Lumos,_ " she whispered. " _Accio_ mirror!"

She set the wand beside her, gazing in wonder at the tiny patch of head. It was covered in jet black hair, the exact shade of…

"Hey Lily, you awake yet?"

Hastily, she canceled the Muffliato, her eyes wide as she glanced at the door.

"Give me a minute!"

"You all right? You sound like you're in pain."

"That's because I'm in labor, you miserable git! Now leave me alone!"

"What?! Right now?!"

" _Go away!_ "

"We've got to get you to Saint Mungo's," James said as he rattled the doorknob. "Unlock the door!"

"Can't," she gasped as she was forced to bear down again. "Please… just…" Trailing off, she gave several forceful pushes, grunting and straining as the top of the baby's head emerged. She really was crowning now, wincing at the terrible burning sensation as the contraction came to an end. It wouldn't be much longer… just a few more pushes…

"Want me to blast it apart?"

"James Potter," she said, wiping the sweat from her forehead as she sank back on her heels. "If you come through that door, I'll hex your bollocks off."

"Right, well, I guess I'll give you a few more minutes."

She closed her eyes, sighing in relief as she heard his footsteps retreating down the hall. Now more than ever, she really _did_ want to do this alone, proud that she'd come so far without help. And yet it was more than that, something she hadn't fully realized until that moment. If the baby's own father couldn't be here to see it born, she didn't want anyone else to be here either. This moment belonged to her and Severus's child, something deeply sacred she wasn't willing to share.

Casting a final Muffliato, she leaned into the next contraction, almost welcoming the pain. She heard herself making strange, animalistic noises, her muscles quivering as the rest of the baby's head slid out, followed by its shoulders, the rest of its body emerging with a final, agonizing push. She cried out as it happened, gut wrenching howls giving way to a whimper of triumph.

And then it was over... the pain, the fear, the uncertainty, all of it. She sat there stunned, her eyes filling with tears as she reached down to touch the tiny being.

"Well, Severus," she whispered, smiling as the baby let out a wail. "I guess we have a son."

Exhausted though she was, she managed to clean him up, cutting the cord before she brought him to her breast. It took him a few minutes to catch on, but then he suckled greedily, his green eyes hazy and unfocused.

Green? Weren't they supposed to be blue? That was what she'd always heard about newborns, but there they were, the exact same shade as her own. His hair was a beautiful, silky black, his face…

There was no mistaking Severus in those features. They weren't fully developed yet, but there was the slightest hook at the end of the baby's nose, his face a bit longer than one might expect on a newborn. His lips were rather thin with a slight downturn at the corners, an unmistakable reflection of his father.

She cried as she reached for her wand, thoroughly convinced that her baby was perfect just the way he was. But she knew it was necessary, adding a touch of fullness to his lips and cheeks before she removed the hook from his nose. Fortunately, she didn't need to worry about his hair. Black like his father's, the same shade as James's… yes, that would do.

There was one thing she _didn't_ change, though it would've been an undeniable link to Severus if anyone had known to look for it. He had a tiny birthmark at the top of his thigh, a pale brown spot that was roughly the shape of a star. James had seen Severus naked when he'd stripped off his clothes, but would he remember such a minor detail? Somehow, she doubted it.

"All right then," she said softly, lowering the baby onto a nest of blankets. "Just a couple more things I need to take care of."

Ten minutes later, she was reasonably clean, soiled sheets replaced by fresh ones. She'd gotten rid of the afterbirth, too, putting on a soft cotton nightgown before she settled herself in bed. She cradled the baby in one arm, using the other to open the door with a flick of her wand.

"James?"

"We should really get you to…" He stopped in the doorway, his eyes widening. "How in the hell…"

"What?" she said, giving him an innocent look.

"My mum said it took her… bloody hell, I don't remember, but it was a long time. How did you do it so fast?"

"Trust me, it wasn't fast. I was in labor for 16 hours. 17? Something like that."

"17 _hours?!_ Why didn't you say something?"

She shrugged, folding back the blanket so he could look at the baby. "No need to, really. I managed fine on my own."

"I guess so."

With that, he let it go, mesmerized by what he believed to be his newborn son. Leaning over the bed, he traced the baby's tiny features with the tip of his finger.

"He looks just like me."

The glamours had worked. Lily sighed in relief, even as she resisted the urge to argue. Someday, those glamours would be removed, though that was something only she or Severus could do. She'd made sure of that.

"Harry James Potter."

"What?"

"Harry James Potter," he repeated. "What do you think?"

She couldn't think of a reason to argue, caught somewhere between deliriously happy and thoroughly drained. Instead, she nodded, deciding that she liked the name. Well, the _first_ name, at least. It wouldn't have been her first choice, but she certainly preferred it to some fancy wizard name. His mother was Muggleborn, after all, his father a Half-blood. It made sense for him to have a name that was suitable for both worlds.

"Harry," she agreed. "Now if you'll excuse us, Harry and I have had a trying day. We could both use some rest."

James nodded, leaning down to kiss the baby's forehead.

"I'll be a good father. Promise."

He'd lied about countless things, though this time, Lily knew he was being sincere. She saw it in his eyes, something that couldn't be mistaken for anything but unconditional love as he looked at the baby. She almost felt guilty, wishing it wasn't necessary to deceive him about something so important.

Then again, she'd do whatever it took to protect her child. If that meant breaking James's heart when the time came? So be it.


	12. Downfall

**Downfall**

* * *

"Severus," Voldemort said, gesturing at the empty chair to his right. "Sit next to me."

"My lord."

Bowing his head, he obeyed the order, sensing several envious glances as he did so. Like him, the other Death Eaters weren't masked. Anonymity was reserved for lower ranking followers, those who had yet to earn the Dark Lord's trust.

"As all of you know, Severus has provided me with crucial information. For that, he has earned my gratitude, though it will all be for nothing if we don't vanquish this threat."

"A child, my lord? You are the most powerful wizard the magical world has ever known. Surely you have no need to fear…"

"I fear nothing, Lucius," Voldemort replied. "Nonetheless, children have a way of growing up."

"Better to nip it in the bud."

"Yes, Yaxley, that's precisely what I was thinking… which is why I considered eliminating any expectant mothers who fit our criteria."

The woman to his left leaned forward, her eyes bright with excitement. "That would've been…"

"A waste of time, Bellatrix. Do you know why?"

She shook her head, gazing at him adoringly.

"Because the mother in question _didn't_ fit our criteria," he said, tracing his wand with the tip of his finger. "She wasn't supposed to deliver until early September."

Severus stared at him in silence, a cold knot forming in the pit of his stomach.

"The child's name is Harry James Potter, born at 11:51 PM on July 31. According to my sources…"

"My lord?"

"Yes, Severus?"

"Another infant was born the day before, one who seems much more likely…"

Voldemort shook his head. "I'm aware of the Longbottom child. His arrival was quite ordinary, one we've been expecting for months. The Potters, however… a month premature, born in secret in the dead of night? I find that intriguing."

"Secret?" Severus said, struggling to keep the tremble out of his voice.

"The mother gave birth at home without so much as a midwife present. Rather unusual, don't you think?"

"Perhaps there wasn't time to make it to the hospital. Uncommon, yes, but not necessarily cause for suspicion."

"Time," Voldemort repeated. "Yes, that child was certainly in a hurry to be born. One might almost think he acted with purpose, entering the world with less than 10 minutes to spare. Right as the seventh month died… that cannot be a coincidence."

"My lord," Lucius said, "I'd be happy to dispose of this threat on your behalf."

"No, I shall deal with the Potters myself. What I need from the rest of you is information."

"Information?"

"Indeed, Yaxley. While I might know the details of Harry Potter's birth, I do not know his current location. Find it for me, along with anything else you might deem useful."

"My lord?"

"What is it, Severus?"

"Might I speak with you in private?"

Voldemort nodded. "The rest of you are dismissed."

Severus watched the others leave, struggling to bring his emotions under control. He took a deep breath, feeling a bit calmer as the room grew quiet. There was a way out of this. There had to be. He just needed to…

"Now, Severus. What did you want to tell me?"

"My lord, I would urge you not to dismiss the Longbottom child so easily. His parents have been openly defiant, to a far greater degree than the Potters. Need I remind you that Alice Longbottom has killed no less than five…"

"Do you question my judgment?" Voldemort's tone was still pleasant, though there was an edge to it that hadn't been there before. Severus knew he was treading on dangerous ground, mind working frantically as he searched for a different approach.

"Certainly not, my lord. I only meant…"

"It's the mother, isn't it? You have some sort of… attachment to her?"

He opened his mouth and then closed it again, fearing that a denial would only make matters worse.

"Lily… I thought the name sounded familiar. Didn't you recommend her as a potential ally when you first joined us?"

"I did, my lord. Unfortunately, she chose a different path."

"And yet you still seem concerned for her well-being. Why is that?"

He hesitated, searching for an answer that the Dark Lord would be likely to accept.

"Her husband is my enemy," he said, allowing a touch of bitterness to creep into his voice. "During our school days, he went out of his way to make my life miserable. Of course, he lost any power over me when I joined forces with you, but he took something from me, something that…"

"Something that you desire?"

"Yes."

"Well," Voldemort said. "We should never let our enemies get the better of us. In this case, I don't see why we have to. Or why _you_ have to, to be more precise."

"My lord?"

"It's the child I'm after, not the mother. If she agrees to stand aside, I will spare her life."

Severus bowed his head. "Thank you."

* * *

It wouldn't be enough. Severus knew that, half panting, half sobbing as he returned to Spinner's End. Lily would never agree to let anyone kill her child, even if that meant dying herself. There was nothing he could do to protect her, no way to stop the Dark Lord from…

"What have I done?"

Of course, there was no one there to answer him. The only thing he heard was his own panicked breathing, followed by a faint echo in the back of his mind.

 _"You've killed her."_

The echo grew louder, taunting him with that single, horrible truth. He hadn't endangered her on purpose, obviously, but what did that matter? Because of _his_ actions, _his_ foolishness and lack of forethought…

"No."

No, there was still a chance, remote though it might be. If Severus could just get him to _listen_ …

Fumbling for his wand, he managed to cast a Patronus, barely breathing as he waited for a response.

"Please…"

He waited for an hour, two hours, feeling more discouraged with each minute that passed. He'd nearly given up when the phoenix burst into the room, opening its beak to deliver a terse message.

"Isle of Skye. Quiraing."

The island was far to the north, well beyond Hogwarts on the western coast of Scotland. Checking a map to make sure he had the location right, Severus Apparated there without delay. He waited for what seemed like hours, shivering in the darkness, clinging to his wand though he knew there'd be no point in attempting to defend himself if it came to that.

The next thing he knew, he was on his knees, half blinded by a glaring white light. He'd never felt so vulnerable, quite certain he was about to meet his death.

"Don't kill me!"

"That was not my intention."

This was his chance. He knew it, wild hope mingled with panic as he lowered his head. Submissive. Yes, submissive and respectful. He'd grovel if he had to… whatever it took to make Dumbledore believe him.

"Well, Severus? What message does Lord Voldemort have for me?"

"No… no message. I'm here on my own account! I… I come with a warning. No, a request… please…"

"What request could a Death Eater make of me?"

Somehow, he got to the point, explaining that Voldemort was planning to hunt Lily down. He admitted that he'd been the one to deliver the prophecy, far beyond any thought of consequences for himself. All that mattered…

"If she means so much to you, surely Lord Voldemort would spare her? Could you not ask for mercy for the mother in exchange for the son?"

"I have… I have asked him…"

"You disgust me," Dumbledore said. "You do not care, then, about the deaths of her husband and child? They can die as long as you have what you want?"

He'd never heard so much contempt in anyone's voice, stung by the harsh assessment of his character. True, he'd done terrible things, but to suggest that he'd attempted to bargain away her child's life? Didn't Dumbledore _get_ it? Nothing he could have said would've stopped Voldemort from targeting the boy. He'd tried that, tried everything except…

"Hide them all, then. Keep her… them… safe."

"And what will you give me in return, Severus?"

"Anything."

* * *

Lily liked living in Godric's Hollow. It gave her a fresh start, a chance to escape countless bad memories she associated with her previous home. She didn't even mind the isolation, content to spend all her waking hours with her baby son.

Really, she would've been happy anywhere as long as he was with her. There was nothing she loved more than sitting with him in the rocking chair, singing softly or telling him stories while he nursed. She'd never imagined anything could be so peaceful, a stark contrast to the war raging just outside their door.

"Ready for bed, love?"

Harry responded with a yawn, releasing his hold on her nipple. Gently, she lowered him into his crib, covering him with a blanket before she shut and warded the door.

His nursery had become her sanctuary, from the comfortable sofa where she often slept to the desk she'd placed by the window. It was the latter that drew her attention now, quill already in hand as she settled herself in her chair.

 _Dear Severus…_

She wrote him often, a habit that had started the day after she'd given birth. At the time, she'd been overwhelmed by emotion, desperate to share what she was feeling. Her joy. Her sadness. The deep, painful longing that underscored everything else, a feeling of emptiness she hadn't known how to cope with.

It didn't matter that the letters couldn't be sent. They'd still given her comfort, allowing her to express… well, _everything_ , really. She explained why she'd ended their relationship, why she'd chosen to take that bloody Vow. She told him about her pregnancy, too, describing her initial panic followed by the realization that she'd have to pass the baby off as James's.

She didn't mention those awkward trysts with James and Sirius, obviously, though other than that, she held nothing back. There was no need to as long as the letters remained private.

On that last point, she was extremely careful. She'd created an extra panel on the side of her desk, invisible to the naked eye. Inside was a wrought iron box she'd conjured, its contents protected by the most powerful charm she could muster.

It began as a series of letters. Soon enough, she started preserving memories as well. Milestones in her pregnancy. Harry's birth. Significant (and not so significant) moments from the first few months of his life. It wasn't the same as having Severus there, but it made her feel like he was with them in spirit. That was the best she could do… at least for the time being.

 _Severus_ , she wrote. _It's been more than a year since I took the Vow. In less than two years, I'll be free from it, though I don't know what our lives will look like when that happens. Will the war be over? Will Harry and I be able to come out of hiding? And what about you? Where will you be when the time comes? It's so hard, not knowing what to expect. All I can do is hope. That's what keeps me going these days, along with our son, who I love more than life itself._

 _I hope you'll love him as much as I do. If anything should happen, he's going to need you. He'll need your protection, but more importantly, he'll need your love. You're the only father he has, Severus, no matter what James or anyone else believes. Promise me…_

She hesitated, troubled by the direction of her thoughts. Maybe it was only to be expected under the circumstances, but still…

Finishing the letter on a lighter note, she enclosed a picture James had taken that morning. She and Harry were lying on the couch, half asleep as the first rays of sunlight peeped through the curtains. It was a beautiful photo, their expressions peaceful as she stroked his hair with the tips of her fingers. She tried to include as many of these moments as possible, proof that she truly was happy. Did it matter that Harry's existence had forced her into hiding, that she'd had to tell countless lies to protect his identity? Of course not. She wouldn't have traded him for the world.

 _I love you, Severus_ , she wrote before signing her name with a flourish. _Now and always._

* * *

"Unbelievable," James said, frowning as he scanned the slip of parchment.

"What?"

"According to Sirius, Snape's gotten a job. He'll be… teaching Potions at Hogwarts."

" _Hogwarts?!_ " Lily stared at him, stunned.

"That's what it says. I can't _believe_ Dumbledore would…"

"I can."

"A bloody _Death Eater?_ It's absurd!"

"No, it isn't," she said, struggling to keep the excitement out of her voice, "not if he's switched sides."

James shook his head. "Or _pretended_ to switch sides."

"Do you really think Dumbledore would fall for that? Come on."

"Why are you defending him? After everything he did to you…"

"He didn't…" She paused, taking a deep breath. "It's Dumbledore I'm defending. There's no way he would've given Severus a job unless he knew he could trust him."

"Yeah, well, I still think he's a lying little shit."

"If you say so."

With that, she retrieved the baby from his high chair, taking him upstairs for a bath. She closed and warded the door behind them, her face breaking into a huge grin.

"He did it," she whispered. "He really did it!"

Harry snuffled, his attention fixed on the brightly colored shampoo bottle. Naturally, she didn't expect him to understand, but someday…

Someday he'd realize what all of this meant. He'd know his father was a good man, one who'd ultimately chosen the right path despite his earlier mistakes.

 _Professor Snape_ , she wrote later that night. _I must say that the title suits you. I know you'll be good at your job, and I'm so happy that Dumbledore decided to give you a chance. I don't know what you said to him, but Severus, I am so proud of you. When I think about what this might mean for our future…_

It wouldn't be easy. She knew that. They still had Voldemort to contend with, not to mention James, who was sure to be livid when he discovered the truth. But for the chance to be with the man she loved, to rid herself of all her secrets and live an honest life with him and their son…

 _Will you wait for me?_ she wrote. _I hope so. I know it must seem like I chose James over you, but Severus, that isn't the truth. Someday you'll realize that, even if I can't tell you quite yet. Just a little longer now… I promise it will be worth it._

 _Love always,_  
 _Lily_

Tucking the letter away, she curled up on the couch, smiling as she drifted off to sleep.

* * *

Days turned into weeks, weeks into months as the Potters remained in hiding. Harry's first Christmas came and went, followed by Lily's birthday, winter gradually giving way to spring as Harry learned to crawl. By summer, he'd taken his first step, teetering precariously as Lily and James cheered him on.

Lily couldn't fault James, at least where Harry was concerned. He obviously loved being a father, playing with the baby for hours and changing his diapers without complaint. Even his letters to Sirius had been reduced to a single topic, filled with boastful remarks about Harry's intelligence, how quickly he'd learned to crawl, his healthy appetite and everything in between. It was endearing, really.

It also made her feel incredibly guilty.

Did she regret doing what was necessary to protect her child? Of course not. James had given her no choice, no reason to believe she could trust him with the truth. But now…

Things were different now. He was in hiding under false pretenses, his life at risk for the sake of a child that wasn't even his. Perhaps she could ignore that if she was a crueler person, as cruel as he'd been to her and Severus in the past. Part of her even wished she could be that person, but in the end, it didn't matter. She didn't have it in her to be that heartless, unable to stop thinking about how awful she'd feel if she got him killed.

Those thoughts haunted her as Harry's first birthday came and went, summer heat giving way to the sharp chill of autumn. Finally, she summoned her courage, driven by some nameless fear that grew deeper by the day.

"James? Can we talk?"

"Sure."

She hesitated, taking a deep breath as she sat down beside him.

"Listen," she said, "you're not going to like this. Pretty sure you'll hate it, actually, but I'll never be able to forgive myself if I don't tell you."

"Hey, it can't be that bad. Whatever it is…"

"Harry isn't yours."

She hadn't meant to just blurt it out like that. She'd planned to break it to him gently, dropping little hints that would lead him to his own conclusions. Still, she felt relieved as the words left her mouth. She hadn't realized how much the secret had been weighing her down, glad she no longer had to carry that burden.

"What?"

"I said," she repeated, "that Harry isn't yours."

"That's impossible."

"No, it isn't."

"You took the Vow! Took it weeks before I got you pregnant! So how else could you have _possibly_ …"

"James," she said quietly. "I was nearly a month along the first time I went to bed with you and Sirius."

He shook his head, his voice barely above a whisper. "The baby… he didn't… he didn't come early."

"A week overdue, actually."

"That's why you wouldn't go to St. Mungo's."

"I was carrying a 9 pound baby. They would've known he wasn't premature."

"But… he looks like me. His face and his hair… he looks just like…"

"Severus has black hair, too. As for his face…" She sighed. "I used glamours. Powerful ones. If I hadn't, you would've known…"

"Why?"

There was an unfathomable amount of pain in that word, so much that she almost regretted what she'd done. But then she reminded herself that deceiving him had _never_ been what she'd wanted. He was the one who'd hurt them both, his selfishness and cruelty driving her to act out of desperation.

"Because," she said, "you didn't give me a choice. You've _never_ given me a choice… not where Severus is concerned."

"He's evil, Lily. I was only trying to do…"

" _It wasn't your choice!_ Why can't you see that? What _you_ think of him… it doesn't bloody matter! I had a right to come to my own conclusions, to decide for _myself_ whether I wanted him in my life. You… you took that from me. And then you want to sit here and talk to me about _evil?_ You're the one who's evil."

" _Evil?_ " James stared at her, stunned. "How can you call me that? I might've made a few mistakes, but…"

"Evil is being motivated by hatred," she said. "Hatred is what drove you to come between us back at Hogwarts, why you tortured him the way you did. Choosing me instead of some other girl… you only did that because you wanted to make him suffer."

James opened his mouth and then closed it again, giving his head a little shake.

"Then you married me. Married me under false pretenses. I was miserable, but did you care? Of course not. You only cared about what _you_ wanted. _My_ feelings…"

"I wasn't trying to hurt you."

"Oh, bollocks. You knew what you were doing. You've known since the moment we met and you've never given a damn. You don't…" She swallowed hard, resisting the urge to cry. "You can't even imagine what it's been like for me to be married to you. Those first few months… I can't even tell you how lonely, how heartbroken, how rejected I felt. _You_ did that."

"I know I did, but…"

"I'm not finished," she said. "What you did… I started to believe that I'd never know what it was like to be loved. I felt like my life was over… until I found my way back to Severus. He… he changed everything. I found comfort in him, started to heal… I finally felt _loved_ , and what did you do? You tried to shame me for it. You said awful things about the man I loved, and then you forced me to take…"

"The Vow was your idea."

"What choice did I have?! If I hadn't done that, you would've gone after him, would've…"

"He slept with my wife."

" _And Sirius slept with my husband!_ " she shouted. "Have I ever threatened to hurt him? Have I ever tried to force the two of you apart?"

"That's different."

"So you can have someone to love but I can't?"

"I never said that. If it had been someone else…"

"Don't you _get_ it? I'd already _made_ my choice! I made it years ago, long before you and I got together. Severus and I might've had our ups and downs, but I loved him, James. Thinking you could change the way I felt, that you could win me from him like I was some sort of prize… it doesn't _work_ that way. You couldn't stop me from loving him… any more than I could stop you from loving Sirius."

Finally, _finally_ , she seemed to have gotten through to him. He opened his mouth and then closed it again, his expression bewildered.

"So," she said, determined to drive the point home. "If I told you Sirius was evil, if I insisted that he was the worst person in the world… would you see him any differently?"

"No."

"Is there _anything_ I could say or do that would change your feelings toward him?"

"No," James said quietly. "There isn't."

She didn't respond. There was no need to, really. At long last, he understood on some level, stonefaced and silent as he stared down at his hands. He didn't apologize, though of course, she didn't expect that. To apologize would mean he truly regretted his actions… she wasn't sure he was quite there yet, nor if he ever would be.

"Harry…"

"Ah, yes," she said. "Let's talk about Harry. Let's talk about the choice I was forced to make. You see, by the time I figured out I was pregnant, I'd already taken the Vow. Obviously, I couldn't turn to Severus for help, couldn't even let him know he was going to be a father. And then, of course, there was you. What would you have said if you'd known the truth? What would you have done?"

"I… I really don't know."

"I didn't know either, but I had no reason to trust you."

"I know." James said, letting out a heavy sigh. "I guess I can't blame you for…"

" _Damn right you can't blame me!_ It's _your_ fault that…"

She trailed off, glancing at the ceiling as Harry let out a wail. She started to get up, but James beat her to it, panic clawing at her throat as she watched him head toward the stairs.

"Shit."

She raced after him, skidding to a stop outside the nursery. Her eyes widened as she watched him lift Harry out of the crib, cradling him in the crook of his arm.

"Bloody hell," he said as he noticed her expression. "You didn't think I was going to hurt him, did you? I'm not a monster."

With that, he laid the baby on the changing table, replacing his soiled diaper with a fresh one. He carried him downstairs, setting him in his high chair before he retrieved a box of cereal from the cabinet.

"What are you doing?"

He shrugged. "Feeding Harry."

She sank into the closest chair, utterly baffled as she watched him lift a spoon to Harry's mouth. Of all the reactions she'd been expecting… well, she hadn't known _what_ to expect, honestly, but it wasn't this. To act as if nothing had changed?

Suddenly, she realized that it hadn't. Not really. What she'd said before…

 _"Is there anything I could say or do that would change your feelings toward him?"_

She'd been talking about Sirius, of course, but it was true in this case, too. James had become a father, had learned to care for Harry like he was his own son. Even his resentment toward Severus couldn't change that – the love he felt was strong enough to overpower his hatred.

"James?" she said quietly. "Do you know why I told you?"

He shook his head, handing Harry a tiny cup of pumpkin juice.

"Because you don't have to do this."

"What do you mean?"

"You're not his father. You don't have to put yourself in danger for his sake."

"Are you asking me to leave?"

"No," she said. "I'm just pointing out that you do have the option."

"Doesn't matter. I'm the only father he has, at least for now. I'm not going to just…" He hesitated, giving her an odd look. "What was it the prophecy said?"

"Which part?"

"Something about parents. Parents who thrice defied him. Do you think that applies to me? Or to Snape?"

"Could be either of you. Severus saved me during that last battle, killed another Death Eater to protect me. Both of those things would qualify as defying You-Know-Who, I'm sure. Other than that? I know he's switched sides. Maybe you don't believe it, but…"

"What I believe doesn't matter, does it?"

She smiled. "Not really."

"Yeah, well, I just hope you're right."

"James?"

"Yeah?"

"What are we going to do? You, me, our marriage, all of it."

"For now? I guess there's not much we _can_ do. We're still in hiding, and it doesn't look like the war will be over anytime soon."

"What about Severus?"

James frowned. "What about him?"

"He's Harry's father. Nothing's going to change that."

"Maybe not, but the Vow is still in effect for…"

"363 days," she finished for him.

"That all?"

She nodded. "I took the Vow on October 29 two years ago. Today's Halloween, remember?"

"Right. Well, if Snape manages to survive another year…" Judging by his expression, James wasn't thrilled by that prospect. "I guess we'll figure it out when the time comes."

"Fair enough."

Lily left the kitchen, sighing in relief as she headed upstairs. Their issues weren't fully resolved, perhaps, but she felt like they'd made progress. Would it last? She couldn't say. There was no telling how James would react when she reunited with Severus, no way of knowing if it would be possible for both men to be part of Harry's life. But for now…

For now, she couldn't help feeling optimistic, smiling as she settled herself at her desk.

 _Dear Severus…_

She wrote for hours, telling him all about the conversation she'd had with James. By the time she'd finished, it was well after nightfall, the house utterly silent as she crept downstairs.

"James?"

He had Harry in the crook of his arm, both of them dozing on the couch.

"Sorry," he muttered as she leaned over to retrieve the baby. "Must've fallen asleep."

"That's all right," she said. "I'm just going to…"

The rest of her words were lost, replaced by a crash of splintering wood as the front door was blasted apart. She spun on her heel, gasping as she spotted a black clad figure stepping through the shattered doorway.

"Lily, take Harry and go! It's him! Go! Run! I'll hold him off…"

That was the moment Lily truly forgave James. She forgave him for everything, though it was too late to make any difference. All she could do was barricade herself in the nursery, clinging to Harry as she heard heavy footfalls on the stairs.

* * *

 **Author's note** : _Judging by all the "don't kill Lily" reviews, I'm guessing some of you won't be happy with this outcome. I apologize, though I did include a warning in the summary/introductory notes. "Canon compliant until the HBP, expect a major character death, etc."_ :)

 _So where do we go from here? Part One was about Severus and Lily – Part Two will focus on Severus and Harry's relationship (i.e. Severitus). I'll be exploring what happens when Severus uncovers Lily's secret, how that affects the dynamic between him and Harry, and how both of those things will ultimately change the course of the war. The romance might be over, but this will always be a love story… there's tragedy, yes, but more than that, it's about love conquering hatred and finding healing through forgiveness. Most of all? It's about lies. How deeply lies can hurt us, yes, but also how they lose their power in the face of truth._

Veritas Omnia Vincit – _truth conquers all._

 _I hope you'll stick with me throughout the rest of this journey. I promise to make it a good one._


	13. Part Two: Severus and Harry

**Part Two: Severus and Harry**

* * *

Occlumency lessons…

Not for the first time, Severus wondered if Dumbledore had lost his bloody mind. True, it would be beneficial if Potter learned to shield his thoughts, but to suggest that _Severus_ might be able to teach him that ability? Madness.

"Three lessons, Mr. Potter," he said, sneering as he prowled the length of his office. "Three lessons, and we've accomplished nothing. How do you justify your lack of progress?"

"Sir, I…"

" _Legilimens._ "

As usual, he met with little resistance, plundering freely through Potter's memories. He paid little attention to the specifics of what he was seeing, casting recollections aside like so much rubbish as he waited for the boy to force him out. Quidditch practice, some foolish conversation with Weasley…

Finally, he felt a little push, choosing to withdraw though it really wasn't necessary to do so.

"Pathetic."

Obviously, Severus didn't enjoy these lessons, but that wasn't the extent of his frustrations. He was much more irritated with Dumbledore. Didn't the headmaster realize that this was a waste of time? Why couldn't he find someone more suitable to work with the boy? Yes, Severus was an accomplished Occlumens, but what did that matter? Without some level of trust, without a willingness to learn…

" _Legilimens!_ "

Potter gasped, completely unprepared for another invasion. Severus gave him no time to adjust, touching on a mundane memory that had taken place in Hagrid's hut before he was given several glimpses of Grimmauld Place. Remus bloody Lupin. Sirius fucking Black. The sight of them befouled Severus's mood even further, their smiling faces making him scowl as they stepped forward to embrace Potter. It was almost enough to make him forget the past 15 years, the resemblance so uncanny he could've sworn he was looking at the boy's father.

"In here, Harry. I have something to show you."

This was a different memory, one that had obviously taken place at night. The boy was clad in pajamas, yawning as he joined Black in the sitting room. Several items were spread out over the coffee table, including a wrought iron container that was roughly the size of a shoebox.

"What is that?" Potter asked.

"It belonged to your mother. She…"

This time, it was Severus who was caught off guard. Potter pushed him out with surprising force, panting as he retreated to the other side of the office.

"No more."

He could've forced the issue. Really, there was nothing stopping him from invading the boy's mind as many times as he pleased. But he also understood the need for caution, particularly where Lily was concerned. Revealing anything that could possibly be interpreted as curiosity? That was to be avoided at all costs.

"Next Monday, Mr. Potter. Don't be late."

* * *

The week that followed felt more like a month, Severus's dreams haunted by visions of Lily. She was always in the back of his mind, but it never took much to bring her to the forefront. The briefest reference, some small association, even just the mention of her name was enough to plunge him backward in time, his emotions a hopeless tangle of love, grief, and confusion, not to mention the relentless guilt that underscored everything else. It never got easier, no matter how much time had passed. The only thing that _had_ improved was his ability to function through the pain, keeping it carefully concealed at all times.

This situation was no different. He couldn't just plunder through Potter's mind and take what he wanted, no matter how tempted he might be to do so. He'd have to be subtle, showing no particular preference for the one thing – the _only_ thing – he was desperate to see.

Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday… at last, Monday rolled around, his body tense with anticipation as the boy stepped into his office.

"10 points from Gryffindor, Mr. Potter. I told you to be on time."

"It's only two minutes after…"

" _Legilimens!_ "

Once again, he was given unfettered access, though he reminded himself to be careful. He forced them both to relive the memory of last year's Sorting ceremony, followed by a mind numbingly boring bit of drama involving Weasley and Granger. Something about the Yule ball… oh, who the bloody hell cared? His senses only sharpened when he caught another glimpse of Black, gaunt as a scarecrow as he stood next to Lupin in the Shrieking Shack.

"Ah yes," he said, lowering his voice to a silky purr as he withdrew. "Your beloved godfather. It's a pity that the Dementors never got their hands on him. I can only imagine…"

Potter was fuming, which of course, was exactly what Severus wanted. It guaranteed that thoughts of Black would dominate his mind, making it easier to probe more deeply without arousing suspicion.

" _Legilimens._ "

He made sure to linger on several other memories before he returned to the sitting room. This time, Potter was holding the box, tracing the intricate carvings with the tip of his finger.

"This was my mum's?"

"That night… I wasn't able to save much, but I grabbed a few odds and ends."

Severus tore himself away, suffering through a couple memories of Potter interacting with his friends. Finally, he allowed the boy to push him out.

"Is it my imagination," he said, "or have you gotten worse?"

Potter didn't respond, though his expression was openly defiant. Taking that as an invitation to invade his mind again, Severus sifted through what seemed like a lifetime of memories before he came back to the scene at Grimmauld Place.

"What's in it?" Potter said.

Black shrugged. "Your guess is as good as mine. I've never been able to open it."

"Do you think…"

" _Not Harry, please no! Take me, kill me instead!_ "

Severus didn't know if it was Potter's doing or his own, but the connection shattered, leaving him gasping for breath. Fortunately, his reaction went unnoticed – Potter was on his knees, panting heavily as he looked up at the door.

"I want to leave."

He didn't wait for a response, slamming the door behind him as he fled the office. That should've earned him at least several hours of detention, though at the moment Severus couldn't bring himself to give a damn.

Really, it was only to be expected. The most prominent association the boy had with his mother was the way she'd died. Obviously, he wouldn't be able to think of her without that memory rising to the forefront, eclipsing everything else.

Severus should've been prepared for it. He should've braced himself, should've known that memory had to be deeply embedded in Potter's subconscious. Then again, could _anything_ have made it easier to bear?

" _Not Harry, please no! Take me, kill me instead!_ "

The desperation in her voice… the futility she must've felt in that moment, begging for mercy to no avail. The fact that Severus himself had put her in that position, all his efforts to save her proving to be in vain? Really, it was a wonder he'd found the will to go on after her death. All these years later and he still felt sick with remorse, unable to assuage his guilty conscience beyond his feeble attempts to protect her son.

A son he thoroughly despised.

Would it have made any difference if he'd learned to care for the boy? Perhaps, though that was a pointless question. Utterly stupid, really. Potter was the spitting image of his father, that foul, arrogant creature who'd made himself the bane of Severus's existence.

But it wasn't just Severus. Oh no. James Potter had mistreated Lily, too. His manipulation, his deceit, his willful neglect? Perhaps she'd chosen to stay with him, but was that truly what she'd wanted? Somehow, Severus didn't think so.

He'd entertained countless theories over the years, all of which had brought him to the same conclusion. It was that child that had sealed her fate. Any choice she might've had, the freedom to leave her despicable husband if she'd chosen to do so? That had been taken from her, lost in the moment she'd gotten pregnant. She would've been reluctant to leave the father of her child, no matter how deplorable that father might be. Doing so in the middle of a war when he was her only source for protection? She wouldn't have even _considered_ it.

Potter must've known that. He would've realized that a well-timed pregnancy would work to his advantage, chaining Lily to his side for the foreseeable future. She would've known that, too… was it really plausible that she'd _wanted_ to conceive that child?

No, of course not. Perhaps she would've felt obligated to perform certain… duties, but she would've never done so without taking precautions. That had to mean…

Oh, Severus knew _exactly_ what it meant.

How had Potter done it? Had he switched her contraceptive for fertility potions? Cruelly ironic that the two looked remarkably similar. He could've used a charm, perhaps, reversing the effects of whatever she'd ingested. He might've even convinced her to use Muggle prophylactics, which were easy to tamper with, not to mention far less reliable.

In the end, the specifics didn't matter. What _mattered_ was that he'd deceived her, just as he had so many times before. He'd fooled her into believing that Severus was the enemy. He'd lied about his bullying that final year, had tricked her into what was obviously an unhappy marriage. Forcing her to bear his child… was it really such a stretch to believe he'd been capable of that?

No, of course not. When had that bastard ever told Lily the truth?

That, Severus supposed, was why he hated the boy. What Potter had done to _him_ was certainly a factor, but what he'd taken from Lily… her innocence, her freedom, her right to make her own decisions, ultimately her life?

The boy hadn't done those things. Even through a thick cloud of resentment, Severus could see that. Yet still, he was the living, breathing embodiment of everything Lily had suffered, all the things that had been stolen from her. Every bit of that had come from a single source, the father's visage perfectly reflected in the son.

That face was a reflection of Severus's torment, Lily's pain mirrored back at him whenever he looked upon those features. Even the boy's personality… selfish, lazy, arrogant…

Yet Lily had loved him. Of course she had. Not because he'd grow up to be worthy of that love, obviously, but because she hadn't been capable of hating any child, let alone her own. It was for _her_ sake that Severus had offered his protection. He didn't have it in him to love the boy, any more than she'd had it in her to hate him. But he could at least do everything in his power to make sure her sacrifice hadn't been in vain.

Sighing heavily, Severus buried his head in his hands. He couldn't recall ever feeling so tired, already exhausted from a war that hadn't even begun. How long would it last this time? How would it end? Could he hope to find some small measure of peace when all was said and done? Or would he go to his grave despising himself, his life ending in yet another failure?

In the end, he supposed it didn't matter. There was only one path ahead of him, one he intended to follow to its inevitable conclusion.

* * *

"Sit down, Potter."

The boy gave him a wary look, dropping into the chair on the other side the desk.

"Are you ready for another lesson?"

"No."

" _Legilimens._ "

Ready or not, Potter was prepared this time. Of course, he did nothing to repel the invasion, but he'd armed himself with memories that made the experience even more unpleasant than usual. Severus saw himself being ridiculed in Lupin's class, caught a glimpse of his sour expression as Dumbledore robbed Slytherin of the House Cup. He even saw his robes catching fire, which of course, had been his reward for trying to prevent the boy from plummeting to his death.

"Impressive," he said as he withdrew. "Though such tactics will be even more useless against the Dark Lord than they are with me. I'd suggest you try a different approach."

"I don't know how…"

" _Legilimens._ "

Soon enough, Severus was back at Grimmauld Place, watching with bated breath as Potter attempted to open the box. He tried once, twice, and then a third time, mumbling a variety of unlocking spells. He even tried to blast it apart, a foolish move from Severus's perspective. Fortunately, that effort yielded no results other than a sigh of frustration.

"It won't open."

Black smiled. "Your mother was always good at charms."

He allowed himself to focus on the memory for a few more minutes, watching as the pair tested a multitude of passwords. This time, he wasn't worried about subtlety – Potter would most likely assume it was his continued failure that Severus found entertaining.

Under ordinary circumstances, he would've been correct. At the moment? Severus couldn't help hoping he'd succeed, curiosity having reached the point of desperation. What the bloody hell was in the box? Photographs? Keepsakes? Anything would've been precious – he had little to remember Lily by other than a couple photos he'd saved from the _Daily Prophet_ , both of which had been outdated even at the time of her death. What he needed was something more recent, something that might help him understand…

Understand _what?_

He didn't know how to answer that question, dismissing Potter with a wave of his hand as the boy finally managed to push him out. Retiring to his quarters, he fixed himself a pot of tea, hoping next week's meeting would yield more information.

* * *

Unfortunately, Monday's lesson didn't go as planned. They'd barely even started when Draco burst into the room, informing Severus that he was needed upstairs. Was it an emergency? Of course not. A simple spell was enough to free Montague from the toilet. He muttered under his breath as he returned to the dungeons, wondering why one of the other professors hadn't dealt with the issue. Why interrupt him at such a crucial moment? Now more than ever, he _had_ to know…

Clearly, he wasn't the only one who was curious.

He stormed into his office, slamming the door before he flung himself headlong into the Pensieve. He landed directly next to Potter, trembling with rage as he realized what was happening.

 _"Who wants to see me take off Snivelly's pants?"_

"Having fun?" he snarled.

The scene faded to black, returning them both to his office. It might've been a relief if he hadn't been so furious, shaking the boy quite violently before he flung him away. He felt exactly as he had in that memory, a deep, gut wrenching humiliation that was almost too much to bear. Potter tormenting him… Potter's son witnessing every minute of that… cheering his father on, no doubt…

" _You will not tell anybody what you saw!_ "

"No. No, of course I…"

" _Get out!_ " he shouted. "Get out! I don't want to see you in this office ever again!"

Was it enough that Severus's privacy had been invaded, his most painful secrets exposed? Of course not. The boy couldn't even leave the room without causing further damage, leaving hundreds of dead insects in his wake.

Forcing himself to take several deep breaths, Severus withdrew his wand from his sleeve. He cleaned up the broken glass, relocating the cockroaches to a different jar. By then, he'd stopped shaking, sighing heavily as he sank into his chair.

Did he regret losing his temper? No, not particularly. What Potter had done was inexcusable, a violation that couldn't have been ignored. Unfortunately, Severus's reaction had also ensured that there wouldn't be any Occlumency lessons in the near future. Even if he could stomach being in Potter's presence, which hardly seemed likely, the boy would find some way to weasel out of it.

Of course, there was one thing that made him feel somewhat better, a small comfort in the face of humiliation. He'd seen genuine fear in Potter's eyes, an unmistakable reminder that the boy couldn't torment him as his father had done. These days, it was Severus who held the power… a power he wouldn't hesitate to use if it became necessary to do so. If Potter ever chose to reveal his secrets? The consequences would be severe.

Potter would know that. Of course he would. He'd inherited none of his mother's cleverness, obviously, but he wasn't entirely stupid.

Severus glanced at the Pensieve, secure in the knowledge that his secrets were safe for the time being. As for that other secret, the box full of mysteries that had yet to be revealed? He could no longer hope to satisfy his curiosity through Occlumency lessons, but… well, perhaps there were other ways.


	14. Vows

**Vows**

* * *

Severus had never known 12 Grimmauld Place to be so quiet, especially when there were so many people in residence. Even that obnoxious portrait kept her mouth shut, watching him through narrowed eyes as he strode down the hall.

"Ah, Severus," Dumbledore said. "We're so glad you came."

Did the others share that sentiment? Probably not. Most of them did take the time to greet him, though he couldn't help noticing that the mood had changed as soon as he'd entered the room. Obviously, they hadn't forgotten his dislike for Black, which wasn't surprising. He certainly hadn't bothered to hide it the last time he was here.

"Headmaster," he said.

More than a dozen Order members had gathered around the table, sipping drinks or engaging in quiet conversation. He accepted the chair Dumbledore offered, relieved to be seated next to someone as benign as Arthur Weasley.

"Of course," Dumbledore said as he took up residence at the head of the table, "we all know why we're here. Sirius Black was…"

"A dear friend."

"Yes, Remus, though I imagine you'll agree he was much more than that. He fought valiantly for our cause, ultimately giving his life to protect his godson. He'll be…"

"Sorely missed."

"Indeed, Molly. A tragic loss, one that will not be forgotten."

Resisting the urge to roll his eyes, Severus focused on the cup of tea he'd been given as the others expressed their sorrows. He couldn't pretend he shared their grief – from his perspective, Black had been an arrogant fool who'd made one bad decision after another, the most recent of which had claimed his life. Granted, he wasn't _happy_ that his former nemesis was dead… but he wasn't sorry about it either.

"Severus, would you like to say a few words?"

He froze, shocked to find himself in such an awkward position. Then again, was it really so surprising? Dumbledore had spent years doing the same thing with Potter, determined to force him to say something positive about the boy. Obnoxious, yes, but at least that had been a private affair. It had never involved a captive audience, subjecting him to what felt like unbearable scrutiny.

Unbearable or not, he maintained his composure. He sipped at his tea, his expression stoic.

"In the future," he said. "We must be extra vigilant. We would not want Black's death to be in vain."

It wasn't what Dumbledore hoped for, obviously, but it seemed to satisfy the others. They murmured in approval, turning their attention to the food as Molly summoned several platters from the kitchen. After that, the subject matter mostly revolved around Order business, a subject Severus found much easier to stomach. He even managed to eat a little, lingering over the meal for as long as possible.

"More pudding?" Molly said.

Shaking his head, he mumbled his thanks as he rose to his feet. By then, more than half the Order members had departed, presenting him with the opportunity he'd been waiting for. He ducked into the sitting room, searching for the box he'd seen in Potter's memories. Unfortunately, it was nowhere to be found.

He stepped back into the hallway, hesitating as he glanced at the staircase. Was the box up there? Quite possibly, though he knew he couldn't risk going upstairs. There were still too many people around, and of course, he'd have no legitimate reason for being up there. He'd just have to wait for a better opportunity, assuming the box was still at Grimmauld Place. If Potter had taken it with him…

"Did you need something, Severus?"

He shook his head, irritated by Lupin's genial expression. Black had been an absolute shit, but at least he hadn't bothered to hide his hostility. That was preferable to the werewolf's excessive politeness, which was as grating as it was insincere.

"Nothing at all," he said smoothly. "I'll just be on my way."

* * *

Severus sat up in bed, shielding his eyes against a blinding flash of light. He reached for his wand, only to set it back down as he recognized Dumbledore's Patronus.

"Hogwarts," the phoenix said in a feeble voice. "Please, Severus, come quickly."

Five minutes later, he landed outside the gates, wishing he could've Apparated directly to the castle. He ran all the way to the Headmaster's office, tapping his foot impatiently as he waited for the gargoyle to move aside.

"Headmaster?"

Dumbledore was slumped over in his chair, barely conscious. He groaned, seemingly incapable of speech as he lifted his right hand a few inches. It was blackened, burned, obviously affected by some horrendous curse… Severus swore under his breath, casting a quick counterspell to bring the worst of the damage under control before he raced to the dungeon. Thankfully, he had the potion he needed, the most powerful antidote to Dark magic in existence. He worked tirelessly, though despite his best efforts, it soon became clear that the curse could not be reversed.

By then, he'd noticed the ring on the desk. It was a peculiar thing, ancient and sinister, the front of it cracked as if someone had removed a small object from its surface. A jewel, perhaps? Severus shook his head, glancing at the sword as he muttered another incantation.

"Why?" he demanded as Dumbledore came back to consciousness. " _Why_ did you put on that ring? It carries a curse, surely you realized that. Why even touch it?"

Ignoring the flurry of questions, Dumbledore examined his damaged hand. He seemed unnaturally calm, his tone pleasant as he praised Severus for his work.

"How long do you think I have?"

A year to live, and still, he showed no sign of alarm. He simply accepted the news, shrugging it off like he'd just been told it was going to rain tomorrow.

"Well, really, this makes matters much more straightforward." Obviously noticing Severus's confusion, he continued, "I refer to the plan Lord Voldemort is revolving around me. His plan to have the poor Malfoy boy murder me."

Severus sat down, infuriated all over again as he glanced at Dumbledore's hand. He didn't bother to comment, however, realizing that particular subject was not up for debate.

"The Dark Lord does not expect Draco to succeed," he said. "This is merely punishment for Lucius's recent failures."

Dumbledore had already come to that conclusion, of course. He'd also deduced that Severus himself would be expected to finish the job. He knew Voldemort was planning to take control of the school in the near future, extracting a promise from Severus that he'd do everything in his power to protect the students.

As for Draco…

"Ultimately, of course, there is only one thing to be done if we are to save him from Lord Voldemort's wrath."

Severus raised an eyebrow. "Are you intending to let him kill you?"

"Certainly not," Dumbledore said matter-of-factly. " _You_ must kill me."

* * *

Without question, it was the worst thing anyone had ever asked him to do. Why had he agreed to it?

Because Dumbledore's logic was sound. Even Severus had to admit that, unable to think of a better solution. Dumbledore's days were already numbered. A quick, painless death would obviously be preferable to the agony he'd suffer when the curse began to spread. He wouldn't have to worry about enemies taking control of the school, and yes, Draco would be spared. Murderous intent as opposed to an act of mercy? There was no comparison.

Still, it was a terrible thing to ask. To kill a man he truly respected, one he could almost call a friend? Every fiber of his being rebelled against it, though what choice did he have? He'd already given his word, and besides, his first and most important loyalty would always belong to Lily. She was the reason behind all of this, his vow to protect her son compelling him to proceed with the plan. It didn't matter how distasteful that plan might be, nor how reluctant he was to go through with it. If he had to kill Dumbledore to bring about Voldemort's defeat… well, he supposed there was no alternative.

That only became more apparent following his meeting with Narcissa. Until then, some small part of him had hoped that Dumbledore would find a loophole, sparing him from branding himself as a murderer and traitor. Now? He'd taken the Unbreakable Vow, forced to prove his loyalty beyond all doubt. His course of action had been set… there was nothing to do now but follow it to its bitter conclusion.

* * *

Severus didn't return to Grimmauld Place until late August, relieved to discover that the house was empty. Of course, that wasn't likely to last, but…

" _Get out of my house, you traitorous Half-blood scum!_ "

He didn't bother to respond, smirking as he silenced the portrait. He'd wondered why the others let her carry on with her abuse, only to realize that they didn't know any spells that might stop her. Those incantations _did_ involve Dark magic, after all, something they avoided at all costs.

If he'd been more generous, he might've offered a solution. At the very least, he might've acted on their behalf while he was in residence. He was who he was, however, barely able to suppress his amusement as Black's face had turned a mottled shade of red.

" _Blood traitor! Worthless filth! You are a stain upon my family's name…_ "

" _SHUT UP!_ "

Indeed, perhaps there were a _few_ things he'd miss about the miserable old dog.

Gripping his wand, Severus crept upstairs, pausing to Disillusion himself before he opened the closest door. He checked several rooms before he arrived at what could only be Black's bedroom. Who else would have chosen such tacky decor, cheap posters and Gryffindor colors covering the walls? He stumbled over an empty wine bottle, shaking his head as he scanned the shelves.

Where the bloody hell was the box? What was inside it? After nearly six months, he'd become desperate, willing to sacrifice almost anything for even the smallest memento of Lily. Was it wrong, attempting to take something that technically belonged to someone else? Perhaps, though what did it matter? If Potter couldn't even open it…

Honestly, Severus didn't know if he'd be able to open it either. Lily's talent with charms had exceeded his own, especially when it came to complex or rarely used spells. Still, he had as good a chance as anyone, probably better than most. Didn't he deserve an opportunity to try?

Perhaps, though that logic did him little good at the moment. The box was nowhere in sight, rekindling his fear that the boy had taken it somewhere else. He searched several more rooms before he finally gave up, shoulders slumping in defeat as he headed downstairs. But then suddenly, he stopped, one hand resting on the doorknob as he glanced back over his shoulder.

" _Accio_ … Lily's box."

After a moment, he heard a rattling sound from somewhere far above his head, followed by what could only be a house-elf shouting in protest. The box flew down the staircase, nearly knocking him over as it slammed into his chest.

He didn't know where it had come from. Didn't care, really. He tucked it under his arm, his heart pounding with anticipation as he Apparated back to Spinner's End.


	15. Secrets

**Secrets**

* * *

Naturally, Potter couldn't let Severus start the school year in peace. He couldn't even make it all the way to Hogwarts without getting into trouble, whether that was operating an illegal vehicle or brawling on the Hogwarts Express. Why couldn't he just show some restraint for once? This constant need to inconvenience everyone, this insistence on placing himself in danger?

Severus shook his head, his mood foul as he arrived at the gates. Was Potter truly too stupid to understand what it meant to be a target? Separating himself from the other students… why not stand right out in the open and hold up a bloody sign?

Indeed, it was fortunate that Nymphadora had been there to rescue the boy, though speaking of bad judgment…

"I was interested to see your new Patronus," he told her. "I think you were better off with the old one."

Cruel? Perhaps, though he didn't regret saying it. Nymphadora had never been a favorite of his, but she could certainly do better than Lupin. Had anyone bothered to tell her that? Somehow, he doubted it. Even if her poor choice got her killed, the rest of the Order would swear up and down that it hadn't been Lupin's fault.

"50 points from Gryffindor for lateness, I think," he said, turning his attention to Potter. "And let me see, another twenty for your Muggle attire. You know, I don't believe any House has ever been in negative figures this early in the term…"

To his surprise, the boy managed to hold his tongue, remaining silent on the long walk up to the school. A rare show of good judgment? Perhaps. Or maybe he was just trying to manipulate Severus into restoring the points he'd taken.

Deciding it was the latter, he made one more snide comment before he allowed Potter to join his friends.

"We are pleased to welcome a new member of staff this year," Dumbledore announced a few minutes later. "Professor Slughorn is a former colleague of mine who has agreed to resume his old post of Potions master."

This was what Severus had been waiting for, his one consolation in a world where he had little to look forward to. Draco's task, Dumbledore's hand, the Unbreakable Vow…

"Professor Snape, meanwhile, will be taking over the position of Defense Against the Dark Arts teacher."

"No!" Potter shouted.

Even if he hadn't wanted the position, the boy's outrage would've made it worthwhile to accept. As it was, he'd had legitimate reason for seeking the post, his knowledge and experience unparalleled. That was crucial now, far more crucial than it had been in years past. They were in the middle of a war, after all. These children had to learn how to defend themselves.

Of course, there was one student in particular who needed his guidance. Getting him to _accept_ that guidance? That would be a challenge, to say the least.

* * *

"I wish to speak to you," Severus informed his students, "and I want your fullest attention."

Potter's expression remained fixed, caught somewhere between boredom and loathing. Wasn't he _listening?_ Severus wasn't instructing him on how to cure boils or other such nonsense. These were matters of life and death.

"Your defenses," he said, elevating his voice, "must therefore be as flexible and inventive as the arts you seek to undo."

Of course, talking could only get him so far, even with his most respectful, attentive students. He instructed everyone to split into pairs, appalled to discover that most of them didn't have a clue how to cast nonverbals.

"Pathetic, Weasley. Here, let me show you…" He whipped around, pointing his wand at Potter.

" _Protego!_ "

Was the boy incapable of following even the most basic instructions? Granted, he'd cast an adequate Shield Charm, but that wasn't the point. Severus scowled, stumbling before he managed to right himself.

"Do you remember me telling you we are practicing _nonverbal_ spells, Potter?"

"Yes."

"Yes, _sir_ ," he corrected.

"There's no need to call me 'sir', Professor."

* * *

Severus fumed for the rest of the day, so incensed that he chose to skip the evening meal. At this point, the last thing he needed was another look at the boy's smug face. He really was a stunningly accurate representation of his father, arrogant and insolent, not half as clever as he thought he was. If he wasn't careful, didn't learn to _listen_ …

Sighing heavily, Severus settled himself in his sitting room before he ordered up a plate of sandwiches. He ate without tasting the food, ate because like so many things, it was necessary to do so. This year would require a lot of strength, perhaps more strength than he had. He just wished…

Wished _what_ , exactly? That Potter would learn to accept his guidance before it was too late? That he was more like his mother, a child who wasn't so impossible to deal with? Lily had been headstrong, yes, sometimes stubborn to a fault. But she'd also been modest, open-minded, willing to listen to other points of view. She hadn't been so… so…

Severus didn't bother coming up with another round of insults. As always, the thought of Lily was enough to reinforce his sense of purpose, reminding him that it didn't matter. He'd sworn to protect Potter, which he intended to do regardless of how deplorable the boy might be.

Finishing his meal, he glanced at the box on the shelf. It had sat there for more than a week, impervious to all his attempts to open it. Would tonight be different? It didn't seem likely, though he couldn't resist the temptation to give it another go. Summoning it with a flick of his wand, he set it on the table next to his chair.

" _Summa revelare_."

Nothing happened.

" _Nexosque resolueret_."

Again, nothing.

He shook his head, flipping through the book he'd retrieved from the library. It was a collection of ancient charms, most of which had fallen out of use over the past few centuries.

" _Absolvisti vicibus suis?_ " he said, attempting to duplicate the complex wand movement. He tried again, more confident this time, though it made no difference. The box remained sealed, seeming to mock his efforts.

He tried at least a dozen other spells before he finally gave up, cursing under his breath as he set it back on the shelf. One more sip of tea and he headed to bed, lying there for more than an hour before he finally fell asleep.

* * *

" _What's that?_ "

" _It's a diary, Sev. Look, I've been writing down everything you've told me._ "

Two heads were bent close together, one red, one black. The children sat on a patch of grass beside a dirty looking river, the sun setting slowly behind them.

" _It isn't 'Laymos', Lily_ ," the one with the black hair said. " _It's_ Lumos. _L-U-M-O-S_."

" _Oh, I'm so stupid. I thought you said…_ "

" _Don't ever call yourself that. You're the smartest witch I know._ "

" _Smarter than your mum?_ "

The boy nodded.

" _But I don't even know how to cast any spells._ "

" _You'll have no trouble learning once we get to Hogwarts. I bet you'll even make up a few of your own._ "

" _Really?_ " the redhead said, her eyes wide. " _You really think my magic is powerful enough for that?_ "

" _Of course I do. Wouldn't have said it if I didn't._ "

" _Maybe…_ " She giggled, a sound that made the boy beam in response. " _Maybe I'll invent the Laymos spell._ "

They both laughed, their voices trailing off into a faint echo as the scene faded to black.

* * *

Severus shot up in bed, his heart thrumming wildly as he reached for his wand. Hurrying to the sitting room, he snatched the box off the shelf, dropping into his chair before he settled it in his lap.

" _Lumos_ ," he whispered.

That didn't open the box, obviously, but it gave him enough light to see what he was doing. He lit a couple candles, holding his breath as he pressed the tip of his wand against the wrought iron lid.

" _Laymos_."

For a brief, utterly disheartening moment, nothing happened. But then he heard the slightest creak, the lid opening by slow degrees.

The first thing he noticed was her smell. He hadn't had so much as a whiff of that fragrance in nearly two decades, swallowing hard as countless memories flashed through his mind. They were far more vivid than they usually were, inspired by the knowledge that he was handling items she'd personally touched. He couldn't even see what they were at first, tears blurring his vision as he stacked them haphazardly on the table.

Gradually, they began to separate themselves, transforming into distinct, recognizable objects. Letters. Pictures. Dozens of vials, labeled in Lily's unmistakable handwriting. They were dates, he realized, his hands shaking as he arranged them in chronological order. October 29, 1979, which of course, was the last time they'd been together. July 31, 1980…

He grabbed the pictures, flipping through them in rapid succession. Lily… young, beautiful, vibrantly alive. He wiped his eyes so he could see her more clearly, frowning as he noticed a common theme. None of the pictures featured Lily by herself. She was always with the baby… holding him, sleeping beside him, giving him a bath or playing with him on the floor. There were even a couple of her breastfeeding, her expression so peaceful it brought a lump to his throat. She hadn't known what fate had in store for her, couldn't have imagined that she'd be dead in less than a year.

Then again…

He picked up a vial, the one labeled July 31. Memories of her in labor, perhaps even giving birth? Why would she have chosen to show him such intimate moments, knowing they could only cause him pain?

Severus couldn't begin to understand it, though he knew she'd had a purpose in sharing these things. So much focus on the child… that child he'd despised for so many years…

 _Potter's_ child.

Was that why she'd done this? Had she had some strange sense of foreboding? If she'd feared for her life, Potter's life… if she'd foreseen a time when the boy's protection might fall to _him_ …

Yes, he supposed she would've tried to form a connection. She would've appealed to his emotions, desperate to make him feel something that wasn't hatred or resentment. Obviously, she hadn't realized that it didn't matter. He would've protected _her_ child, regardless.

Setting the vial down, Severus placed the pictures back in the box before he reached for the letters. These were dated, too, each scroll tied with a slender length of ribbon. December 25, 1980. January 9, 1981. April, May, June… October 31, 1981.

She'd written him on the day she'd died? He shook his head, struggling to keep his emotions in check as he reached for the earliest scroll. August 1, 1980… he took a deep breath, untying the ribbon with a flick of his wrist.

 _Dear Severus,_

 _I know I'm supposed to be deliriously happy right now. I am, really, but I can't seem to stop crying. Is it normal to feel this way? I'm happy and miserable all at the same time… every part of me feels wonderful but everything hurts._

 _Is this what it's like to have a baby? I have no idea, and there's no one around I can ask. There's no one I can talk to at all, really. No one but you, which I guess is why I'm writing this letter._

 _Maybe that's where all this sadness is coming from. The only person I want… the only one I should be able to share this with… he isn't here. He_ can't _be here, and I know that's my fault, but I didn't have a choice. I hope you'll understand that, that you won't blame me for what I've done. I hope Harry won't blame me either. It's a terrible thing, keeping a son from his father, but…_

Had he read that wrong? Her handwriting was messier than usual, the ink smudged in several places. She'd been crying when she'd written this, exhausted in the aftermath of giving birth. Surely she hadn't meant…

 _He's yours, Severus. That's what I'm trying to tell you. I hope you'll hear it directly from me rather than reading it in a letter, but just in case… I need you to know how and why this happened._

He felt the color drain from his face, his hands shaking so badly he dropped the letter. Falling to his knees, he snatched it back up, only to realize he'd reached the conclusion.

 _I'm too tired to explain, but if you look at the memories… just the first two vials for now… that should help you understand._

 _I love you, Severus. I never stopped loving you. Someday you'll realize that, even if I can't tell you quite yet._

 _Yours,_  
 _Lily_

He was dreaming. He had to be. Sooner or later, he'd wake up, only to discover that the box was a product of his fevered imagination. It wouldn't be the first time he'd dreamed of her, fooling himself into believing all manner of things that weren't real.

This time would be no different. He was sure of it, yet there was no denying his curiosity. Summoning the Pensieve, he uncapped the earliest memory, dumping the contents into the basin.

It was as if the past 15 years had never happened. He fell forward only to be jerked back in time, landing in Potter's kitchen in the midst of a heated argument.

" _Severus? That's ridiculous_."

" _I would've thought so, too. When Peter first told me_ …"

The rat… that bloody rat had been spying on them? Severus shook his head, his eyes fixed on Lily as she spoke.

" _If you knew he was here, what we were doing… why didn't you…_ "

" _Why didn't I come back and catch you in the act?_ "

The argument continued, revealing any number of things that left Severus fuming. Potter had attempted to blackmail her. He'd tried to force her to have his child. In the end? He'd succeeded. She'd gotten pregnant only a few weeks after…

No, that wasn't right. What she'd said in her letter… it still didn't make sense, but…

 _"How did you know I was with him?"_

 _"Haven't we been through this already? I sent Peter…"_

 _"No, after the battle. Did you just assume, or…"_

 _"Tracking charm."_

Severus frowned, moving closer as Potter tossed a scrap of parchment on the table. It had an address written on it… _his_ address at Spinner's End. He watched Lily's face turn pale, wishing he could've been there to tell her not to panic.

Of course, _none_ of this would've happened if he'd been there. He didn't know what he would've done to stop it, but…

" _He's a bloody Death Eater!_ "

" _He's a better man than you'll ever be!_ "

Potter had never look so furious, lifting his hand like he was about to hit Lily. Severus moved to intervene only to remember that he didn't have that option. All he could do was snarl insults… insults that neither of them would ever hear.

Fortunately, Potter didn't hit her. He took a drink instead, shooting her a nasty glare.

" _This has to stop. You and Snivellus, whatever madness this is… it has to stop._ "

" _I don't want it to stop._ "

Lily went on to tell Potter that she didn't love him. She asked for an annulment, which he refused. It then became clear that Potter was having an affair, too. He'd been carrying on with… _Black?_ Lily didn't go into detail, but Severus had no trouble reading between the lines. A hundred tiny clues shifted into place… snatches of their current argument, things she'd told Severus, rumors he'd heard at school…

Potter's reasons for marrying her… what had she just said? He'd wanted to pass on his family's name. He hadn't been in love with her, or…

" _You can end it. That's the only option I'll accept._ "

" _And if I refuse?_ "

" _If you refuse, I'll give his address to the Order. I'm sure they'd love to capture a known Death Eater, especially when he's alone and vulnerable._ "

Lily was terrified now, which of course, had been Potter's intention.

" _What do I have to do?_ " she whispered.

 _"Break it off. Never see him again."_

" _Yes, but what do I have to do to keep him_ safe?"

Severus felt sick, knowing where this was going even as he realized there was nothing he could do to stop it. He wished he could bring Potter back to life… bring him back to life so he could deliver a second, much more excruciating death.

" _All right,_ " Lily said quietly. " _I'll take the Vow_."

One by one, the pieces settled into place, his stomach churning as he watched her negotiate the terms of their separation. He stood beside her chair as she wrote the letter, the one that had shattered his heart.

 _His_ heart? No, _her_ heart, which was infinitely worse. She was weeping now, her hand shaking as it moved across the parchment.

" _Be careful what you say. He needs to believe this is your choice._ "

" _This is wrong. James, please…_ "

Severus could hardly bear to watch what happened next. He forced himself to do it, however, knowing it was what Lily had wanted. He stood by as Potter took his bloody Vows, bracing himself for…

" _Actually, I've changed my mind._ "

" _But… you swore you'd do it! It was supposed to be me then you, then…_ "

" _Oh no, I'll take the Vow. But it won't be permanent._ "

Three years? If she'd only bargained down to one year, two…

She couldn't have known. Of course she hadn't. That was the cruelest part of all, the fact that they'd come _so close_. The day she'd died… only a year before the Vow would've expired, setting her free to do whatever she liked. No need to worry about Potter or Black, no reason to fear…

One more fucking year. They could've had _everything_.

Severus withdrew from the Pensieve, his body shaking as he landed in his sitting room. Shaking with rage? With grief? He couldn't say, taking a deep, shuddering breath as he attempted to collect his thoughts.

Indeed, so many things made sense now. He'd never understood why she hadn't responded to his messages, even just to tell him to leave her alone. Of course, it had never occurred to him that her doing so would've been an act of suicide.

Swallowing hard, he summoned his teapot as he rose to his feet. As desperate as he was to see the other memories, he needed a few minutes to calm down. It was all too much, nearly two decades of assumptions and misconceptions turned thoroughly inside out.

Speaking of misconceptions… the boy…

Five minutes later, he was back in the Pensieve, standing in an unfamiliar bathroom. Lily was alone this time, casting a charm he didn't recognize. She cast it once, twice, and then a third time, looking like she was about to faint as she pressed a hand to her stomach.

She never spoke, but it didn't matter. He understood what was happening.

That memory was much shorter than the last one, just the briefest glimpse of the past before he was transported back to the present. Remembering what she'd said, he picked up the next letter, his legs giving out beneath him as he dropped into his chair.

 _I'd never been so scared,_ she'd written. _What was I supposed to do? Terminating the pregnancy wasn't an option, but James would know that the baby wasn't his. We'd never done that, you see. Came close a few times, but since he's never fancied girls…_

James Potter was homosexual. Severus had suspected it in light of the affair with Black, but having it confirmed…

Lily had never been with anyone else. That night at the cottage… why hadn't she told him? Deciding it didn't matter, he shook his head as he continued to read.

 _I won't tell you what I had to do. I don't want to think about it, honestly. The point is, I figured out how to make him think the baby was his. I lied about how far along I was, lied about the due date… I even found a way to lie to you. I sent out a bunch of letters…_

Oh yes, Severus knew about the letters, one of which had set his mind at ease. The false due date, placing her well out of danger… the same date that had made it impossible for him to believe what she was telling him now…

 _I'm sorry, Severus. I'm so sorry. I didn't want to hide it from you, but what else could I do?_

The last thing he wanted was her apology. What he wanted – what he _needed_ – was to know the rest. If this was a dream…

No, this wasn't a dream. It _couldn't_ be. No dream had ever been so thorough, so brutal, so utterly bewildering that he hardly knew who he was anymore.

Uncapping the next vial, he braced himself as he dropped the silvery substance into the Pensieve.

First, he was given glimpses of her pregnancy, her body changing so rapidly he could hardly keep up. The memories only slowed down when he arrived at her bedside, faint rays of sunrise creeping through the window.

 _July 31, 1980_ …

By then, he'd done the math. If what she said was true, she would've been a week past her due date when this memory took place. She certainly looked that way, her belly so massive it took her several attempts to sit up.

" _I think I'll spend the day in bed,_ " she called to Potter, wincing as she pressed a hand to her lower back, " _see if I can nap until later this evening_."

Severus knew she'd given birth at home. He also knew she'd done it without a midwife present. Still, he'd assumed she'd had _someone_ there to help her. He'd also assumed that it had happened so fast there wasn't time to make it to St. Mungo's. Why else would she…

She wouldn't have… unless, of course, she'd had something to hide.

16 years of preconceived notions shattered, forming a very different picture as the pieces settled into place. A long, grueling labor… an ordeal she'd chosen to go through alone…

At first, it wasn't so bad. She paced back and forth, ate breakfast, even took a nap, her expression peaceful as the scene faded. But then morning gave way to afternoon, her voluminous nightgown replaced by a towel as she returned to the bedroom. She barely had time to close the door before she grimaced, an expression that told him her pain was getting worse.

" _Bloody hot_ ," she muttered when the contraction ended. The towel was on the floor now, but she didn't seem to notice, casting a cooling charm before she summoned a glass of water. Her body…

No, this child wasn't premature. Severus was no expert, but one look at her told him all he needed to know. Her breasts were heavy and swollen, belly so distended it was a wonder she didn't topple over. Five weeks early? No one would've believed that. She was obviously nine months pregnant… nine months and then some.

He didn't have time to dwell on what that meant. There was a splash, followed by a sharp cry… Lily gripped the bedpost, her face pale as she eased herself onto the mattress.

" _I can do this,_ " she whispered. " _Muffliato_."

A moment later, her features contorted, her mouth opening to unleash a scream. The memories were fragmented now, brief flashes of her gasping and moaning, arching her back, hands clawing at the sheets. Suddenly it was nighttime, her body silhouetted in darkness, skin glistening with sweat beneath a single shaft of moonlight. Her suffering was unbearable to watch, all the more so when she started pleading for someone to help her.

No, not _someone_. **Him**.

" _Severus…_ "

He hadn't been there… hadn't even _known_ …

" _Please… Severus… oh god, I can't…_ "

She cried out for him several more times, twisting his heart until he groaned right along with her. His was a different kind of pain, yet agonizing nonetheless… he fell to his knees, his face level with hers.

"If I'd known," he told her, "I would've never let it happen this way. I would've…"

He didn't know how much he could've done, honestly, but she would've at least had potions to ease the pain, words of encouragement, the knowledge that she wasn't alone. He could've alleviated her fears, would've told her…

"You'll make it through this. I know you don't realize that yet, but you will."

She didn't hear him. Of course she didn't. She reached for her wand instead, casting what appeared to be a diagnostic charm.

And then…

" _Bloody hell._ "

She leaned forward, panting and pushing for several minutes before she fell back against the pillows. Again and again, she repeated the process, though it was a futile effort. He could hear that in the noises she made, frustration mingled with a sharp edge of fear. She pushed with all the strength she had, her body trembling with effort, yet still…

Suddenly, she was kneeling, stomach visibly tightening as she hunched forward. She still sounded miserable, grunting and straining, but this was something different. There was relief in her voice, too.

" _Lumos! Accio mirror!"_

He tried to move closer, but the memory shifted. The next thing he knew, she was pushing again, groaning low in her throat, tears streaming down her cheeks. She pushed with more force than he would've thought any human was capable of, reaching down to cradle the small, dark head as it appeared by slow degrees. He held his breath as she screamed, unleashing the most gut wrenching sound he'd ever heard as the baby's shoulders emerged. Shoulders… chest… with one last push, she forced the rest of him out, slumping forward with a barely audible whimper.

Try as he might, Severus couldn't comprehend what happened next. In the blink of an eye, Lily's suffering was gone, replaced by unfathomable joy. She beamed down at the infant, exhausted yet triumphant, her expression filled with so much love that he…

He didn't know _what_ he was feeling, honestly. It was all too much, impossible that…

" _Well, Severus, I guess we have a son._ "

How could that be true? Those words contradicted everything he was, everything he'd thought and felt and believed for nearly two decades. She wasn't lying, obviously, but…

He leaned forward, peering over her shoulder as she wiped the baby clean. It was then that he saw it, a tiny birthmark he instantly recognized. It was a perfect replica of his own, located in the exact same place… he felt faint, teetering on his feet as Lily's son opened his eyes.

Lily's son? _His_ son.

It wasn't just the birthmark. Those thin lips, the slight hook at the end of the baby's nose? The features were a bit softer, eyes a vivid shade of green, yet still…

Still, there was no denying that this child was his.

" _How?_ " he asked Lily. "How did you do it?"

His question was answered when she started to cry, tracing her wand over their son's features. The little face transformed, nose smaller, lips fuller. Subtle changes, but they made all the difference. The only thing left was that birthmark, which she chose to leave intact.

Again, the memory shifted. She was lying down now, cradling the baby as he suckled at her breast. Her eyes were underscored by dark circles, face pale with fatigue, but her _expression_ … Severus had never seen anything like it. So blissful, so beautiful… it was enough to make him forget their separation, reaching out to touch her only to be met with empty air.

"Lily…" he whispered, his voice choked with anguish. "I wish…"

He never got to finish. The memory faded, her eyes drifting closed as she stroked the tiny head with the tips of her fingers…

* * *

Severus didn't know how long he stayed there, face down on his sitting room floor. Time had ceased to exist, tears soaking the carpet as he lay there weeping.

No, not just weeping. These were harsh, gut wrenching sobs, his body heaving violently as he struggled to make sense of it all. The forced separation, the unintended pregnancy, the child…

Bloody hell, the _child_.

He didn't know how he found the strength, but somehow, he pushed himself to his feet. He stumbled into the bathroom, his eyes so swollen he could hardly see as he stripped off his clothes. A cold shower… maybe that would jolt him back to reality? No, this _was_ his reality now, a world where he'd conceived a son with the woman he loved.

A son he hated.

No, he didn't hate the boy. Certainly not now, but even before he'd known the truth…

" _You're just like your father. Lazy, arrogant._ "

It was James he'd hated, a hatred so strong it had blinded him to everything else. James Potter, who'd taken everything from him, from Lily… he'd seen that reflected back at him in the boy's features, assuming it was mirrored from the inside as well.

Oh yes, that's what he'd seen. He'd seen it because he'd _wanted_ to see it, because he hadn't bothered to look for anything else. He'd needed someone to lash out at, someone to blame… what better target than a son who was as despicable as his father?

But Potter _wasn't_ his father. Those characteristics… the laziness, the entitlement, the cruel arrogance? The boy hadn't inherited them through genetics, nor had he been around Potter long enough to succumb to his negative influence. He'd been a victim, just like Lily and Severus, not an extension of someone with whom he'd never shared any connection. He might _look_ like Potter, but even that was no more than an illusion. He was…

Severus had no idea _who_ he was, honestly. All he'd ever seen was a child who obviously didn't exist. Taunting him. Bullying him. Holding him responsible for someone else's sins. He hadn't seen…

Of course he hadn't seen it. Lily had been far too clever in her deception, one she'd been forced to carry out as a result of Potter's treachery. That treachery had hurt their son, too, depriving him of his mother… his _real_ father…

A father who'd punished him for that deprivation.

Severus shook his head, summoning fresh robes as he stepped out of the shower. He couldn't even begin to process it all. Didn't have that luxury, really. His first class would be starting in less than an hour… somehow, he'd have to pull himself together and behave as if nothing had changed.

How was he supposed to do that? It seemed impossible, and yet he didn't have a choice. Sighing, he dosed himself with a Calming Draught, applying a bit of ointment to reduce the puffiness around his eyes.

Yes, that would do. Just one more thing…

He stared at himself in the mirror, drawing upon everything he'd ever learned about Occlumency. One by one, he erected his shields, stashing memories behind them like carefully guarded treasures. He watched his expression change as those memories faded into a distant echo, twisted features smoothing into an emotionless mask.

Five minutes later, he exited his quarters, not so much as a hair out of place as he strode down the hall.


	16. Oddities

**Oddities**

* * *

Harry hadn't even gotten through a full week of classes, and Snape had already taken 50 House Points and given him detention. How would he be punished for this latest offense?

Honestly, it wasn't his fault. He couldn't have known that the staircase would swing the wrong way, forcing him to take a longer route. He hadn't expected to run into Peeves either, who'd found a way to block the door he needed to get through. Both were perfectly legitimate excuses, though did it matter? Of course not. He was still 5 minutes late – no way Snape was letting him off the hook for that.

He slipped into the Defense classroom, cringing as a dozen heads swiveled in his direction. Snape looked up from his desk, black eyes narrowing as they met his.

"Sir, I…"

"Sit down, Potter."

Was that all? He frowned, taking a seat next to Ron and Hermione.

"I saw little progress in our previous class," Snape said as he rose to his feet. "I am, however, forced to concede that the fault lies with your previous instructors."

"Where were you?"

"Shhh!" he hissed at Ron.

"Five points from Gryffindor, Mr. Weasley. As I was saying, it will take time and effort to overcome such shoddy teaching. Split into pairs, if you will."

Like last time, he teamed up with Ron, the two of them standing a few feet apart as they waited for further instruction.

"Nonverbal spells," Snape continued, "might very well save your life if you learn how to cast them efficiently. Consider that when you perform this exercise."

Harry wasn't ready for Ron's attack. He reacted without thinking, a jet of red light shooting from the tip of his wand.

" _Expelliarmus!_ "

"Mr. Potter," Snape said, taking Ron's arm and heaving him to his feet. "Once again, you've failed to heed my instructions. Why?"

"I'm not _trying_ to…"

"Why?" he repeated. "What goes through your mind when you're attacked?"

"Trying not to piss himself, I'll bet."

" _Quiet_ , Draco!"

Snapping at a student wasn't unusual for Snape. Snapping at _Draco?_ Harry glanced at Ron, who shook his head in bewilderment.

"Mr. Potter? I'm waiting for an answer."

"I… I don't know, sir. Nothing, I guess."

He braced himself, expecting a snarky remark. Instead, Snape looked thoughtful, scrutinizing his features like he expected to find the answer there.

"Nothing?" he repeated. "Yes, well, see me after class."

Suddenly, it all made sense. Snape was choosing to be neutral, trying to catch him off guard so he could be twice as nasty in private. What would it be this time? More detentions? Suspension from the Quidditch team? Harry scowled, lifting his wand as Ron launched another attack.

" _Protego._ "

This time, it was a whisper rather than a shout, though he still felt like a failure. It didn't help that Hermione overheard him, shaking her head as she disarmed her opponent.

"Like this, see? You've just got to…"

"Class dismissed."

He stayed where he was, swallowing his anxiety as the other students trickled out. Ron was the last to leave, shooting him a sympathetic look over his shoulder.

"Nothing," Snape said, closing the door with a flick of his wand. "That's the best explanation you can give?"

"I… I don't think anything or feel anything. I just act."

"Interesting."

Snape moved closer, giving him that peculiar look he'd seen earlier. It was as if he was trying to see right through him, black eyes lingering on his face for an abnormally long time before they flickered away.

"With your permission," he said, "I'd like to try an experiment."

His _permission?_ Since when had Snape asked his permission to do anything?

"Um, okay."

" _Silencio_."

It happened so fast Harry didn't have time to block it, even with a verbal spell. Of course, he didn't have that option now, unable to utter a word as Snape lifted his wand again.

"Repel me."

How was he supposed to do that? He didn't know how…

" _Expelliarmus_."

The wand flew out of his hand, landing halfway across the room. Snape retrieved it with a summoning spell, tossing it in his lap.

"Try harder," he said. " _Expelliarmus_."

This time, Harry managed a partial block, catching his wand before it hit the floor. Snape nodded, taking aim at him again.

" _Expelliarmus!_ "

He didn't know how he did it, but the strength of his Shield Charm knocked Snape backward, sending him tumbling over the desk. Great. Now he'd _definitely_ be punished.

"Well," Snape said as he pushed himself to his feet, "it seems you _are_ capable of casting an adequate nonverbal."

 _Adequate?_ Harry blinked. That was like anyone else telling him it was bloody brilliant.

" _Expelliarmus!_ "

Again, he blocked the spell, though this time, Snape had the forethought to brace himself against the wall. He stumbled only slightly, canceling the Silencing Charm as he righted himself.

"Now," he said, "What have you learned from this little exercise?"

"That I should muzzle myself if I want to cast nonverbals?"

"What did I tell you about cheek?"

"Sorry."

Snape jerked his head, dismissing the apology. " _What did you learn?_ "

"I learned…" Harry frowned. "I guess I learned that I automatically choose the easiest option. When that was taken away, I…"

"Not the easiest," Snape said. "The most instinctual."

"Yeah."

"And what does that tell you?"

"That it's a habit? I don't think about it, I just do what I know how to do."

"Indeed," Snape said. "You cast verbal spells because that knowledge is already ingrained in you. Of course, that also hinders your ability to follow instructions…"

"I'm sorry."

"You're not listening, Mr. Potter."

"No, I am! I only meant…"

"Miss Granger has had no trouble with these lessons. Do you know why?"

"Hermione's good at everything."

"No, it's because her magic _doesn't_ come naturally. It's a conscious choice. Predetermined. Logical. Methodical."

"So," Harry said, "you're telling me I need to be more like her?"

Snape shook his head. "I'm telling you that your magic works differently. As such, your learning process must be different, too. For you, it isn't about following instructions. It's…"

"Forming habits?"

"Precisely," Snape said, looking oddly pleased. "The nonverbal _will_ become instinctual, but it won't be easy. You'll need a great deal of practice."

'Yes, sir."

"Apply yourself. I expect to see improvement next class. If I don't…"

"Yes sir, I understand."

Snape nodded, jerking his head toward the door. "Dismissed."

* * *

Severus should've assigned another detention. He should've at least taken a few House Points. Potter _had_ arrived late, after all, which…

Potter? No, _Harry_. He'd started referring to him by his first name, at least in his own mind. Outwardly? The boy was still Potter, a student he was supposed to despise. Unfortunately, the latter was swiftly becoming a problem.

 _If anything should happen, he's going to need you. He'll need your protection, but more importantly, he'll need your love. You're the only father he has, Severus, no matter what James or anyone else believes. Promise me…_

For nearly a week now, he'd sat up all night reading Lily's letters. He'd committed the pictures to memory, spent hours in the Pensieve. He'd even watched her go through labor a couple more times, still stunned by the knowledge that the child she'd given birth to was his. It was as miraculous as it was tragic, one brief, shining glimpse of the life they might've had together.

That memory broke his heart, though he also found comfort in it. He hated to see her suffer, of course, but the expression on her face as she'd gazed at their newborn child…

 _When I took the Vow, I felt like I'd lost everything. I didn't know how I was going to make it through the next three years. Harry changed all that. He brought me back to life, gave me joy and hope and a sense of purpose. I can't even begin to explain how much I love him, or how much I love_ you _for giving him to me._

 _It still hurts, being apart from you. It's scary, not knowing what to expect. But even if the worst should happen and I never see you again, I know I'll be able to face it because I have Harry. I'll have a part of you with me, always, one that no one can take away._

Insane, perhaps, but he'd started responding to her letters. Sometimes he wrote as if the past 15 years had never happened, making promises he'd never be able to keep. Other times, he remained in the present, struggling to articulate his regrets.

 _Dear Lily,_

 _You never had to ask me to protect him. I have done so for all these years, never knowing that he was mine. Asking me to_ love _him? That's the one thing I couldn't give you. I wasn't even willing to try, because the truth is, it was so much easier to despise him. He was Potter's child, or so I thought, the reason I lost you long before that night in Godric's Hollow. I couldn't look at him without seeing everything that had gone wrong in my life, all my mistakes and failures. How was I supposed to move past that?_

 _To tell you the truth, I_ still _don't know how. I don't know how to reconcile with the past, the way I've treated him, the regrettable things I've done. I don't know how to cope with the present either. All I_ do _know is that I don't hate him anymore. I don't want him to hate me either._

 _What do I do, Lily? How can I even begin to make up for all the damage I've done when there are so many factors working against me? The war, the need for secrecy, the Dark Lord and Dumbledore and the Vow. That bloody Vow… I have no choice but to go through with it. I must do the one thing our son will never, ever forgive. What's the point in attempting to earn his trust?_

 _There is no point. Deep down, I know that. It's already too late, yet I can't seem to stop myself from trying._

It was foolish, really. Foolish and selfish and remarkably shortsighted. Worse than that? It was downright cruel. Knowing he had to kill Dumbledore, yet still making an effort to repair his relationship with Harry? It would be far more merciful to let his son go on hating him.

That was the brutal irony in all of this. He'd spent years mistreating Harry and never, not once, had he regretted it. Now that he wanted to make amends? Being harsh was the kindest thing he could possibly do.

The kindest, though certainly not the easiest. All those years of coldness, snide remarks and unfair punishments? Every bit of that had been directed at _Potter's_ son.

" _What goes through your mind when you're attacked?_ "

" _I… I don't know, sir. Nothing, I guess._ "

If that response had come from Potter's son, Severus would've interpreted it as laziness. He would've taken House Points or assigned detention, dismissing the boy as a lost cause. Hearing that response from his _own_ son? That was another matter entirely.

" _I don't think about it, I just do what I know how to do._ "

Instinctual magic. Severus knew it well, having wrestled with it himself in his younger years. His instincts had driven him to cast Dark spells, far more extreme than were necessarily warranted. He'd had to learn through trial and error to form appropriate habits, treating nasty curses as a last resort rather than his first defense.

Harry would learn to control his impulses, too. True, he needed practice, but he was certainly capable of…

"Shit. "

Severus gripped his arm, his stomach twisting as the Dark Mark started to burn. Rushing to the Pensieve, he rid himself of all his most vulnerable memories, stashing the remnants behind his shields. Would it be enough? He hoped so. The alternative was unthinkable.

Somehow, he maintained his composure, retrieving his robe and mask before he sent word to Dumbledore.

" _I have been summoned. I'll notify you when I return._ "

* * *

"Ah, Severus. I'm so glad you could join me."

"My lord." He bowed deeply, careful to show the proper amount of respect. The two of them were alone in the Malfoys' drawing room, a sinister stillness hanging heavy in the air.

"Please, be seated."

He did as he was told, already knowing what to expect. He'd heard rumors for weeks, whispers of the Dark Lord's increasing paranoia. Really, he was lucky he hadn't been summoned before now. Other followers had been called in multiple times, subjected to deep scrutiny that left most of them cowering in fear.

Severus didn't cower. He remained stoic, swallowing his terror as he pushed various memories even deeper into the recesses of his mind.

"I won't waste your time, Severus. I know you have duties to attend to."

"Yes, my lord, though my allegiance to you always takes precedence."

"Does it?" Voldemort said, his serpentine eyes gleaming.

"Of course," Severus responded. "See for yourself."

"Far be it for me to refuse such an offer. _Legilimens_."

As always, his first instinct was to push back. Forcing himself to relax, he took a slow, deep breath as he brought a memory to the forefront. Had he been less skilled, this tactic would be obvious. Fortunately, he'd learned how to make it seem natural, as if the recollection had surfaced without conscious thought.

He showed Voldemort an image of himself at the gates, taunting Potter and taking excessive House Points. There he was again, snarling at Potter as he gave him detention. Potter… he couldn't allow himself to think of the boy as anything else. Instead, he focused sharply on these memories, the hateful ones, the ones he'd already come to regret, knowing they were exactly what the Dark Lord wanted to see.

The rest was easy. He supplied the information he'd been given, carefully chosen tidbits with that made it seem as if he'd been spying on Dumbledore. He followed that up with several glimpses of himself bowing before Voldemort, memories that had been colored by his own manipulations.

And what would the Dark Lord see? A version of Severus who was utterly servile, desperate to please his master. He'd been careful to remove any trace of resentment, his real feelings buried so deep that even the most skilled Legilimens could never hope to reach them.

"Good," Voldemort said, nodding as he withdrew. "Very good. I'll summon you when I require your services again."

* * *

Severus didn't realize he'd been holding his breath. Not until he stepped outside, nearly fainting with relief as he gulped in huge mouthfuls of chilly autumn air. He gave himself a moment to recover before he strode across the grounds, eager to get back to Hogwarts.

No, he didn't want Harry to hate him, but what was he supposed to do? At this point, he had no choice but to play his part to utter perfection. To deviate from that path, even a little, could easily spell failure. Not just failure for himself, but for Harry, too.

He couldn't let that happen. Not now. He'd always intended to protect Lily's son, of course, but that had taken on a whole new meaning, so much deeper and more significant than he'd originally thought. Reading her letters, watching those memories… the most painful thing about it was that he hadn't been there to keep them safe. Not just her. _Them_.

That wasn't his fault. Not entirely. If Potter hadn't forced her to take that bloody Vow…

Severus shook his head, pushing the thought away. The point was, he hadn't been there when they'd needed him. Perhaps it was too late for Lily, but their child, the one he'd never known existed? That child was still very much alive. Whatever it took, Severus intended to make sure he remained that way.

Yes, he'd protect Harry. There'd never been any question of that. Telling him the truth? That was another matter entirely. Even if Harry believed him, which didn't seem likely, it was too much of a risk. He refused to put his son in further danger simply for the sake of coming clean.

So what was the alternative? Allowing Harry to live out the rest of his life believing he was Potter's son? Just the thought of that made him feel ill, but what else could he do?

Severus sighed, shedding his robes as he entered his quarters. One by one, he withdrew his memories from the Pensieve, replacing them in his head. Many of them revolved around Lily's box, of course, all those truths she'd managed to reveal from beyond the grave. Letters, pictures, memories…

His eyes widened, fixating on the last silvery strand that still clung to the tip of his wand.

"Lily," he said quietly, "you're a genius."

Five minutes later, he'd conjured a second box, larger and more plain than Lily's. He duplicated her photographs and tucked them inside, enclosing the letters she'd written specifically for their son. He added some of her memories, too, though he was far more selective with these. Did Harry really need to see his mother give birth to him? Probably not. Better to show him the aftermath, an exhausted yet blissful Lily cradling her newborn baby as she drifted off to sleep.

That, of course, was the easy part. His own memories? He wasn't ready to delve into those quite yet. He settled himself in his armchair instead, summoning quill and parchment.

 _Dear Harry,_

 _If you have obtained this box and the contents within, it's safe to assume that I am dead. It's also safe to assume that you feel no grief over my demise, and for that, I cannot blame you. I have made many mistakes in my life, though my greatest regret…_

Harry would never see this particular letter. Severus would rewrite it a dozen times, not satisfied until he'd agonized over every word. Nonetheless, he felt better, signing it with a flourish before he tucked it in the box.

He couldn't risk telling Harry the truth. Not when Voldemort was still a threat, when secrecy was a matter of life or death. He couldn't undo years of damage in a matter of months, nor could he avoid killing Dumbledore, a betrayal that would surely make Harry hate him even more than he already did.

But someday…

Someday, the truth would be revealed. In the meantime…

He couldn't go back to the way things were before. Deep down, he knew it, recalling the look he'd seen in Harry's eyes that day. Those brilliant green eyes, remarkably like his mother's… eyes that for once, had looked at his father with something other than hatred.

It wasn't much, just a flash of relief when Harry realized he wasn't going to be punished. Following that, he'd been more receptive to what Severus was trying to teach him. Still wary, but receptive.

Wasn't that a _good_ thing?

Yes, of course it was. Harry needed to know how to defend himself, and Severus was in a position to impart that knowledge. If there was a way he could do so more effectively…

Attempting to earn Harry's trust for his own sake? Yes, that _did_ seem selfish. Doing so as part of the war effort? That was more excusable. Not only that, but he'd have the perfect cover if Dumbledore started asking questions.

" _As much as I loathe it, it's impossible to teach such a spoiled child without a bit of coddling._ "

And if word got back to Voldemort?

" _My lord, he won't be under Dumbledore's protection forever. Earning his trust might very well work to our advantage._ "

Yes, that would do.

Severus's rationale was solid, though he wasn't thinking about Dumbledore or Voldemort when he fell asleep that night. He wasn't dwelling on Harry's education either, important though it was. All he recalled was the way his son had relaxed in his presence, if only for a moment. No hatred, no animosity, just…

Relief.

* * *

" _Get out! I don't want to see you in this office ever again!_ "

Harry had never seen Snape so furious, white faced and shaking as he'd flung him across the room. That had been nearly a year ago, the night he'd seen those awful memories in the Pensieve. Snape would remember it too, no doubt. He'd get his revenge by assigning some disgusting punishment, whether that was scrubbing bedpans without magic or sorting rotten flobberworms.

Still, it was strange that he was allowing Harry to come back to his office. Almost as strange as the way he'd acted in their last class. No punishments, no snarky remarks? Why hadn't he…

"Here for your detention, I presume?"

Harry jumped, whirling around to see a black clad figure approaching from behind. He nodded, deciding it was best not to speak as Snape ushered him inside.

"Sit over there."

A table had been set up on one side of the office, piled with sacks of… well, he probably didn't want to know what was inside them. He sat down, awaiting further instruction.

"You'll find a number of jars at your feet," Snape said. "Fill them."

He opened the first sack, expecting to find insects or animal parts. Instead, he caught a whiff of a sweet fragrance, his eyes widening as he withdrew a handful of dried blossoms.

 _Lavender?_

This was a trick. It had to be. He emptied the first sack, filling several jars before he reached for the second. More lavender? He repeated the process, shaking his head as he opened the third sack. He expected the last one to contain something hideous, but it was just more flowers, a soft, pleasant aroma filling the room as he twisted the lid on the final jar.

"Sir, I…"

He trailed off, realizing that Snape was watching him. Snape quickly averted his eyes, but not before Harry caught a glimpse of his expression. It was the same look he'd seen in class, strangely curious, almost… _hungry?_ Whatever it was, it didn't make sense. He felt like he was looking at a stranger.

"I've finished," he said. "What else…"

"That will be all for now. You may go."

Was he joking? Harry headed for the door, expecting Snape to tell him how foolish he was before assigning his _real_ punishment. He twisted the doorknob, let himself out into the hall, and even then, Snape never said a word. There was just that look, one that still puzzled him as he joined Ron and Hermione in the Gryffindor common room.

"Less than an hour and he didn't make me do anything awful. He didn't punish me for being late to class either."

"You're bothered because he's being _nicer_ to you?" Hermione said.

"No, it just doesn't make any sense."

"He's probably plotting something." Ron shrugged. "Earning your trust so he can turn the tables on you."

"Yeah, that's what I thought, too, but he's never acted like this before. When he wants to be nasty, he's just nasty. He's never acted…"

"Nice?" Hermione suggested.

"I wouldn't call it nice. Just… less horrible."

"Maybe he's tired of torturing you the usual way," Ron said. "Thought he'd try something different."

" _Torture?_ That's a little strong. Professor Snape might be strict, but…"

"Strict? He's a miserable git, Hermione, and you know it."

"You really shouldn't…"

"Like I said," Ron interrupted. "I think he's up to something. I don't know what it is, but it can't be good."

"If he wanted to punish Harry…"

"That's not what I mean."

"No?" Hermione said. "Then what are you talking about?"

"What if he's trying to earn Harry's trust so he can hand him over to You-Know-Who?"

That thought had crossed Harry's mind, too. In the end, he dismissed it… not because he trusted Snape, but because he had faith in Dumbledore. Even if the headmaster was wrong about Snape's real allegiance, he'd never let…

"Come on, Ron." Hermione shook her head, giving him an exasperated look. "If Professor Snape really _was_ working for You-Know-Who, don't you think we would've figured that out by now?"

"Not if he's been hiding…"

"I'm tired," Harry said. "Think I'll head off to bed."

As much as he loved his friends, he wasn't in the mood to listen to them bicker about Snape. That was especially true for Ron, who always jumped to the worst possible conclusion. Harry did the same thing, honestly, but right now…

Sad, maybe, but some small part of him wanted to believe that Snape had no ulterior motive.


End file.
